After last week’s episode, anything was going to be The Great Comedown. That’s scientific fact. Half the people I’ve come across have considered the Dicky Alpert as Spanish Jesus episode one of the best episodes ever, and I’m in agreement. So yeah, I was expecting this week’s to be a bit of a drag.

Man, was I right.

Let me pose a question to you: What is the only thing more boring than Jin and Sun? Jin and Sun in LAX. Jin and Sun eating up an episode of LOST during its final season. This episode aggravated me to the point where I said “Fuck this” in the middle of some weepy, strained LAX moment and went upstairs to grab a Diet Dew and a string cheese. I was beginning to go insane with anger. I went upstairs from my nerd cave, grabbed the caffeinated bliss, and returned downstairs. Do you know what I missed? Absolutely nothing.

I can’t be the only one who is utterly apathetic towards Jin and Sun’s storyline, can I? I’ve never gave a fuck about them. I wrote about LOST for an entire month, and I never touched on them. And while my disregard for them may be more than most peoples’, I can’t imagine why I should care about them. As my friend Tommy Rock pointed out at the beginning of the season, Sun’s main purpose is to ask questions. Pay attention next time she’s on screen. The writers have used her as a mechanism for shitty exposition since I he dropped this knowledge on me.

How? Why? Blah blah blah.

And Jin? Jin’s a hot Asian dude in a tight white t-shirt.

So no, I don’t care about them on the Island, or in LAX. Sorry! They’re both candidates, but they’ve barely spent time on screen together. I mean, I’m a sucker for a good romance, but even I can’t rouse any emotions over whether or not they’ll wind up together.

But let’s get down into it.

On LAX, Jin and Sun ain’t married. But the dudebro is still working for her father. Sun’s gone from an annoying plot device on the Island to an annoying prissy chick in LAX. The two of them land in LAX under the notion that Jin has to deliver some money to Keamy (who is still awesome) in some sort of deal. Right. This is totally cool. Snore.

Across shitty LAX, Jin and Sun pine for one another. They roll around in bed and say sweet nothings and I resist the desire to barf and scream. Maybe scream while I’m projectile barfing.

At one point hunky Jin rolls out of bed after it is implied that he just got done making the sex. Let me ask you a question? Who puts their boxers on after sex? Usually I’m half-dead, laying there puffing, grasping at life. I’m a pathetic man. But even if I had the ability to move, I wouldn’t put on my dumb boxers. That’s the best way to get the human equivalent of Elmer’s Glue all over   the inside of the boxers. Not buyin’ it, yo! But it’s ABC, so yeah, I understand why. I’m just complaining.

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This poster was also in the same post as the True Blood one at Slashfilm today, but seriously, I had to dedicate an entire post to it. Scarlett Johansson has always been on my list of ridiculously amazing babes. Let’s ignore perhaps her little piggy nose, and focus on the fact that she’s got curves that could stop a lesser mortal’s heart.

You take those curves and stuff them black leather? Between her and Robert Downey Jr, My groin is seriously going to burst.

[source : slashfilm]

Came across this poster and another one over at Slashfilm today, and I was surprised how excited it made me. I didn’t like True Blood Season 2. It started off good, flamed out in the middle, and shit itself at the end. If I had to endure one more obvious bullshit turn by Maryann, I was going to slit myself. However, I loved the beginning of it, as well as Season 1. So, these posters get me stoked like woah, and I’m always willing to give a new season of a show I previously loved another shot. There’s a chance for self-correcting, and please god, perhaps Sookie taking a 2×4 to the skullplate.

Before you watch the video below, shave off all your pubic hair, pretend you don’t have wet dreams, and imagine you’re a fucking kid again. DO WANT.

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[Variant Covers is a column every Tuesday that breaks down the various titles coming out that week in the world where Bruce Wayne is a zombie, and Reed Richards taps hot ass.]

Blackest Night #8

Last week I opined like a typical miserable fanboy that I was tired of Blackest Night, and that I didn’t really dig how they wedged in the twist regarding the White Lantern. It wasn’t the fact that Sinestro took the reins for himself, and if I came off that way I certainly didn’t mean to. I suppose it just happened so quickly, at what I felt was the backend of the storyline that it felt forced to me.

But now? Now I’m fucking stoked for the conclusion. I’m bipolar, leave me the fuck alone.

