There’s a ton of sweet-ass new Final Fantasy XIII images over at Destructoid.

Gotta give it up to the dialogue they decided to translate:

SHUT UP AND COME QUIET

File under: Not a coincidence. Sorry Fing Fang Foom, or whatever your name is, I ain’t a quiet kind of guy. I usually switch it up between “Shazam, Shazam, Shazam!” or “BY THE POWER OF GREY SKULL” when I’m rocketing an orgasm. As an aside, Fing Fang Foom looks like Rinoa after she decided to defy her parents, and get a shitty tattoo that Jecht from Final Fantasy X was all like “No seriously, you’ll look fucking AWESOME if you get this.”

Never trust a dude with bandana*

(Snake is the exception that proves the rule.)

Further proof that Japan is awesome? This fucking marketing scheme:

Via Kotaku:

With the game days away from release in Japan, the SEGA Bayonetta marketing blitz continues. The latest are large posters in Shinjuku Station’s with fliers than can be pulled off.

Giant ass posters out in the public, that encourage people to yank off Bayonetta fliers to reveal the babe underneath? This is fucking brilliant. Especially when it yields this:

Seriously. I don’t really have any other words. How ridiculously fucking awesome is this? I need to create a Bayonetta category, because really all I want to talk about is this game. And her. Oh sweet her. Listen, it’s not like I’m obsessed with her. But I’d dump Too Good For Me Girlfriend in a second for her. Just kidding baby. Wink, wink.

This is the lovely week of Halloween! Let me tell you something, as much as Pepsibones apparently loves the holiday, I couldn’t give less of a fuck. Here’s what I’ll be enjoying aside from dressing up as something shitty and playing beer pong on Saturday evening.

Monday Morning Commute. Every Monday I’m going to detail the various things I’m either currently or will be watching, reading, playing, and listening to in the next seven days. It’s Monday. You’ve got a long week of school, work, or compulsive masturbation to get through. Tell me the arts that you’re indulging in, to stave off suicide.

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As I write, I’m sitting in a plastic chair that faces the leaf-painted lawn my parents spend all spring & summer trying to protect. “Sorry `rents,” I laugh inside my head, “but even Home Depot’s finest lawn-care products can’t ward off Mother Nature. That bitch is nasty!”

The wind just picked up, tossing over a few of the aforementioned leaves and inspiring my obese pooch to tilt his head upward. I see his snout quiver ever so slightly and he squints as the breeze fills his lungs. Maybe I really am starting to turn into a hippie, but I think Stryder’s got it right. He’s not worried about the recession, or the perpetuation of the military-industrial complex, or even whether or not his DVR is going to save tonight’s Californication. No, this motherfucker is just glad to be.

Since I’m particularly struck by the  dog today, I’ve decided to let him choose the OCTOBERFEAST entry. I mean, he’s just a dog so I let him make a choice from my tentative list. I was going to write about any topic of his choosing, but he wasn’t willing to budge:

Pepsibones: Hey, what should I post about today?

Stryder: Isn’t there some Halloween movie where every scene includes a cat being brutally murdered?

Pepsibones: Nah, I don’t think so man.

Stryder: Hrm…I’m pretty sure there is.

Pepsibones: Well, I’ve never heard of it.

Stryder: Really? C’mon, you know what I’m talking about. It’s that movie by the director, and in every scene a stupid cat gets just  what he fucking deserves.

Pepsibones: I don’t know.

Stryder: …Well, what if I give you a script that I wrote and you enter that into the OCTOBERFEAST?

It went on for about a half an hour. Seriously.

Anyways, Stryder finally made a decision and thus the OCTOBERFEAST will continue upon its magnificent voyage.

Stryder the Dog contemplates OCTOBERFEAST

Today, we hit the rest stop known as Scream.

I’m not sure why, but I’m under the impression that the 1996 film is the object of much hatred. I understand why one may dislike the series as a whole, as Scream is a satire of the horror/slasher genre and its penchant for producing subpar sequels. But Scream itself? A great movie.

Penned by the master of 1990’s horror, Kevin Williamson, Scream is a slasher flick with a brain. While trying to avoid being stabbed to death, Neve Campbell (remember her?) and her friends realize just how similar their situation is to a horror movie. As a result, they come up with all sorts of strangely self-aware theories about how they should behave. Jamie Kennedy, in an awesome performance as a hardcore video-store clerk/nerd, lays out the rules:

Perhaps I’m just a sucker for the 1990’s and its finer moments. More accurately, I am a sucker for metafiction, and Scream certainly dabbles in that area. So if you want to chalk up the appreciation for Scream to that, feel free.

But even stripping away the self-referential aspect, the plot is noteworthy: you have a killer who calls you on the phone (in the days before Caller-ID), quizzes you about movies, and then stabs you to death. It’s fucking fantastic. The death scenes are exciting and full of gore, executed lethally (cheesy pun intended).

