Weekend Open Bar: Call The Ball, Dickhead
Oh, golly gee, oh golly gee fucking willikers! It’s the Weekend! This is the Open Bar! If you’re reading this, you’re alive! You’ve made it through another week! Or, you’re proof that there’s some sort of thin membrane we cross upon death, only to haunt others from Beyond. That said, welcome! Be you mortal, immortal. Trapped in a perpetual liminal state, or coasting towards death along with me!
Fuck me, fuck me sideways! Where am I? What was I doing?
Oh, oh yeah! Welcoming you to the weekly weekend wanking Open Bar!
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Javier Bardem is joining Denis Villeneuve’s ‘Dune’ movie. This cast is absolutely fucking stacked!
It sure looks like Javier Bardem is joining the cast of Dune, which is preposterously fucking stacked. Man, it’s going to be a shame when this movie ends up fucking fantastic, and ends up bombing anyways. Like, goddamn, please don’t let that happen, public. Please.
Marshmello putting on concert in ‘Fortnite’ this weekend, combining TWO OF THE FUCKING CORNIEST THINGS GOING
Marshmello. Has that lame ass song you probably hum along to. Fortnite. Undeniably corny, but it seems that everyone fucking plays it. Therefore, it makes sense to combine both of these lame-ass entities. The only way this shit could get more whack is if that industry shill dork-ass Ninja hosted the concert.
‘Fast and Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw’ Trailer: The Rock and Jason Statham versus a fucking INDESTRUCTIBLE Idris Elba. Let’s go!
If it weren’t for John Wick 3, this would be tracking to be the dopest action movie of the summer. We got The Rock and Jason Statham trying to bring down a literally fucking indestructible Idris Elba. And, it’s directed by the dude who co-directed John Wick, and Atomic Blonde. Let’s. Fucking. Go.
Space Swoon: The Hubble accidentally discovered a new galaxy. No big whoop!
Hubble discovered a galaxy? By accident! Pfft. Sometimes I find a Skittle stuck in my ass cheeks. Can you eat a galaxy? Probably not! Can I eat that Skittle? You fucking bet!
Hit the jump to check out this finding.
Rumor: Michael B. Jordan is returning for ‘Black Panther 2’ so everyone can keep saying Killmonger was right et cetera
Michael B. Jordan in Black Panther 2? Well, maybe! I, uh, am actually inclined to believe this is true.
Nintendo Switch is soon gonna pass Nintendo 64’s lifetime sales. This is kinda fucking wild, no?
We all knew the Nintendo Switch was a successful-ass console. But, how successful is Nintendo’s current renaissance? Soon, the motherfucker is going to pass N64’s lifetime sales.
NASA’s Parker Solar Probe has completed its first trip around the Sun, BABYYY!
NASA’s Parker Solar Probe has completed its first trip around the sun, motherfuckers! And, it ain’t done yet. The probe is currently plunging back towards our star for another trip.
James Gunn is directing ‘Suicide Squad 2’ and this makes all the sense in the world
James Gunn is fixing to be directing Suicide Squad 2. This makes a lot of sense, given that it is the DCEU’s equivalent of Guardians. Me? I’m fucking stoked for the news. As well, I’m pretty goddamn stoked for the DCEU right now. Between Wonder Woman 1984, Shazam, The Batman, Joker, Birds of Prey, and Suicide Squad they’ve got a seriously interesting line-up.