The more I’ve thought about it, the more I’ve dug Sinestro becoming the White Lantern. He’s the one dude who called out the Guardians of Oa for being a batch of manipulative douchebags. In his gloriously overwrought speech at the end of Blackest Night #7 he rocks the fuck out, and then he takes the power of the cosmos for himself. You have to hand it to the guy. For suffering being in the middle of the Zombie Apocalypse, he’s having a pretty good day.

So word up! This is the epic conclusion to the last couple of years of plot in the DC Universe, and I’m interested to see where they’re going. The tights-and-capes have a shitload of zombies to take care of in this issue, and then they’re totally turning the page and embracing Brightest Day. What the fuck is Brightest Day? Well, it’s a marketing plot, dummy!

But it’s a new direction they’re taking the entire DC hordes. It’s hard to imagine anything not being brighter than eight-months of Zombie Hawkman ripping out hearts and eating them, though. I mean, he could be tweeking out on meth sitting in a corner shitting himself, and I’d be like, man, he’s doing a bit better. But it’s cool, it’s refreshing. It’s time for some less ponderous shit, no? We just meditated on life and death, good and evil in the darkest way possible. And while yeah, isn’t that what all comic books are about? But let’s do it in a happier manner, maybe Plastic Man can get into a fist-fight with Mister Mxyzptlk or some shit.

Shazam!

A-Team War Stories BA #1

You have to fucking adore comic books. It’s only through them that we’re treated to something like this. This is a comic book complete with a painting of Rampage Jackson, who is filling the shoes of Mr. T in the forthcoming A-Team remake. If seeing an oil painting or some shit of Rampage on the cover of a comic book isn’t enough to sell it, I’m not really sure what would be. It’s ridiculously surreal. I mean, I was bummed with Rampage giving up if only momentarily his career in the UFC to film this movie. But now? I don’t know man, now it makes a lot more sense.

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When the Zombie Apocalypse hits, Akuma is going to Shoryuken your fucking brains out. Then eat them.

[ source/more pictures : all games beta ]

EddieKim does it again. Picking up where he left off last week, this YouTube user takes a Billboard chart-topper and reworks it…into a demonic anthem of the undead!

While Rihanna’s Rude Boy was pretty brutal, this week’s reimagining of Lady Antebellum’s Need You Now is fucking catastrophic. This is the type of shit that plays while the Orcs come to pillage’n’rape.

Maybe it’s the fact that the lyrics lend themselves to doom-grunts. An excerpt;

It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn’t call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don’t know how I can do without
I just need you now

Guess I’d rather hurt than feel nothin at all.

Once again, kudos to EddieKim! Keep up the good work!

No, I didn’t get to go to PAXEAST this weekend. But my friend Jill, the uber female gamer, did. And being an amazing friend and all, she knows my proclivity for worshiping Bayonetta. The result of which was her taking this picture for me from the floors of PAX. Maybe it was for the best I didn’t go. As I imagine my girlfriend watching me being dragged off, screaming, clutching to the ground, foaming at the mouth, I’m like, yeah, that was probably for the best I didn’t see this in person.

Double kudos to Jill for thinking of me as I wept at home. Check out her Twitter, follow her blog, and if you ever find yourself in a game of Modern Warfare 2 with her, god help you. She’s going to own you.

Hello everyone! How was your weekend? Oh, it was splendid? I’m glad to hear it! Oh, you spent all weekend at PAXEAST while I started jealously at all the coverage from Kotaku and shit? Yeah, I’m going to shin you, boy! Or girl! Boygirl! Your shins are mine for the taking. I’m about to rock your shins with the fury of a man possessed with jealousy and contempt! But mostly jealously.

I spent my weekend watching sports and eating crappy food. It was actually a great way to spend a weekend. The Ms. Caffeine Powered and myself sat around in our pajamas all day on Saturday, watching something like six hours of sports. We feasted on bacon and chocolate chip cookies, and while she still remains beautiful, I’m going to hate the fuck out of myself today if I’m daring enough to look in the mirror. Then a cadre of friends came over, and we watched GSP look sexy. Or maybe fight. But mostly we were staring at his thighs.

Sunday was Sunday. Accentuated by waking up way the fuck late, and then not really doing much.

Monday Morning Commute. Every Monday I’m going to detail the various things I’m either currently or will be watching, reading, playing, and listening to in the next seven days. It’s Monday. You’ve got a long week of school, work, or compulsive masturbation to get through. Tell me the arts that you’re indulging in, to stave off suicide.

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