A new 2D Sonic game in HD coming in 2010. Are you excited? Don’t be a dullard!

Sonic games have blown hard for the last ten years, the original Sonic Adventure for the Dreamcast being the last one I gave a fuck about. Sonic Unleashed was supposed to be super-tight, but then somehow ended up featuring night levels where you galloped about as some stupid fucking Werehog. No, I’m not making that up.

So I’ve thrown in my hat with this franchise. It’s left me saddened as my TOTALLY EXTREME BLAST-PROCESSING friend has broken my heart over and over. This has the potential to be ballin’, but I’d bet Yuji Naka’s testicles it’s going to let us down.

You know what I do late at night? I lay down, turn my PS3 on, and I watch some hi-definition porn off of a USB stick. Or, I stream internet porn through my PS3. In hi-definition. So obviously, hi-definition porn and PS3 were a match made in Heaven. Sploogey gooey Heaven. Right? FUCK YES, says Steven Hirsch the owner of porn empire Vivid Entertainment:

Via Destructoid:

Steven Hirsch, founder of the world’s biggest porn film distributor, Vivid Entertainment, has called on Sony to provide HD pornography on the PlayStation Network, declaring that the PS3 has “real potential” as a conduit through which wank material can pour into the homes of lonely young men. He’s got a point.

“We hope that Sony will allow adult movies to be downloaded worldwide,” claims Hirsch. “It’s too early to say to what extent this could help our business, but it certainly has real potential.

“As long as proper age verification is in place there is no reason why consumers should not be allowed to view adult movies on any device that they desire.”

It makes so much sense, it’s probably not going to happen. OF COURSE, it’s already on the Japanese PSN. But here in North America, home of the Puritans and Magical Book Worshippers, nudity is totally OMFG no.

C’mon Obamanites, drop down your Macbook and latte and join me in a YES WE CAN, for boners and boobs on our PS3s. Change we can believe in.

OMFG, FFXIII is Japanese dated, right? Well guess what, “International Gamers”, Square Enix boss Yoichi Wada has a release date for you:

Via Destructoid:

“In the past, it’s taken a year or half a year to release our games abroad, but this time we are aiming for an international release this Spring”

Uhh…Spring? I wasn’t happy with this, so I raised my hand.

Uh, you’re like, fucking around, right? Spring? Like, sometime between March 20 and like uh…June something? Fuck, my elementary school education is lost in a pile of pills and caffeine. Seriously though, when?

And he responded,

Sometime in Spring. It may even be Australian spring. How do you like me now, addicted gamer bitch?

He then flipped me off, grabbed his crotch, and left the stage.

Spring. Well fuck. I’m starting graduate school in January, so if I may make a suggestion: Either during Spring Break in March, or at the beginning of May.

December mother fucking 17, 2009.

The date that lucky Japanese motherfuckers will be able to play Final Fantasy XIII. Good god damn, this game isn’t fake. I’m running around my room screaming “YES, YES!” while my Nana weeps upstairs unknowing and confused as to what’s going on down here.

The release date gives all of us unwashed English-speaking gamers…three months to learn Japanese. Or else we’ll be waiting you know, the usual FORTY FIVE YEARS it takes Square to localize a game. God forbid they localize is as they go and release it simultaneously. I don’t know if this makes me excited, or saddened, knowing that the game is in fact real, and people not named Ian Drinkwater will be playing it.

Well, it appears that when my life as a blogger comes crashing down because of my incessant adolescence, I’ll be able to become a game developer.

NGS2 will feature SIXAXIS-controlled boobs. That’s right, a jiggle of the PS3 controller will translate into a jiggle of the character’s bosom. Just when you thought Tecmo couldn’t get any filthier.

If this wasn’t stolen from my perennially prepubescent skull, I don’t know where they would have gotten it. No, seriously. I’m wearing a mind-shroud fashioned from uncooked flanks of meat as I type this. They’ve stolen my million-dollar idea.

I fucking love Tecmo. Why? Because they name no delusions about who their audience is. It’s something the writer of a blog who dubs themselves “From Comic Books to Cumshots” can get behind. They’ve created a mechanic that allows you to shake obscenely large on-screen boobs with your controller.

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One of the reasons I’ve preferred 360 this generation over my PS3 is because the PSN sucks rotten balls. Sweaty, post-jog balls. The 360 has offered an integrated experience. I really feel like I’m logging into a community. Whereas with PS3, you’re floating in some decentralized, sleek universe. It’s gorgeous, but I just feel like I’m not within some sort of beautiful hall of nerdy sweaty douchebags like myself. I enjoy how 360’s online component is centralized, and it’s not a bunch of companies doing their own thing.

Some Sony Big Wig Guy Importantatron dude realizes the same thing:

Via Destructoid:

I think we were late to offer the platform-level support, to make the online functionality work at that level,” spills Yoshida. “We made the prior decision that you do not introduce the common centralized network names into every experience, so publishers made their own. That was fine at the start, but as more and more games have online functionality you need a unified approach.

Well, it’s always refreshing to see a company admit a mistake. The next part is fixing it! Because between Blu Ray, Sony not screwing you over proprietary hard drives like Microsoft, and gorgeous exclusives like Uncharted and God of War and Ratchet and Clank, even my deep 360 fanboy-ism is beginning to quiver. All it’s going to take is Mass Effect going multi-console and a viable online community for me to jump ships. Ian Drinkwater, he’s a fickle beast.

