There’s a moment in the ending to Final Fantasy VII where Cloud hefts Tifa and her enormous bosoms on top of a cliff. They gently bounce up and down and settle for a moment. I was fourteen at the time. Without exaggeration, my cockhead almost exploded. I was in love. Well, apparently I’m not alone:

Via Destructoid:

In Japan, Konami conducted a lifestyle survey of 500 men in their twenties, just releasing the results late last month.   About 40 percent of these men said that they thought in-game love is something worth seeking out. About 20 percent of those polled actually want love with a videogame character.

Alright, actually, these dudes are actually crazier than me. Listen, I have an excuse. In 1997 I was fourteen years old. The hormones rushing through my body had me….thinking the same inappropriate thoughts that I do now about video game females. Shit. Well, yeah, but I’ve never actually thought that it was “something worth seeking out”. Holy shit, what does that even mean? Are these dudes trying to conjure up Sheva from Resident Evil 5 through some sort of mechanism that drags avatars into the real world? You know, like in All Tomorrow’s Parties?

See, and people shit on American television being a bad influence! Japan has all that god damn whacky anime, and Gozilla and tentacle porn! And now these poor warped young dudes then think pursuing love with a fictional character is worth the effort.

Fucking weirdos.

(Call me if you figure it out.)

Normally having a gorgeous girlfriend is a benefit unto itself. However, apparently I’m going to have to guilt her into winning me…uh, I mean, “us” a sweet HD gaming set-up. Peep this shit:

Via Kotaku:

If you think you’re a dead ringer for the witch, you need to submit your pictures by Sept. 30. The best looking of the lot will then be posted on Maxim.com for fans to vote on from Oct. 1 to Oct. 23.

The final winner will be selected by Maxim and game developer Platinum Games, awarding the lucky faux Bayonetta an Xbox 360, a 50 inch Panasonic TC-P50X1 HDTV Plasma TV and an Xbox 360 version of the game.

She already has the cute Bayonetta glasses, and her hair is blonde but that’s why the good lord invented Loreal or whatever that hair-dyeing shit is called.

I’m just kidding of course. She has too much class to do this. Which can mean only one thing. My hairy nerd-ass, smacking of computer chair stink and pudginess in leather.

As Scar says in the Lion King, Be PREPARRRRRED.

Blizzard knows it’s fanbase well. You see, according to the Blizzard COO, they don’t intend on cannibalizing their own WoW install base for their next MMO. No, they intend on us playing both of them.

Via Wired:

“I think the (new MMO) is going to be significantly differentiated enough,” Sams said. “Such that, you’re not going to feel like they’re one and the same resulting in that you have to pick or choose,” he said.

“If the bad thing that happens to us is that they leave WoW and go to this other thing of Blizzard’s, then we’ll work through that pain,” he added.

That’s fucking ludicrous! That’s absurd.

That’s exactly what’ll happen.

Forget practicality. Forget that there’s Star Wars: The Old Republic, forget all the time you’re going to be playing Diablo 3 and Starcraft 2. If you’re like me, you’re going to make this work somehow.

Square is “considering” DLC for Final Fantasy XIII. This company continually fucking confuses me. No, like seriously. The company is comfortable spinning their franchises off into cell phone games, toilet paper, action figures, thirteen Final Fantasy VII off-shoot games. They come off like straight-up shameless money whores. It seems so obvious. But then they do things like continue to not remake Final Fantasy VII, and now this. Dudes say they’re like, you know, mulling over the decision:

Via Destructoid:

“We are exploring the option of downloadable content, perhaps adding new areas, items or enemies, but these would not be expansions to the story, only the gameplay,” he explains. “The entire story of FFXIII will be on the disc.”

Guys. Fucking come on. Do you have any idea HOW MUCH MONEY you could make off of DLC? You know that people like me follow your releases with raging boners. You know you’ve sold me fifteen Cloud action figures. How many fucking Final Fantasy VII/VIII/X wallscrolls have I bought? We’ll buy any expansions you release. I’ll pay $5 for a fucking lightsaber for my 360 avatar. Do you have any idea how much I’d pay for a fucking Buster Sword?!?!

It’s amazing how fucking out of touch Square has become. Every company around shills DLC. It’s easy money. It’s been common hat for years now. And of course, here’s Square. Lagging behind. Contemplating shit that should be obvious and without statement at this point.

I can’t even tell you how hard I’d lose my mind for a $5 FFXIII DLC that would unlock a bunch of new side-quests and some new omega weapons. And I know people who hold my same beliefs are legion. Keep mulling it around guys, it’s only the most obvious fucking decision ever.

DC, not comfortable with being utterly forgotten today, has released some new pictures of their MMO, DC Universe. I feel bad for DC. I don’t begrudge them from trying, but I have seen the future of this release. And it staunch mediocrity at best. Maybe it’ll cut out enough of a chunk to exist for a while. Maybe it’ll even be fun. But there’s no way that they’re going to be able to conquer the market. Blizzard continuously pumps out new WoW content to keep us junkies playing. Sure, maybe we’ll dabble in DC Universe. But like any man who leaves his girlfriend for a while for that cute girl who works at Newbury Comics and listens to the Pixies, we’re going to realize the truth: There’s a reason we spent four years with our beautiful WoW. Shit can’t compete.

Oh, and if shit could compete? It’s going to be Star Wars: The Old Republic. The loudest of MMO detractors are salivating over this release. My friend, The Dude, never misses a chance to take a swing at WoW and the stupidity of MMOs. And you know what? He’s pledged that he will be picking up the Old Republic. There’s only so many hours in the day, and when push comes to shove, it’s going to be a Star Wars/WoW world. That shit is just the truth.