What really makes me root for the movie is that it takes some chances. There’re some recognizable names in Scream and not all of them make it out alive. In fact, Barrymore doesn’t even make it out of the first scene. While I was only ten when I saw it for the first time, I remember that Scream kept me guessing throughout.

Oh, and I completely forgot to mention — Wes Craven directed this movie. Sure, he isn’t Spielberg, Coppola, Scorsese, Tarantino, PT Anderson or Ridley Scott — but as far as horror movies go, he’s a force.

Forget the fact that it spawned the reprehensible Scary Movie series and the terribly played-out “ghost-face” costume. Scream is a good movie and you should include it in your personal OCTOBERFEAST celebration.

Although I’ve been saying this a lot lately, I must now formally announce that we are in the final lap of OCTOBERFEAST. In one week’s time, the demons and ghouls who spend most of the year pretending to be children will be running on the streets and holding us up for candy. It’s going to be great.

I really believe that trick-or-treating is one of the most surreal, almost magical parts of childhood. For one evening, adults step back and allow the inmates to run the asylum. Children shed their skin and assume the roles of beings that are to be not only considered, but actually feared and revered. I will never forget the feeling of importance when some fat-assed housewife would open her front door, fork over a goodie, and ask “Oh my! And what are you dressed as?”

It is with this awe of and respect for Halloween’s most celebrated  activity that OCTOBERFEAST inducts its newest member — E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial.

But first, let’s step back for a moment. Completely independent of its connections to the American Harvest Festival, E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial is a fantastic film.  The 1982 Spielberg-concoction  is about a cute little alien with a pot-belly who gets stuck on Earth. Shortly thereafter, he is discovered and protected by three children and their single mom. Elliot, the middle of the three children, becomes best friends with the alien and they share a mind-link. In the process, Elliot helps the otherworldly visitor make an interstellar phone with which he can call home for a ride. By the end of the movie everyone learns the true meaning of love, friendship, and just how funny it is to call someone “Penis-breath.”

Really though, the only way you can not enjoy E.T. is if you don’t have a heart. Between Drew Barrymore’s debut (as Gertie), a John Williams score, the hilarious scene in which E.T. drinks beers, and flying bicycles there is something for everyone. So even on its own, E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial is an amazing slice of cinema.

Now, you may  find yourself asking why this movie is part of the OCTOBERFEAST. Well, first of all, the titular character is an alien. While certainly different than Earth-based monsters, I think it’d be foolish to argue that aliens don’t deserve a spot in the category of horrifying. While E.T. turns out to be a good guy, there is still an element of fear and uneasiness about the concept of outer-space men. So at the very least, just remember that E.T. is about an alien and that is enough of a qualifier in and of itself.

But more poignantly, E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial takes place in a suburb preparing for Halloween festivities. With Spielberg at the helm, the viewer is treated to scenes that perfectly embody the spirit of the holiday, featuring kids getting amped to hit the streets and the costumes of which they are so proud. While one may want to write off the inclusion of Halloween in E.T. as incidental setting, I believe that Spielberg wanted to capture a season that contained a magic such as that found in the relationships of the movie’s characters.

Halloween may be a backdrop for the movie, but it is a significant and memorable backdrop.

For your consideration — E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial’s (sometimes first-person) perspective on trick or treating:

Walking into the liquor store today, I knew that I wanted a challenging beer. I mean, I didn’t want a brew that was going to knock me on my ass and leave me for dead, but I wanted something with a bit of a kick. I walked to the cooler and started perusing.

Light beers? Nah, not for me.

Seasonal brews? Eh…always fun, but I wasn’t in the mood to get burned again.

Sam Adams? Sammy – you got your turn last week!

And then my eyes connected with those of the beast, a being I only know as Troegenator.

I mean seriously, look at the picture above — the Troegenator is basically Zeus with fucking devil horns.

Let me repeat the previous sentiment. The label on the beer features ZEUS — the most powerful member of the Greek pantheon with devil horns. I was sold. I mean, seriously, it is the most powerful God of all time and he’s ready to rage. I’m down.

But then I actually read the label and found out that the Troegenator is a doublebock. In my purely unscientific understanding, doublebock is a form of old-school Bavarian lager known for a bready flavor, a spicy aroma, and an ability to induce pleasurable sensations of inebriation.

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Twenty-three days into the OCTOBERFEAST and things are getting kooky. Damn kooky. We’ve worshipped Lucifer, munched on cereal, and even hung out with apes. These are strange, horrifying days and they’re only becoming more wonderfully shocking. Sometimes it seems as though OCTOBERFEAST is an alternate dimension of its own.

