Bayonetta, the action game coming from the man behind Viewtiful Joe, Okami, Resident Evil and Devil May Cry promises to be many things. A showcase of a hot chick in leather and glasses. More action insanity from the master. And apparently, a venue for pussy handholding.

From Destructoid:

Bayonetta‘s “Very Easy Automatic” mode is designed for noobs, but should also be perfectly suited to the chronic wanker. Able to be played with one hand, socially maladjusted gamers like myself will be able to pull their plonkers, issue a fine stringy jet of minging muck-magma, and clean up the pubic marshland without ever having to stop the game. Genius.

The bitchification of gamers continues. What a bunch of casual douchebags the gaming community is coming. I honestly don’t understand how it is gratifying to hit one button and mop the floor with shit. Half of my enjoyment from playing games like Ninja Gaiden and Devil May Cry 3 is the thrill of execution. It’s about learning the strategies and finally being able to fell some bad ass boss.

Listen, I know they’re going to include a real mode for real gamers, so this is just auxiliary as a way to lure more fans in. But it just seems confounding to me that people would enjoy it, and as a shithead-hard-ass-gaming-dbag, I resent giving shitty gamers the ability to wank out without skill. I know I’m being pretentious. Fuck you.

It’s a common source of confusion for Final Fantasy VII fanboys like my friends and myself why Squaresoft (they’ll always be fucking Squaresoft to me, okay?) hasn’t made a Final Fantasy VII remake. Market whores, Square has spun the game off into a thousand derivatives. Movies, cell phone games, toilet paper, subvertly sponsored Cloud/Sephiroth yaoi.

At the same time, they’ve remade like, you know, all the other Final Fantasy games for the DS, Gameboy, Virtual Boy, and Neogeo. So where the fuck is our Final Fantasy VII remake? The game was the jumping-on point for many Squaresoft fanatics like myself. It still remains insanely popular in the community, and the game would make more money than fucking God. So where the fuck is it at?

The VG247 blog managed to get this out of the motherfuckers responsible for FFVII:

There’s no official project that’s up and running for a remake of Final Fantasy VII at this point. Both Toriyama-san and Kitase-san were involved in the development of the game, however, and it holds a special place in their hearts. They do talk about it on a personal level, like, ‘If we did it it would be like this or like that.’

So, they do talk about it, but there’s no official project yet. But there’s that PSN release that just came out, so if you could play that for the time being, it should be fun.

In other words. We’re busy taking fourteen god damn years for Final Fantasy XIII because we’ve become incompetent, sludgy fucks. But buy the original on the PSN, because we contradict ourselves and really do love money, while not working on the project that would make us so much money we could fashion a real-life Godzilla.

File this under: What the fuck?

So, apparently new Mass Effect DLC came out today. It’s called Pinnacle Station. Did you know? Yeah, me either. The new Mass Effect DLC was released with little to no fanfare. This is coming off the heels of the details of said DLC being leaked by the Swiss XBOX Live site. It seems to me like there was some sort of “Fucked, the god damn Swiss leaked it? Better shovel that shit out there!”

Want some details about the DLC? Since, like me, you had no idea this shit existed until either yesterday or today? Sure, here you go:

Test the limits of your combat prowess aboard a remote, top-secret Alliance space station. Do you have what it takes to hold the top spot amongst the best of the best? This module includes a new land-able space station, 13 exciting combat scenarios, and approximately 2-3 hours of game play

There you go. Sounds pretty lame, doesn’t it? Also, it sounds pretty much like a cheap rip-off of Fallout 3‘s Operation: Anchorage DLC. Wait, you go into a simulation, tear shit up for a bit, and then get some new gear? Yeah, Bethesda did that back in February.

It seems pretty fitting that this new, uncared about DLC would mimic Fallout 3’s. Why, you ask? Well, since Fallout 3 has been released, it’s done DLC like a pimp master. While Bioware has dropped the ball continuously. Since November of 2008, Bethesda has churned out five excellent DLCs. With over a year’s extra time in the market place, Mass Effect has been capable of churning out two bullshit, bootleg abortions. Pretty depressing.

