I downloaded and played through the God of War III demo last night, and I was left with a resounding MEH. Hollered from the mountains, down onto the cowering PS3 sitting in the cower of my room. It asked me, Ian, what’s wrong? And I shouted at it, You have underwhelmed the fuck out of me! I was actually thinking of picking up the GoW collection just to play this thing. Wow, I’m fucking glad I didn’t.

First off – this demo is by no means bad. If you liked GoW or GoW II, then you know exactly what to expect out of this bad boy.

And maybe that’s the problem for me.

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This has to be some sort of karmic handjob. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this. But get this, true perverts and readers of Omega Level:

Bayonetta’s US release date is: My motherfucking birthday, January 5, 2010. Is there a more fitting gift, than something I have been fapping over for eons? THANK YOU NETHERGODS.

I spent a good amount of time rambling about the cost/benefit analysis of importing the Japanese copy of Bayonetta, as opposed to waiting for a US release. At the time, from what I had read, signs were pointing to January 29, 2010. Well, that shit changed, via PR today:

In the week that SEGA of Japan releases the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3 action game BAYONETTA, SEGA Europe Ltd. and SEGA of America Inc. can reveal that the perfectly rated and eagerly anticipated third person action title will be the first genuine triple A of 2010.   Offering exclusive pre-order items for the western market, BAYONETTA goes on sale in the US on January 5th and across Europe on January 8th 2010.

I want copies of Bayonetta from all of you.

Oh, the tricky lord and the binds he puts me in. My Bayonetta lust is well documented. Not just for the hottie, but for the game itself. Well, it comes out today in Japan. And in the Empire? We’re not getting it until January 29, 2009. Which is fucking awful for me. Why, you ask? For starters, Mass Effect 2 comes out. And secondly, I’m going to be smack dab in the beginning of the semester. Awful situation? Sure. Sort of.

And then yesterday I found out that the Playstation 3 version isn’t just going to be region free, everything is going to be in fucking English. Holy shit! I don’t know what happened that the good lord smiled upon me like that. Except he did it with a wink. Even though I could play it on my PS3, and even though it’s in English, I hesitate.

Why?

Because it’s the PS3 version.

Don’t groan, I ain’t even hating. It’s been well-documented that Kamiya and Platinum Games have very little to do with the port to the PS3. Like, almost nothing. In fact, it was the 360 version that received the perfect score in Famitsu, while the PS3 lagged behind by a couple of points.

So here’s the bind: Do I snag the PS3 version from Japan, early? Or do I wait until I can get the “perfect” version in January for the 360?

Let’s be honest, there’s no way that the PS3 is vastly inferior. It scored only two less points that the 360 version (a 38 as opposed to a 40), which indicates it is at least in the same ballpark. And I mean, Jesus Christ, it’s in full English! How the fuck can you beat that? The alternative is waiting until January. Three days after Mass Effect 2, in the middle of a semester, and like, two weeks before Bioshock 2. Why the fuck is the winter becoming the new late Fall as far as video game releases? Not even cool bros, not even cool.

Speaking of the Fall, even the Japanese release is ill-timed for my gaming habits. I’ve barely touched Borderlands, I’m stuck in the crack habit that is WoW. And then there’s Modern Warfare 2, Left 4 Dead 2, Ratchet and Clank, Assassin’s Creed II, et cetera, et cetera. In fact, while I was initially indignant about the lack of a simultaneous release   – no, not Bayonetta and myself, duh! – it sort of makes sense. It would have been buried under the glut of other titles poppin’ off.

Still, it’s hard to rationalize waiting. Bayonetta is sitting out there for me. Right now. She’s beckoning. She’s wearing leather and booty shorts and swimsuits! For me! No seriously, I got an e-mail for me. It said:

Dear Ian,

I’ve been released. Now it’s time for you to open me up, and do a little releasing of your own.

xoxoxo,

Bay-bee.

That’s what she asks me to call her when we’re making love on the astral plane. And I do.

I really don’t have to do much talking. Just file under: Things too odd to be true. Like, seriously. Bayonetta has to be the most sexualized game in recent memory. Jesus, God damn.

Via Destructoid:

Japanese porn distributor V and I may have different ideas on what is and isn’t sexy, but when it comes to Bayonetta, it appears we’re both pulling in the right direction. V is known for such adult entertainment as Would You Like To Get An Enema Until You Poop? and I Saw A Bowel Movement! but it’s put the feces aside for one day to honor Bayonetta (star of Bayonetta), dubbing her the “number one erotic actress of 2009.”

