Friday — this, of course, means time to drink beer.

Unfortunately, for the past two days I have felt terrible. I don’t usually get sick, so when I do I like to think that the ship has finally hit the gigantic fuckin’ iceberg. Maybe I’ve got Swine Flu. Or polio. Or something.

Probably not though. What I should do is relax, go to bed early and get ready to feel better in the morning. But, it’s Friday and that means I have to fulfill a promise I made to you to consume alcohol and report on it.

Regardless of what alcoholics tell you, drinking when you’re sick will not make you feel better. You may smile a bit a more, but after passing out you will wake up feeling worse than drunk and sick — this is synergy in action. So it was with some trepidation that I approached the taking of my weekly drink.

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In case I haven’t told you, comic books are one of my favorite things in the world. Without exaggeration, I would argue that comics are just as artful as any other medium and provide a generally unrivaled integration of image and word. There is no experience quite like flipping through the pages of a good comic, becoming drawn in by paneled wonder and storytelling mastery.

With such a zealous appreciation, it only stands to reason that OCTOBERFEAST would include a serving of sequential art. I contemplated this decision for some time, trying to figure which funny-book would make the cut. At first, I though about including the Halloween-beatdown of Hollis Mason from Watchmen, but then realized that would be opening a can of worms with which I’m not quite ready to deal. Then, I considered submitting a review of the best/worst comic book Halloween costumes but that wasn’t really what I wanted to go for either.

And then it hit me. Hard. I felt like a fucking buffoon for not thinking of it right from the get-go:

The Long Halloween

One of the many collaborations between Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale, The Long Halloween is a thirteen-issue miniseries that follows Gotham City’s Dark Knight for a full calendar year. Starting and finishing on Halloween, the series sees a mysterious killer known only as Holiday claiming his victims on…well, holidays. The defenders of Gotham do their best to prevent the monthly massacres, with mixed results. At conclusion of The Long Halloween, Batman (and the reader) comes to the realization that justice may not always manifest in easily recognizable forms.

It is Loeb’s storytelling that truly sets up The Long Halloween for success. This is Jeph Loeb in his prime — crafting a murder mystery that keeps the reader guessing until the very end (and even after). Taking place in the formative years of his crime fighting career, Loeb takes Bruce Wayne through the rigors of doling out cans of whoop-ass to Gotham’s underworld. With the help of Captain Gordon and District Attorney Dent, Batman combats a mob empire comprised of the Falcone, Viti, Maroni, Gazzo, Sullivan, and Skeevers families. It is a dense tale full of interconnection, but Loeb pulls it off.

Loeb’s written story is only surpassed by Tim Sale’s illustrative execution. With the main players of the Rogues Gallery at his disposal, Sale gets the opportunity to put his signature stamp on much of the Bat-Universe. While I typically equate Sale’s art with the aesthetics of cartoons/animation, I think his performance in The Long Halloween  steps into  more realistic territory. Looking back on it, I remember being particularly struck by the use of shadows and negative space. Before being the best part of the lackluster Heroes, Tim Sale routinely rocked comics — The Long Halloween is undeniable evidence.

Even if you’re too much of a dingbat to check out The Long Halloween, you have probably still enjoyed its main themes and plot. Christopher Nolan’s Batman Begins and The Dark Knight both liberally borrow from The Long Halloween:

A young Bruce Wayne trying to get his footing as Batman? – Yup.

A mob war threatening to take over Gotham City? – Yup.

James Gordon, a rare example of excellence in the GCPD, rising through the ranks?  -Yup.

“I believe in Harvey Dent”? — Yup.

Batman, Gordon and Harvey Dent working together…until a horrible accident disfigures Dent and changes the nature of the relationship? – You bet your ass.

The Long Halloween is a meaty text. But it’s a worthwhile one. As a limited series featuring only the most recognizable figures of the Batman mythos, The Long Halloween is accessible to even the most casual of fans.

For the sake of OCTOBERFEAST, and to make yourself a better human being, give it a read.

Just one of the many scenes from which "The Dark Knight" & "Batman Begins" took a cue.

Helllllllllll, yeah! I haven’t updated Search Engine Terms in a while. There’s been a bunch of good searches, but I was proud of this newest one.

Fucking in Superman Position! It’s well documented that I pioneered the Superman Fuck. Now we have like minded individuals looking for a home, wanting nothing more than to advance their sexual techniques. Well my friends, you’ve come to the correct place for fucking in various superhero positions.

Welcome!

I also want to give a shout out to Superman Cum Shots. I really want to meet the people who are down with such things. They’ll either be really cool, or they’ll trap me in their dungeon and rape me ruthlessly. Either way, I uh, win!