I am a huge Mass Effect fan. It’s a binky of mine, and despite all my bitching, I’ve already downloaded this piece of crap. It’s depressing to see Bioware drop the ball of the DLC, especially since we were promised rich worlds and shit to explore after the release, and all we’ve gotten is a couple of thrown together pieces of mush. Hopefully this is just a sign that Bioware has turned its attention fully to Mass Effect 2, which, when I think about it, arouses a semi-erection in my pants.

Until, have some slop, and imagine a world where Bioware learns some lessons from Bethesda when it comes to DLC.

One of the cooler things about WoW: Cataclysm aside from the new content promising to ensnare my mind for another couple of years are the reworked original continents. Anyone who has played WoW will tell you that levels 1-70 are a pointless grind at this point, punctuated by bitching and moaning. We can’t fly in Azeroth, QQ. We’ve seen the Bad Lands a thousand times, QQ. And I’m just as whiny. But let’s face it, the fucking map has been static for almost five years. It’s about god damn time something actually HAPPENED in the world.

It was cute how for about two days prior to WotLK Blizzard actually tried to give the semblance of a breathing universe. But with Cataclysm, Blizzard’s giving all of us greybeards a chance to explore areas we had forsaken since around 2006.

Changing around continents gives us a reason to explore older areas on our capped characters, and it also may mitigate the misery that is grinding from level one on your fifteenth alt. For the first six months or so.

Oh Blizzcon, you continue to amaze me. Not only have you given me news on the next World of Warcraft expansion, and videos of Diablo 3, but now you’ve simply topped yourself. Apparently Tricia Helfer, known to nerds around the world as Six, is going to voice some bad-ass queen-lady named Kerrigan in Starcraft 2. I’ve never played Starcraft, nor read the thousands of novels and works of brilliant fanfiction, so when I read she was going to voice someone, I was like, oh, cool…Now what the fuck is a Queen of Blade? But then I consulted my friend Wikipedia, and dude hooked it up as usual:

Sarah Louise Kerrigan, the self-styled Queen of Blades, is a major character and the predominant antagonist in Blizzard Entertainment’s StarCraft series of video games and novels.

Well then! Yeah, I’m still lost. Let’s be honest though, who fucking cares? I was teetering on buying Starcraft 2 anyways, because of my crackhead addiction to everything Blizzard. But those bastards are good, and now they’ve really snared me. The mellifluous tones of Ms. Helfer cackling as some hot evil alien? Again? How the fuck can I say no to that?

Blizz all up and announced today at Blizzcon that goons and dweebs like me are going to have the option of playing a Monk in Diablo 3 today. At first I didn’t know what to think. I made a living off of imagining that my female amazon in Diablo 2 was in fact some sort of transfigured Legolas. I spent hours pew-pewing cows and Mephisto and being all like THIS IS TOTALLY LIKE LORD OF THE RINGS WHERE LEGOLAS LOOKS AWESOME.

So when the new class wasn’t some sort of hunter-gatherer, big-breasted or not, I was bummed. But don’t fucking lament, yo! The Monk class looks pretty absurd. Depending on your nerdcorner du jour, you can either imagine you’re The Last Airbender, or Fist of the Northstar, or the epicenter of my early teen wet dreams: Tifa Lochhart. Check out the video, where you can froth over the kinetic ass-whupping of the monk. Then remember you won’t be playing this until your great-grandchildren are losing their baby teeth.

It’s a commonly known fact around my friends and family that Diablo 2 was (sadly) one of the greatest things to ever happen to me. As a for instance, all I did was play sixteen hours a day with one of my best friends, and spend the time not playing eating fourteen Wendy’s Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers. It was great, because I gained forty-pounds and developed insomnia and what will eventually be a fatal addiction to caffeine.

With Blizzcon this weekend, there’s going to be a deluge of Diablo 3 news that is going to have me in a frothing geek madness. Don’t believe me? When they first announced it last year, I could be fond running around the house, screaming:

“MOM! DIABLO 3 IS COMING! DAD, THEY ANNOUNCED DIABLO 3! BUBS, THEY ANNOUNCED DIABLO 3!”

I could tell by their blank stares they were happy for me. I can’t wait to sit on my ass neglecting loved ones and academic papers while grinding the new Cow Level for the five-thousandth time. Life is good.