For months I’ve been trying to get into Yeoman Chamber’s pants. Like, I really wanted to. I’ve spent all of my effort and suave nature trying to convince her to make the mistake of a lifetime.

And today I found out why. BioWare is a bunch of pussies, and don’t allow same-sex romances.

I stumbled across a ballin’ article today over at Kotaku in which the writer asked why same-sex bangings couldn’t happen to the Czar of Douchery or whatever over at BioWare. The response was something like “Blah blah blah, non-answer, blah blah, we’re pussies.”

First:
I can understand where they’re coming from. Sort of.

It makes complete sense that BioWare wants to market Mass Effect 2 to the greatest and most totally largest market imaginable. And having tons of dongs rubbing dongs and vaginas grinding vaginas would probably scare people away.

I mean, for me? It would have sold a second copy for me. Dongs rubbing dongs? I’m fucking in, man. But for all the homophobes, bible-fuckers, and toothless goobers out there that yesterday jerked off to their crucifix, it would have been an instant non-sale.

I think?

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[source : no cats on the blog via gamovr]

Fuck yeah, Super Mario Galaxy 2 is coming. And you better be ready with your hallucinogenic drug of choice for when this son of a bitch drops. What a trippy, engrossing, rewarding game the first Galaxy was.

I am pretty stoked about the sequel, and the trailer only increases my frothing demand. The gameplay is so sexy, so familiar, yet altered. I camped out for thirteen hours on release day for a Wii that simply fucking sits there. But if I can get a new Mario game every couple of years, it’ll be forever worth it.

Before you watch the video below, shave off all your pubic hair, pretend you don’t have wet dreams, and imagine you’re a fucking kid again. DO WANT.

When the Zombie Apocalypse hits, Akuma is going to Shoryuken your fucking brains out. Then eat them.

[ source/more pictures : all games beta ]

No, I didn’t get to go to PAXEAST this weekend. But my friend Jill, the uber female gamer, did. And being an amazing friend and all, she knows my proclivity for worshiping Bayonetta. The result of which was her taking this picture for me from the floors of PAX. Maybe it was for the best I didn’t go. As I imagine my girlfriend watching me being dragged off, screaming, clutching to the ground, foaming at the mouth, I’m like, yeah, that was probably for the best I didn’t see this in person.

Double kudos to Jill for thinking of me as I wept at home. Check out her Twitter, follow her blog, and if you ever find yourself in a game of Modern Warfare 2 with her, god help you. She’s going to own you.

Microsoft announced that they’re going to add support for USB flashdrives! Hey, that’s fucking fantastic! No, not really. My PS3 allowed me to do that like nineteen years ago. How about you let us use fucking external drives.

Via Kotaku

Starting April 6 Xbox 360 owners will be able to use USB flash drives to store profiles, game saves, demos and “more”, Microsoft confirmed this morning.Posting on his blog, Xbox Live’s Larry Hryb said that the company has been testing the feature for a few weeks and that he thinks it’s is “great.” A system updating hitting April 6 will allow us all to see just how great it is. The update will support flash drives that are 1 GB to to 16 GB in size. While USB hard drives “may work”, he adds, you will still only be able to use 16 GB of the drives spaces.

Wait, so you can only use flash drives, or your external hard drives can only be utilized for 16gb of their space? I wonder why.

Hard drives for the 360 are the biggest fucking rip-off going. For $120, you can get a 250gb hard drive. They’re fucking our wallets with thorny cocks. I got a 350gb hard drive for my PS3 for seventy-five dollars. And I’m sure they’re way cheaper now.

How about you douchebags at Microsoft stop raping our wallets and allow us to use the full scope of any external hard drives we may have? ‘Cause I have a 1 TB external hard drive that I paid a hundred bucks for, and that makes a lot more sense to me than getting raped by your proprietary bullshit, okay? I love your system, I already bought the 120gb hard drive like a fucking asshole, I pay for XBOX Live!, c’mon, do me a solid.

I know it may sound insane, given all my proclivities for the profane, but I can’t jack the wang to video game characters. For all my proclamations about how god damn sexy Bayonetta’s ass is, or how hot Yeoman Chambers makes me, I can’t take the final step. I can’t go from “Man, she’s hot as fuck” to “I’m unzipping my fly and mashing it.”

It’s weird.

In the world of masturbation, I’ve pretty much run the gauntlet on fetishes. I’ve exhausted every one. I’ve tried everything, and left it behind in pornographic ennui a million-zillion gigabytes later. So I am definitely born to stroke it to oddities. Oh lord, sorry Mom. But yeah, I really am. The thing is though, I’ve never actually wanted to masturbate to a picture of a video game character. There’s nothing wrong with it, but I haven’t.

Sorry those of you who wank to Na’Vi porn, I can’t join your club. And I sort of want to.

I bring this up, because half of our hits at this den of debauchery come from people looking to rub their buttons or titillate their phallus to naked video game characters. Ever since I made the obvious observation that Vanille sounds like a Japanese porn actresses, that post has been crushing it as far as traffic. I mean, you’ve seen the search engine results. “Vanille Nude”, “I Wanna Bury My Face In Bayonetta’s Ass”.

Real people, typing these things.

I actually think it’s sort of cool that people get so geeked up over fictional characters. Maybe it’s because even though I don’t ejaculate to polygons, I am demented. I just picture someone sitting at their keyboard, so fucking horny, and all they want to see is a picture of Lightning from Final Fantasy XIII with the hilt of the Buster Sword up her butt. Or maybe Chris Redfield from Resident Evil making out with Leon Kennedy. I can’t help but be amazed by that sort of shit.

Not appalled. Amazed.

I’m not going to judge the people who are into it, whatever gets your rocks off. If I don’t want people to demean me because sometimes I like to queue up some bisexual lactating orgy, then I’m definitely not going to hate on them because their one desire before they go to bed is to orgasm to the notion of Batman batfucking Superman.

I just can’t imagine the jump though. I was talking Bags, the dude who does all the coding for the site. You can imagine since he’s allied with me he’s also a pervert and a degenerate. You’d be correct. And the two of us, even with our combined perversity, can’t imagine rocking our rocks out to Yuna.

There may have been one time when I was seventeen when I masturbated to a picture of Faye from Cowboy Bebop. I distinctly remember the possibility that it occurred. A decade later, I can’t recall if I had the intent to, or if I actually did. Whatever the case though, those days are gone, like leaves upon trees in winter.

Hats off to you who can, though. I admire your imagination, and ability to take your libido where even I can’t. You are in a rarefied state, and I don’t judge you, but only can praise.

[gag films youtube via all games beta]

This is utterly fucking ridiculous. I love it.

Well holy fuck, shit actually seems to be heating up regarding the Final Fantasy VII Remake. Don’t you play with my balls, Square Enix! Don’t you pull this shit again!

Via Kotaku:

Yoichi Wada, the president and chief executive of Square Enix, told Siliconera that the company has heard its fans’ pleadings to remake FFVII, made nearly 13 years ago for the original PlayStation.
“Right now we don’t have a clear direction, but many fans have requested we remake Final Fantasy VII,” Wada said. “We’re going to explore the possibility – whether or not we’re going to do it, if we’re going to do it, and the platform.”

Fans have been asking for it? No shit! I think we began fapping about the possibility way back when the god damn PS2 was announced Get this shit done. Please. Please, God. I beg you.