Weekend Open Bar: Diarrhea Death Race 2000!
Every weekend, my friends. I’m living the motherfucking Diarrhea Death Race 2000! Nothing compliments five-straight days of clean eating like a 48-hour bender of insane caloric bombardment. And every weekend, there’s at least one point, where I have to sprint full-speed into the bathroom before my blow ass all over my boxer briefs. Doesn’t matter if I’m about to fuck, it doesn’t matter if I’m working out, and it doesn’t matter if I’m playing Final Fantasy VII. The moment grips me. The bowels quiver. And like that, I’m off to the races.
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Pentagon has released legit-ass UFO footage and how sick is this shit?
Man. The Pentagon sure chose a clever fucking time for this drop. I mean, they’ve released UFO footage! Drop it during a pandemic, bury the lede. And, that ain’t the wildest part. Senator Harry Reid has said that he is “glad the Pentagon is finally releasing this footage, but it only scratches the surface of research and materials available” with the emphasis motherfucking mine.
Microsoft debuting Xbox Series X gameplay on May 7. Sony, where the fuck you at kid?
Microsoft has announced they’re dropping Xbox Series X gameplay footage May 7. Man, they seem to be crushing the next-gen reveal game. We know what the console looks like, we’re getting gameplay footage. Meanwhile, Sony’s like. We have a system, here’s a controller. How much is it going to cost? What’s it going to look like? Fuck you.
‘The Last Dance’ has passed ‘Tiger King’ as the most popular documentary on the fucking planet. MJ winning again!
Recently, Tiger King grabbed us all by the fucking balls as the pandemic hit. However, there’s a new King in the documentary wars. Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls documentary, The Last Dance. And I ain’t got any problem with this usurpation, because it fucking rips.
‘Assassin’s Creed Valhalla’ Trailer: Absolutely obliterate shit as a bad ass Viking!
We got the first trailer for Assassin’s Creed Valhalla, folks. And it’s about awesome as you’d expect, given that you’re a fucking viking.
‘Assassin’s Creed Valhalla’ is the next ‘Assassin’s Creed’ game, this time with Vikings and shit
Aha! Well, we now know for certain what has long been rumored. The next Assassin’s Creed game is going full-on Vikings, friends. Assassin’s Creed Valhalla!
‘Hellraiser’ TV Series coming to HBO with ‘Halloween’ director David Gordon Green helming
Man, even more Hellraiser news, eh? We had word a movie was coming, with a script being written by David S. Goyer. Gross! However, this news is a bit more dope. There’s a Hellraiser TV series coming, and it’s being directed by the dude behind the latest Halloween. I wasn’t super horny for the Halloween movie, but I was entertained enough. And honestly? I’d be fine with that coming from this series.
‘The Last of Us 2’ now dropping June 19 after major spoiler footage leaked, with ‘Ghosts of Tsushima’ pushed back a month to July
Legit, fuck whoever leaked The Last of Us 2 footage straight in their astral mouth. The silver lining is that we have a date for the game, after it was indefinitely delayed. We all need to just duck spoilers for *check notes scrawled in vomit on a dented-in refrigerator door* like six weeks. Fuck me.
Monday Morning Commute: (Please Stay Off The) Streets Of Rage
You fuckin’ want one? Then meet me in the streets, brother! It’s pretty easy to find me. Follow the smell of sweaty gym balls (who fucking showers these days) until you see a goddamn calamity with a fierce mustache. Oh, you’re telling me you can’t go out into the streets? Because of a responsible respect for the quarantines across the globe? Well, count yourself lucky! ‘Cause I respect that. Instead, how about you hang the fuck out with me here at Monday Morning Commute.
In lieu of a fucking tilly, we can shoot the shit. Share what we’re delving into this week, in order to stave off boredom. Discuss what we’re smashing open across our synapses, in order to prevent the ever present sense of doom from fully consuming us.
I’ll go first, cause I started this dance. But, after you’re done checking out what I’m up to, I demand that you swing back.
It’s only fair!
