True Blood’s Season Finale Truly Blew


What follows is a true formless rant. And spoilers everywhere.

Ah True Blood. What a shitty second season you delivered me. No, you weren’t completely awful. You had your moments. The Stackhouse at the crazy religious camp storyline was cool. Godric was bad ass. But then you killed him, two episodes into his career. And Eric was cool. For a bit.

But now he’s just another boring ass love story. Last night’s season finale managed to capture in one hour what the entire season was. A half-hour of storyline, a half-hour of filler.

Let’s think about this for a second. The Maryann storyline was like fifteen episodes long. It should have been like three, but they dragged it out mercilessly. And then, for some reason which I cannot fathom, they ended it in fourteen minutes. What followed was a shitty promotional video for season three. I knew that I had lost faith in True Blood when, last night, the entire cast was playing the ukulele while awaiting the birth of some God or some shit.

And then Maryann is killed by Sam, because she’s tricked into believing a God has come. I GET IT RELIGIOUS COMMENTARY. EVEN GODS CAN BE FORCED TO BELIEVE SOMETHING IF THEY WANT IT BAD ENOUGH.

How do you take Eric and make him suck? Easy, you embroil him in a boring ass love story. Eric was the Boba Fett of True Blood. He was cool because he kicked ass, didn’t say much, and received just enough screen time for him to seem ominous and righteous and cool and shit. But in the span of three or four episodes, you have him giggling and smiling and weeping as Godric dies like a little punk idiot. THEN, you have him naked in dream sequences with Sookie? You have to be out of your God damn mind. What a pile of bullshit.

This show is like the Office with vampires. Will Sookie choose Eric? Or will she choose Bill? OMFG.


Speaking of Sookie, she sucks. She’s got a huge nose, and she has jack-o-lantern teeth, and she’s fucking annoying. She runs around making stupid decisions like an idiot in a horror film. But for some reason she never dies. She’s “head-strong”, but honestly she just seems like a selfish twat. All she ever does is rub up against Bill, slap someone, or lead Sam on. Seriously. She’s got LASER HANDS, which is pretty cool. Don’t get me wrong.

But how many fucking seasons of “OHHH EMMM GEEE, WUT R U!?” are we going to get from her?

Simple! She’s Anna Paquin! She’s a gap-toothed bitch who sleeps with her co-workers! She’s the perennial damsel in distress because she makes fucking loathsome decisions! And then she’s helped out by Bill, who always arrives in the nick of time.

Speaking of Bill, he fucking sucks too. Why does Bill always speak in the same pained, woe is me, why won’t you listen to me you petulant bitch tone of voice? Ignoring for the moment that he’s probably pained because he’s immortal and yet he’s in love with a stupid, uneducated Southern woman?

I was sort of aggravated at my friend Dave when he said Bill was a one-note character. Well, he was right! Holy shit. All Bill does is make proclamations and lay in a bed telling Sookie yadda yadda blahdy blah you must stay away from Eric, Sookie. Even though he’s better looking than me, and can fly.

Then, there are the Newlins. Also known as fucking radical characters who were probably the best part of the season. Instead of continuing the Vampires VERSUS Humans storyline, they disappeared around midway into the season. Why? Probably because the writers realized that they didn’t know any other way to finish the show other than some epic battle, so they copped out of it. Instead, we get fucking Maryann. Jesus Christ. Please stab me in the face.

And I’m already tired of the Queen of Louisiana. She sucks. Yeah, last night it was like totally hilarious when a vampire queen said “blows“. LOL ROFLCOPTER.

This show sucks my ass. I don’t understand how every one likes it so much. Entertainment Weekly jerks it off like its filthy vampire semen holds the cure to the print industry. It doesn’t hold anything but my god damn attention!

Holy sweet fuck.

Even my girlfriend, the biggest True Blood fan girl in the history of the planet Zeltoid didn’t like last night’s episode.

And yo Compton, why the fuck are you proposing to Sookie so early? I know she’s a retarded hick, but c’mon bro. You guys have been dating for like two fucking weeks. And I don’t know why I’m thinking of this, but do vampires take any sort of bat-shits? I mean, I know they don’t have like digestive tracks and stuff, but where does the blood guy?

Yeah, I know Compton, we’re all kept alive by magic. Go read that at Starbucks, you fucking douche.

Whatever, fuck you True Blood. I’m glad you’re over. You’ve freed up my Sunday evenings for fucking great shows like Californication and Dexter. The only reason you’re not the worst second season of a TV show I’ve ever watched is because I was dumb enough to watch Heroes.