I went to pick up Uncharted 2 with my friend Bags on Monday night at midnight. I was fucking pumped! Hell yeah! I was going to play it until I died. I was going to mainline caffeine and snort pixie sticks and rub out loads to gorgeous polygons. Except that I didn’t do any of that. Because I have begun to realize, I’m an aging, antique gamer.

Bags and I went to pick up our respective copies that early morning. We burnt through the streets quickly, and we encountered no line at the store. The only hassle in actually retrieving the titles was the fat fucking sales guy. It’s past midnight and I’m just trying to grab my copy of Uncharted 2, and here is Joey Lame Piercings trying to get me to reserve more games.

Would you like to pre-purchase blahdy blah blah blah blah?

And I told the guy point blank, I already have like a million reservations with you fucking turd munchers. Ratchet and Clank, Modern Warfare 2, you even convinced me to put $5 on Bioshock 2 seventeen years early. But he persisted. Fuck that guy. Anyways.

I got home, and it was probably 12:37. Something like that. I don’t know why I remember that. And I was all excited and I was going to put the game in, when I was like, fuck, I’m tired. I thought of Far Too Beautiful For My Deserving Girlfriend sleeping in her studio apartment. And I faced a conundrum I hadn’t before:

Play Uncharted 2, or drive and snuggle up to my girlfriend and sleep a reasonable amount.

I thought to myself, man it’s late anyways. How long would I really play tonight before I got tired and started shooting at walls when a puzzle pissed me off? If I leave now, I can get to her house by 1. I can be asleep by 1:15. And I can wake up and play the shit out of the game in the morning.

I stared at Uncharted 2. I imagined the warm body waiting for me in Salem, should I choose. Nathan Drake looked at me and scoffed.

You fucking pussy, Ian.

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Anyone who knows me knows that I have an unhealthy love for Mass Effect. Despite it’s seven-thousand flaws, I fell madly in love with it. I’m a sucker for space-operas, and this one wanked me off to the point of exhaustion. I’ve been anticipating its sequel since the original release, and now I finally have a date to look forward to.

Via Kotaku:

The epic space RPG continues on January 26th in North America, with Europe joining the fray three days later on the 29th. Along with the release date announcement, EA has revealed preorder bonus equipment available via download code once the game hits store shelves.

January 26th, 2009. With a kind kiss to Far Too Understanding Girlfriend’s forehead, six twelve-packs of the Diet Mountain Dew, and an adult diaper strapped to my crotch, I will submerge into the mancave. I better tackle all the shit on my syllabuses a bit beforehand, because I plan on playing this game until I pass out in my own mess. Then I will wake up, and do it again.

With little over two weeks until Hallow’s Eve, we had all better start breathing in that sweet autumn air. After all, it is mid-October — but unlike Daryl Palumbo, I’m not ranting `bout most early May. I’m here to enjoy the OCTOBERFEAST for everything it’s worth (which, in case you haven’t realized, is quite a bit).

For some reason, I’ve always associated Glassjaw’s Ape Dos Mil with autumn. It is in all likelihood that the lyrical reference to October is responsible for the forming of this mental connection. However, the Literature major and overzealous nerd within compels me to further dissect Ape Dos Mil. In doing so, I’ve discovered  that the track is the musical manifestation of the spirit of autumn.

Yeah, it’s over.

You can bet in mid-October,

I will still be ranting ’bout early May.

Yeah he’s a winner,

He’s a goddamn sinner.

While he dines I’m on the wrong side of the day.

And I said, “I don’t understand why I’m fumbling after.”

You’re the reason I cannot forget this season

Or the letter when she first referred to eight.

And I said…

The lyrics suggest that the remorseful crooner is longing for the days of early May, when the relationship was still new and exciting. At first listen, it may seem as though the words being penned address the literal calendar month and perhaps the true beginnings of love. But it can be no coincidence that the described romance is worthwhile and flourishing in May, which just happens to be the quintessential month of spring — the season best known for ushering in a wholesale sense of life and vitality.

Ape Dos Mil’s narrator tells us that he is now well into mid-October and unable to stop dwelling on the beauty that was his relationship only five short months previously. On the other hand, this linear development also coincides with the sharp thematic contrast of spring and autumn. Just as the leaves are falling and the Earth reclaims all life, Ape Dos Mil paints the portrait of man in decay, the approaching of a personal winter.