“This right here is high-grade peeping,” claims V. We’ve been assured that peeping isn’t a typo, which can only be deemed a blessed relief. The porn maker has also deemed Bayonetta’s hair movements “erotic.”

It’s good to know that even in my most depraved moments, there are people out there that make me look like a choir boy. And oh yeah, if you don’t know what scat is, do yourself a favor and don’t google it at work. Or ever, for that matter.

Dreamy sigh. Just hit the jump. Keep Reading »

Ah, Bioshock 2. I’m torn on the game. On one hand, I don’t think the original needs a sequel. It’s brilliant. I’d even call it a work of art, if I felt like defending my opinion. But I don’t, so there. You can have your four-thousand word essays debating games as art.

So anything that tries to add upon the original gets an initial “Why bother?” I mean, it was about as stand-alone as you can get in a game. The response to the “Why bother?” is pretty simple.

1. It’s going to make money. Lots, and lots of money.
2. Fanboys like myself will go bananas getting a shot to delve once again in Rapture.

Artistic integrity (which, may or may not even exist, that’s another four-thousand word essay) versus fan service and capitalism! Fight! No seriously, don’t, I can’t care what you have to say. Bust out the lube and check out the new Bioshock 2 trailer after the jump.

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There’s a ton of sweet-ass new Final Fantasy XIII images over at Destructoid.

Gotta give it up to the dialogue they decided to translate:

SHUT UP AND COME QUIET

File under: Not a coincidence. Sorry Fing Fang Foom, or whatever your name is, I ain’t a quiet kind of guy. I usually switch it up between “Shazam, Shazam, Shazam!” or “BY THE POWER OF GREY SKULL” when I’m rocketing an orgasm. As an aside, Fing Fang Foom looks like Rinoa after she decided to defy her parents, and get a shitty tattoo that Jecht from Final Fantasy X was all like “No seriously, you’ll look fucking AWESOME if you get this.”

Never trust a dude with bandana*

(Snake is the exception that proves the rule.)

Further proof that Japan is awesome? This fucking marketing scheme:

Via Kotaku:

With the game days away from release in Japan, the SEGA Bayonetta marketing blitz continues. The latest are large posters in Shinjuku Station’s with fliers than can be pulled off.

Giant ass posters out in the public, that encourage people to yank off Bayonetta fliers to reveal the babe underneath? This is fucking brilliant. Especially when it yields this:

Seriously. I don’t really have any other words. How ridiculously fucking awesome is this? I need to create a Bayonetta category, because really all I want to talk about is this game. And her. Oh sweet her. Listen, it’s not like I’m obsessed with her. But I’d dump Too Good For Me Girlfriend in a second for her. Just kidding baby. Wink, wink.

This is the dopest shit I’ve heard in a long time. I remember reading on Kotaku a couple of weeks ago that Mikey Neumann, the creative director behind Borderlands, promised to hook gamers up. His deal was that if you preordered Borderlands on a particular day, he’d play the game with you and give you epic loots.

Then there was a bunch of hoopla about whether or not he was serious.

Turns out, he fucking was.

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My love for Bayonetta is well documented. Between the Devil May Cry-esque gameplay, the ridiculous action scenes…and oh yeah, the fact that I want to marry Bayonetta and worship latex, the game is my dream. Well, apparently Famitsu agrees. Because they gave it a 40/40.

Seriously.

Via Kotaku

Japanese game magazine Famitsu has four separate critics score games on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the best score. The four scores are then tallied, and 40 is perfecto.

Today, only eleven, well, now twelve games have been awarded the perfect score. The latest is multi-platform title Bayonetta. Multi-platform Bayonetta is the first game to appear on the Xbox 360 to receive this score.

Ah. This is both amazing, and ridiculous. It confirms my love for the game isn’t misplaced, and it also makes me crack up. Other games that have   garnered perfect scores? Oh, just Ocarina of Time and Vagrant Story. And not to mention the countless games that are probably better than Bayonetta and haven’t.

But I’m counting this as a fucking victory. If MGS4: Dullness of the Patriots and Nintendogs can get perfect scores, why the hell not? It is, at the very least, confirmation that on January 29, 2010, I’ll have a reason to at least put down Mass Effect 2 for a moment. Seriously, these two games are three days apart? Fuck me. Fuck you, gaming gods.

Bayonetta. Perfect. Amazing.