[ check the pictures @ kotaku ]

I think I’m starting to develop some problems. First, I can’t get god damn Jihl Nabaat from Final Fantasy XIII out of my head. And now here rolls up Poison Ivy from Arkham Asylum. When I went nuts fawning over her a couple of days ago, I had no idea she was going to be involved in some odd alien tentacle fetish shit. Prior to the point where you fight Ivy – which just so happens to be the only boss battle that doesn’t suck in Arkham – tentacles all slither and shit up her glistening body. The tentacles, giant slithering green dicks, then feed her into the ultimate yonic symbol – a rose. Seriously, Freud? Lacan? Anyone? Help?

Now, I know I’m perverted. And I probably take things to be erotic that probably aren’t. As an example, I’m always strangely turned on by the mother oinking like a pig in A Christmas Story. I don’t know, it’s just hot. But I can’t be wrong about this one. There’s no way a hot, buxom woman in a low-cut red shirt and green underwear isn’t intended to titillate nerd balls. And there’s definitely no way that big slithering phalluses coiling their way around her ample busom and buttocks isn’t supposed to get my adult glands working. Or yours for that matter.

I knew that Arkham was supposed to appeal to a lot of gamers, but I didn’t think they were aiming to corner the Tentacle Rape genre. You think you’re getting Batman and all of a sudden you’re getting La Gotham Girl and shit. Weird.

Final Fantasy XIII. I’ve been sweating this shit forever. Let’s put it this way. I had a Final Fantasy XIII desktop back when I was taking Shakespeare II at college. In that class was my future girlfriend. I didn’t begin dating her until a year later. AND we’ve been dating for eighteen months. Do the math. With all the info coming out about FFXIII lately, I’m beginning to worry it may exist. Which in turn gets my hopes up. Fuck. Please, Square. Please!

This video is utterly fucking gorgeous, and FFXIII director Motomu Toriyama breaks down the combat system for all of us fanboys. Caution to those who watch, it may induce a hysterical sense of urgency regarding this game coming out.

Square demonstrates in a bunch of new Final Fantasy XIII pictures that they know their fanbase very well. How so? They’ve given us something out of our dirty little dreams. It’s a commonly known fact that nerds go absolutely fucking bananas for chicks with glasses. I think it’s a psychological phenomenon. We also like women who demonstrate power, since you know, we’re typically weak, fat, and eating spaghettios in our underwear. So what does Square do? They give us Jihl Nabaat. She’s a hot babe with glasses who apparently is a hard ass and wears latex. A DOMINATRIX IN LEATHER WITH GLASSES?

Holy shit. Well done, Square. Now let’s turn this game into something other than vaporware and give us the ability to take our own screenshots. I have plans. Filthy plans.

[ check the new screens @ destructoid ]

So I’m playing Arkham Asylum, and the craziest shit starts happening. At one point Joker lets all of the fucking inmates out of their cage. Which is cool, and whatever. However, these inmates aren’t regular Joker thugs. They’re just guys who happen to be fucking raving insane. The whole mechanic seems like a way for Eidos to have Batman fight zombies. You see, they murmur and drool like zombies. They sound exactly like the bad guys from Left 4 Dead. But I’ll continue.

So anyways, these people are not villains. They just happen to be suffering from psychological problems and are upset by the madness around them.

What does Batman do?

He beats the living shit out of them. Seriously. Poor confused inmates who have been brought into a riot. They can’t defend themselves, and they’re just looking for a way out.

They run at Batman in confusion, and what’s he do? He throws them over his head and punches them in the fucking mouth. I sat there watching my Batman throw these retards around without a care in the world. I realize they’re running at him, but can’t the guy have some fucking empathy? They don’t even fight back!

I mean, what are the moral implications of this? Sure, Batman doesn’t kill! But you know what he WILL do? He’ll kick the living shit out of defenseless schizophrenics! They don’t get up! They just lay there with the shit kicked out of them. There’s got to be some ethical code that prohibits the ass-whuppings of crazy people, isn’t there?

Listen, don’t get all sensitive on me. I’ve been locked up for three days at a crazy ward. In the clink, as they say. And what happened if the Joker showed up there and let us out? What if I was just walking across the lawn, taking a stroll without my annoying fifteen minute check-ins? I mean, half the retards I’ve kicked the shit out of with Batman are people who aren’t suspecting me! I sneak up and clobber the crap out of them! What if it was me, strolling McLean’s, and then Batman snuck up on my ass and whupped me?

The dude is deranged, and I can’t believe that some group like PEOPLE FOR THE ETHICAL TREATMENT OF BIPOLAR MADMEN (me) haven’t been like

WAI CAN BATMEN WHUP THE SHIT OUT OF INVALIDS?!

I’m just waiting for the uproar to start. I can hear it now.

But to answer the question, why can he?

He’s Batman, bitches.

Wait, you mean shit leaks from video game conventions? Publishers have to know the best way to do free ‘viral’ press is to just show something at a convention. Only an asshole would think that they’re going to air it without it getting caught up on some one’s Cell Phone / Clatter / Super Spybot. Just check out the video. Some live footage of Modern Warfare 2, which is promising to sell four-zillion copies this winter. Frat boys, legit gamers, and pre-pubescent kids with bad parents will all be waiting in line together for this shit.

[ youtube via kotaku ]