While given the story from the perspective of the man who pulled the shortest straw, I think there is something to the notion that the narrator’s  enemy is succeeding because of his ability to transgress. In the aforementioned verse, the narrator pits himself against a rival lover, describing him as both a winner and a goddamn sinner. It is Daryl Palumbo’s delivery of these lyrics that make the listener feel absolute unease, maybe even disgust. How can this new figure succeed while sinning, falling far from the set standards of the ideal? The narrator’s frustration seeps out, noting  that he cannot even stand a chance against the most mundane actions of his former love’s latest beau; “While he dines I’m on the wrong side of the day.”

Taking a step back, it seems as though the protagonist of Ape Dos Mil is simply a spring type of guy — fixated on those times in which the new, refreshing and lively were generated. However, the goddamn sinner of the track is autumn — cast with the role of bringing about decay and eventual death. In truth, neither of these characters can be applauded or derided for their actions, as they as just fulfilling their prescribed duties. Similarly, the female love interest should not be disregarded as a flake or whore. Instead, she can be understood as the  cyclical seasons, the recognition that a changing of the guard must occur.

If you don’t buy into any of the above, don’t worry. You can still enjoy Ape Dos Mil as a somber tale of love that just happens to sound better on an October evening.

Should you find yourself not enjoying the song, at least watch the video without the sound. It’s got creepy clowns, depictions of strange sexual practices and voyeurism — perfectly fitting into OCTOBERFEAST!

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It has come to my attention that Six and Boomer from Battlestar Galactica are in Maxim this month to promote the upcoming Battlestar on SyFy and Digital Video Disc. There’s really no need to say anything else. Go look at the pictures. You’re welcome.

I haven’t played Uncharted 2 in a day, and I’m beginning to get the tremors. I got to play with her for three hours yesterday, and I think about her longingly. I blame tutoring, sleeping too late, and being a general loser.

I remember that during the ad campaign for Gears of War, the game was described as having “beautiful destruction”. I thought it just had jacked dudes blowing up other WWF washouts. I dug the game, but there was nothing beautiful about it.

Uncharted 2? This son of a bitch is beautiful. Running through the war torn streets of Nepal, I felt a little guilty. I was just rocking the camera back and forth, trying to fit everything into the frame. Every little demolished bit of pavement was gorgeous. I shouldn’t be marveling at how beautiful a street littered with bodies can be, but I was.

I keep rambling about the graphics, but they’re more than just pretty pixels. It’s engrossing. It sucks you onto that streetscape.

And yeah, it would be nothing, without the gameplay. Fortunately for me, my last save is just after one of the craziest fucking action sequences I’ve ever seen. Spoilers after the jump.

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I take pride in the fact that OCTOBERFEAST is an event in which everyone can participate. The FEAST doesn’t discriminate — any fool daring enough to step into its camp grounds is eagerly swallowed alive. Male, female, gay, straight, blind, elderly, mentally challenged, Chinese, Native American, rich or poor — OCTOBERFEAST consumes all.

Today, a less fortunate contingent of the revelers is being represented. I know in my heart of hearts that all you sorry sons of bitches without an adequate allowance know about this treat…

KRACKEL

The KRACKEL is a bar of chocolate enveloping tasty, crispy wafers of rice. First and foremost, the candy is dang delectable. Also, the rice in the bar produce a fun *crunch* with each bite. Yeah, it’s the *crunch* that really defines the KRACKEL, setting it apart from all other Halloween goodies.

Except the much more beloved & recognizable Crunch bar. Oh shit.

Think about it — have you ever heard somebody say, “Damn, I could really go for a KRACKEL right now”? Invariably, the answer is “No.” If anyone craved such a chocolate delectable, she/he would go buy a Nestle Crunch.

Thinking on it now, I’m not even sure that I’ve ever seen a full-bar version of the Poor Man’s Crunch. Could it be possible that Mr. Hershey is so strapped for cash that he can only produce fun-size KRACKEL? Truthfully, I can only recall eating the candy when it was part of my Trick-or-Treating loot or included in a candy grab-bag.

Maybe I’ve mischaracterized the KRACKEL as an outcast; the sad, pimple-faced fat kid crying in the corner of the middle school dance while macho CRUNCH bumpz-n-grindz with Kit Kat. Instead, maybe our crispy friend is just misunderstood; he’s the artistic weirdo who just needs to be given a chance to flourish.

I say fuck the `ole standards. This year, go out of your way to eat a KRACKEL. You don’t need to become politically aware or start recycling or donate time to a charity or help out at a soup kitchen…if you eat a KRACKEL before the end of OCTOBERFEAST you are guaranteed a spot in Heaven.

Oh, and remember not to wolf it down. Savor the candy bar, as demonstrated in the video below: