Apparently some guy from Visceral Games is shocked that Dead Space Extraction isn’t selling well.

Via Destructoid:

According to a NeoGAF post from a Visceral Games employee- “It is a shame that no one bought this (Dead Space Extraction). As much as everyone made fun of Frank Gibeau’s ‘experiment’, it will actually influence the SKU plan with respect to the Wii”. So I guess we’ll be seeing less games like DSE on the Wii from here on out, but is that a bad thing?

How can anyone be surprised by the poor sales? I’d like to construct a list of things that have me saying “No shit, dude.”

1.

It’s a Wii game.

Allow me to show you the Wii demographic:

Dead Space Extraction is a Mature game on a system that is sold to people who shit their pants. Grandparents, elementary school students and me. How well do you expect a mature game to sell to this demographic? No, seriously. The real gamers are playing real video game systems, my friend.

2.

It’s a on-rails-shooter based on a well-received, but only marginally known game. Alright, I’m going to make some leaps that are probably incorrect. According to Wikipedia, Dead Space sold over a million copies. However, that’s across three platforms. But again, those are platforms that are played by more enthusiastic gamers. In other words, not those who own a Wii. Sure, some guys who own a 360/PS3 own a Wii. I do. But does the average Wii owner have any idea what Dead Space is?

Furthermore, as I said, it’s an on-the-rails-shooter. In other words, they scrapped the formula that made the original game successful. So this game is a sort of shoot-off, non-related title. So if you liked the original Dead Space? Yeah, this game isn’t like that. I’m positing they made the change because they are either fools, or they knew the Wii would catch on fire if it tried to replicate the original.

To sum it up: A title that probably isn’t known well by the core of the Wii audience, and for those who do know it, it’s a deviation from the formula that made the original so dope.

3.

It came out at the end of September. This is what we call throwing a title out to the wolves. A couple weeks before Dead Space Extraction, Halo: ODST dropped. The next couple of months following it sees Brutal Legend, Uncharted 2, Borderlands, Ratchet and Clank, Assassin’s Creed 2, Modern Warfare 2 and on and on and on. In other words, the gamers who know Dead Space probably have their plates full.

And the ones who don’t? They’re probably playing their seven-hundredth round of Wii Tennis and thinking it’s the greatest thing ever.

I went to pick up Uncharted 2 with my friend Bags on Monday night at midnight. I was fucking pumped! Hell yeah! I was going to play it until I died. I was going to mainline caffeine and snort pixie sticks and rub out loads to gorgeous polygons. Except that I didn’t do any of that. Because I have begun to realize, I’m an aging, antique gamer.

Bags and I went to pick up our respective copies that early morning. We burnt through the streets quickly, and we encountered no line at the store. The only hassle in actually retrieving the titles was the fat fucking sales guy. It’s past midnight and I’m just trying to grab my copy of Uncharted 2, and here is Joey Lame Piercings trying to get me to reserve more games.

Would you like to pre-purchase blahdy blah blah blah blah?

And I told the guy point blank, I already have like a million reservations with you fucking turd munchers. Ratchet and Clank, Modern Warfare 2, you even convinced me to put $5 on Bioshock 2 seventeen years early. But he persisted. Fuck that guy. Anyways.

I got home, and it was probably 12:37. Something like that. I don’t know why I remember that. And I was all excited and I was going to put the game in, when I was like, fuck, I’m tired. I thought of Far Too Beautiful For My Deserving Girlfriend sleeping in her studio apartment. And I faced a conundrum I hadn’t before:

Play Uncharted 2, or drive and snuggle up to my girlfriend and sleep a reasonable amount.

I thought to myself, man it’s late anyways. How long would I really play tonight before I got tired and started shooting at walls when a puzzle pissed me off? If I leave now, I can get to her house by 1. I can be asleep by 1:15. And I can wake up and play the shit out of the game in the morning.

I stared at Uncharted 2. I imagined the warm body waiting for me in Salem, should I choose. Nathan Drake looked at me and scoffed.

You fucking pussy, Ian.

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Anyone who knows me knows that I have an unhealthy love for Mass Effect. Despite it’s seven-thousand flaws, I fell madly in love with it. I’m a sucker for space-operas, and this one wanked me off to the point of exhaustion. I’ve been anticipating its sequel since the original release, and now I finally have a date to look forward to.

Via Kotaku:

The epic space RPG continues on January 26th in North America, with Europe joining the fray three days later on the 29th. Along with the release date announcement, EA has revealed preorder bonus equipment available via download code once the game hits store shelves.

January 26th, 2009. With a kind kiss to Far Too Understanding Girlfriend’s forehead, six twelve-packs of the Diet Mountain Dew, and an adult diaper strapped to my crotch, I will submerge into the mancave. I better tackle all the shit on my syllabuses a bit beforehand, because I plan on playing this game until I pass out in my own mess. Then I will wake up, and do it again.

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I haven’t played Uncharted 2 in a day, and I’m beginning to get the tremors. I got to play with her for three hours yesterday, and I think about her longingly. I blame tutoring, sleeping too late, and being a general loser.

I remember that during the ad campaign for Gears of War, the game was described as having “beautiful destruction”. I thought it just had jacked dudes blowing up other WWF washouts. I dug the game, but there was nothing beautiful about it.

Uncharted 2? This son of a bitch is beautiful. Running through the war torn streets of Nepal, I felt a little guilty. I was just rocking the camera back and forth, trying to fit everything into the frame. Every little demolished bit of pavement was gorgeous. I shouldn’t be marveling at how beautiful a street littered with bodies can be, but I was.

I keep rambling about the graphics, but they’re more than just pretty pixels. It’s engrossing. It sucks you onto that streetscape.

And yeah, it would be nothing, without the gameplay. Fortunately for me, my last save is just after one of the craziest fucking action sequences I’ve ever seen. Spoilers after the jump.

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Oh shit, a new Final Fantasy XIII character! What’s her name?!?!

Oorba Yun Fang.

…

No seriously Ian, what’s her name!

Oorba Yun Fang

…

Square, what the fuck! Seriously, this ridiculousness with your names is getting awful. It’s almost Tekken bad. Well, Fing Fang Foom can summon Bahamut, and she’s also got a retarded tribal tattoo like half the guys at your local gym!

Fing Fang Foom was revealed in a trailer last month or some shit, and you can check out the scan she’s featured in by clicking on this link.

Fuck Paul Pierce, Uncharted 2 is the truth. I’ve played the game for about three hours this morning. And? Impressions?

First off, Nathan Drake has stunning neck hair. Most dudes know neck hair. It grows way faster than your regular hair. Mine seems to grow at roughly four-times the speed of my regular hair. And so every two weeks I make Pepsibones or my girlfriend shave it off with my Mach 17-Powerglide or whatever my razor happens to be.

Why is it even worth mentioning? The level of detail in Uncharted 2 is stunning. Naughty Dog has paid attention to all the little nuances that make this game absolutely gleam. I mean, seriously, they’ve spent enough time to give Drake neck hair. It isn’t even something I’d even think to incorporate.

Check out the characters in cut scenes. Especially the ones who aren’t speaking. They move their fingers, they shift their weight, their facial expressions are minimal but apparent.

Everything is ridiculously polished, every scene seems to be taken with exceptional care.

And secondly, I am really digging the way they’ve constructed the narrative. They’ve taken the J.J. Abrams’ special and incorporated it into a video game. You know the one I’m talking about – they start the character in the middle of a catastrophe, and then they cut back to the very beginning of the tale. It’s very reminiscent of how ODST was told, but I’m more impressed with its use in this title. Why? I think it’s because the lynch pin of the “current” moment was the faceless Rookie. Whereas in Uncharted 2, it’s a bloodied, destroyed Nathan Drake in the middle of some frozen tundrea.

I think the game begins with Drake saying, “This is my blood. This is lots of my blood.” Immediately I was snagged. Where the fuck is he, how the fuck did he get there, and why is he bleeding profusely.

Thirdly, the dialogue is great. The interaction between Drake and Sully is so generic buddy-adventure, but it’s done so well.

More as I play through this sexy collection of polygons. If you own a PS3 you owe it to your fun glands to snag this title.

There’s a few things that are frequently rocketing around the anticipatory portions of my brain. Bayonetta, Final Fantasy XIII and…Mass Effect 2. Apparently, Mass Effect 2 is going to be the “Empire Strikes Back” of the series. Which really isn’t, you know, news at all. Isn’t every sequel something that aspires to be the ESB of the series?   BioWare co-founder Greg Zeschuk comments:

Via IGN:

“If you recall, Empire Strikes Back was the darker chapter and that is how we designed the ME2 story and experience: to try and make the player reflect on the challenges of the character. If you put ME2 next to the original it is definitely a darker, harder game.”

It makes sense. I don’t really have anything else to say about it. I’m just a whore for anything Mass Effect 2. Mass Effect 2’s obvious correlation to ESB, Mass Effect’s money-grab with unique armor, Mass Effect fanfiction featuring Shepard and Wrex intercourse? I’m there, there, there.

Bayonetta is going to be one of those things that I’m not going to stop talking about until I play it. Every week seems to bring another god damn revelation that pushes me towards the brink of both human, and gamer climax. Last week it was a Japanese commercial that featured “Nonstop Climax Action” and a Bayonetta sucking a lollipop. This week? Bayonetta butt cheeks. Butt cheeks are awesome. Seriously. Male and female bums are cool, and the cheeks are a big part of the hotness.

Well, apparently a demo for Bayonetta is out, and it features her and her butt cheeks. Why, you ask? Tell them, Destructoid!

Bayonetta’s magical hair wraps around her body and acts like clothing. The hair is also used in a variety of attacks, able to form fists, boots and huge monsters. The beauty of this system is that every time Bayonetta pulls off a combo, she loses her clothes. The more impressive the move, the more naked she gets. It’s genius on a fiendish level.

Let me break it down for you guys. This is fucking phenomenal.

1. The more ass you kick
2. The more ass you see

This is brilliance.

One of the smartest things that Square did back in the day was bundle hot-ass demos for a Final Fantasy game with some other title you were never going to play. It was enough for me to buy both Tobal No. 1 and Brave Fencer. They were both pretty sweet, but I would have never touched them otherwise.

Well, EA seems pretty smart. Them or Bioware. Because bundled in with a new copy of BioWare’s upcoming Dragon Age Origins is a sweet piece of armor. That you can use in the forthcoming Mass Effect 2. Listen, I would drink toilet water that has been used by Shepard and crew. So this armor is so, so, so fucking tempting.

I had tried to forget about the fact that they were bundling this sexy armor for ME2 in with Dragon Age, but then BioWare released this video where you see it in action. In Mass Effect 2. Lords of Kobol, give me discipline. Check out the video after the jump.
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