Anyone who reads comic books or science fiction realizes that our reality is but one of many, a single chapter in book known as the multiverse. There have been countless depictions of realities other than the one to which we are accustomed, and they usually illustrate the idea that some essential quality has been altered. Of course, this makes for great narratives as it encourages the reader/viewer/listener to consider the grand What If?’s in life.

In the late 1950’s, this concept of disregarding standards and questioning society-at-large was the basis behind one of American television’s greatest products — The Twilight Zone. This televised anthology blew minds away every week with unusual stories and narrative twists that defied cookie-cutter formulas. In creator Rod Serling’s words, The Twilight Zone is “A series for the storyteller.”

Serling and his creative team (which sometimes included Ray fuckin’ Bradbury, if you’re still a doubter) seamlessly blended science fiction, horror, westerns, literary classics and comedy into compelling tales of the human condition.   Despite their drastic variances, each episode effectively acts as a parable or revelation.

As these ideas are defiant of those found in most television, The Twilight Zone did itself the favor of including an introductory warning. As seen in the first season,

There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call the Twilight Zone.

Admittedly, I haven’t seen every episode of The Twilight Zone nor can I claim to have an intense knowledge of the show’s history. But any time that I catch an episode on the Sci-Fi Channel (oh shit, I guess I mean SyFy) I find myself positively captivated. It is a terrific program and I find that even some of the shows I truly love (*cough*LOST*cough*) are doing their best to hit the high-water mark set fifty years ago.

Granted, this may be one of the most popular and referenced episodes of the series — so I can’t necessarily defend myself against arguments of That shit is played out. But with Richard Donner behind the camera and the all-mighty Shatner in front, Nightmare at 20,000 Feet deserves the status of goddamn classic.

This is the dopest shit I’ve heard in a long time. I remember reading on Kotaku a couple of weeks ago that Mikey Neumann, the creative director behind Borderlands, promised to hook gamers up. His deal was that if you preordered Borderlands on a particular day, he’d play the game with you and give you epic loots.

Then there was a bunch of hoopla about whether or not he was serious.

Turns out, he fucking was.

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Maybe it’s a poor choice for Rampage, maybe it’s a   great choice for Rampage. But here is Rampage in the A-Team movie. And every time I think that this is the reason we won’t be seeing Rampage versus Rashad Evans, my asshole chafes.

[Werewolf Trilogy — Part III]

Holy shit, we’re nine days away from Hallow’s Eve, summit of the mountainous OCTOBERFEAST. This is the season of decaying matter and yet life never feels more invigorating. Wait until the sun goes down and step outside — bathe in the cool autumn air, breathe in the fragrance of crumpling leaves, and try to feel anything less than excited to be alive.

I dare you.

To round out the Werewolf Trilogy, we’re going to explore the notion that werewolves are fun-loving party-goers. While manhunters and bitch-mothers are small subsets of the community, most are just looking for a good time. Seriously. For example, this werewolf just wants to snort lines of blow. And this werewolf loves to shred.

Perhaps the best expression of this animalistic debauchery is found in Every Time I Die’s We’rewolf. Keith Buckley (genius that he is) masterfully outlines what it means to go through an evening as a wolfman.

An excerpt:

It’s a full moon, denim is tight, and flannel shirt is freaking out.

Run for your life, cover your eyes, I don’t want you to see me party this hard.

I’ve got a bone to pick with the morning sun and the first last call.

But I didn’t put my hair in a pony tail for nothing,

So if I’m going home alone I ain’t going at all.

Yea. In the wild kingdom you don’t live until your ready to die.

Which one of you sons of bitches is gonna make me feel alive?

Which one of you motherfuckers is gonna get inside my heart?

Is gonna give me a heart attack?

Look away it’s too much to bear. I’ve been bitten by the party animal.

Save yourself. Save yourself. Tell my baby that I love her so.

Don’t cry. Don’t cry. I gave the world one hell of a time,

And I don’t regret a thing except for the times that I got caught giving it.

I never thought it would take. I had thick blood and cynical skin.

To where are you supposed to escape when the creature is lurking inside of you?

We all want to be werewolves, drinking beers and doing fucking headspins well past the witching hour. We want to resist the idea that our lives are run by suits and squares who only give us 2/7^ths of the week to enjoy ourselves — and only so we don’t freak the fuck out.

Unfortunately, most of us are never fortunate enough to transform into mythical human/canine hybrids. In fact, most of us feel the need to blast ourselves in the heart with the `ole figurative silver bullet before we even consider living the werewolf life.

We should all take a note from Every Time I Die — periodically taking the opportunity to throw caution to the wind in order to live a life that defies rigid structure and routine. I’m not saying to be a fucking weirdo for the sake of it, but to give yourself the chance to occasionally allow your inner animal to surface.

It’s OCTOBERFEAST – use this time to be whatever the fuck you want.

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