I’m from Boston, so I’m torn on Curt Schilling. The dude delivered us two World Series championships. But he’s also a loud-mouthed blowhard conservative. Being from Boston I’m a child-aborting, same-sex kissing monster. But there is one thing I can assure you, Warcraft is going to break Curt Schilling.

Why? I’ll tell you. Yesterday, Curt Schilling said that he was considering a run at Ted Kennedy’s vacant senate seat. When pressed on it today however, Schilling said that while he was serious, it was going to take some serious thought. Why? According to Steve Buckley on WEEI radio today, it’s because a lot of his money is tied up in 38 Studios, his gaming company. And what are they developing? A fucking MMO. Oh Curt Schilling, you should have given me that money! I probably would have used it to buy an autograph from you.

A lot of Curt Schilling’s money is tied up in a gaming company, that seriously thinks it can compete with WoW, WoW2, and the Star Wars MMO.

Warcraft will break Curt Schilling if this is true. And they will dance on his smoldering remains.

The pile of money that Blizzard execs use to wipe their ass and snort their coke with just got a little larger. That’s right, today the long-awaited Faction Changes!!! went live. Which means that you can now change your fruity night-elf hunter named “Leggolazz” into a Tauren hunter named “Leggolaughz”.

For thirty fucking dollars! Not bad!

God damn, Blizzard knows how to make them ducets. They know we’ll pay for name changes, they know we’ll pay $40 to watch a god damn live stream of their press conferences. Of course we’ll pay to transmute our dwarf mage into a blood-elf! DUH. I can’t even fault the bastards, they have me wrapped around their finger too. In fact, faction changes ain’t the last thing comin’! Soon we’re getting inter-alliance race changes. For money. Of course.

Too slow Blizz, I would have paid for a year ago!

Last year I used a three way swap between friends to get myself a Draenei hunter. I was tired of being all beautiful and female (this is before sex changes, which yes now do exist for money) and night-elfy. I traded a copy of WotLK to a friend, who then traded his warrior to another guy, who gave me his Draenei hunter.

No, I’m not fucking lying.

Blizz, they know us, they know us all too well. Soon they’ll capitalize on that shit too.

Remember guys, when rival developer teams engage in a cock-measuring contest, there’s only one outcome for the gamers: Awesomeness.

Apparently the teams behind Metal Gear Solid: Rising for the 360/PS3 and Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker for the PSP aren’t too fond of one another. Why’s that? Take it away, Kojima:

“The reason why I say they are not good friends is because the PSP is working day and night to make it even better than MGS4, but of course they can’t do it because of a lot of restrictions,” he tells Gamepro. “On the other hand, the Rising team is using loads of money and loads of capacity and hardware specs.”

The Peace Walker bros are constrained to budgets and other logical concepts. However the MGS: Rising team probably spends the equivalent of the Peace Walker budget just modeling Raiden’s fruity ninja-stripper boots. I can only imagine how much money the Rising team has just spent on tickle-fights and other getaway retreats shooting guns and building absurdity Post-Modern Paper-Mache monuments to Hideo Kojima.

Hopefully their utter disdain for one another pushes them both into making ballin’ games. I’ve never owned a PSP, but with Kojima jacking off over how awesome Peace Walker is going to be, picking up the portable continues to tempt me. Now, back to the cock-measuring!

At some point in my life, I had to make a solemn pledge to myself. There came a time when I had to hold myself to a certain promise, no matter how painful it became. You see, there was a time when I said:

Ian William Drinkwater, you will not, I repeat WILL NOT play World of Warcraft instead of hanging out with your friends, or your girlfriend, and so help me God, if you turn down sex to make a raid on time, I will kill you. Which is sort of like killing yourself.

That I even had to have this conversation with myself is indicative of how addicted a player can become to World of Warcraft. If you don’t play the game, you won’t understand it. And if you do play the game, you’re probably thinking: No way bro, no way you’ll hold yourself to that standard.

And sometimes, sometimes it gets hard.

All of this is rummaging through my head as news trickles out that Blizzard’s COO wants us idiots to play their new MMO on top of WoW. The delicate balance that socially functioning nerds have between their crack and their lives always threatens to tilt and sway towards the darkness of empty soda cans and baggy eyelids.

There’s been this shitty fake bow that I had been sweating forever in Ulduar, the latest virtual weapon that means nothing in real life that has no impact on my existence. And yet it does. Week after week it eluded me.   I swore and swore and found new exciting ways to chain together vulgar words like a fucking Ultra Combo in Killer Instinct.

And that’s what kept me coming back. Despite the monotony of the same fucking dungeon every week, despite the knowledge that I was squandering my life not writing, sitting in front of a computer screen, eating too much and staying up too late.

I needed that fucking bow. So I could shoot bad guys bigger, faster, more pwningly.

I had always defended my raiding life through various skillful rationalizations. You see, my guild raids at 10 p.m. It is the blessing/curse of my friend Brian choosing a West Coast server four years ago. So my rationalization always went like this:

Well, it’s a week night. And my girlfriend, being a functioning human being, who contributes to society, has to go to bed. She must sleep, because she isn’t a worthless parasite like myself. And so if she has to sleep, then I’ll be fine.

And to an extent, that’s true. If I lived on the West Coast, I couldn’t be raiding. In some ways, having to raid into the early morning is the only way it could work for me. There’s no way that I could spend every night from 7 p.m. until 10 p.m. in front of a computer. I’d miss dinner; I’d miss quality time with my girlfriend and friends.

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