Damien Canderle reimagined our buddy Link as a wizened, old bad ass son of a bitch as part of ZBrush Central’s “Age of Legends” contest for Comicon. I don’t think I need to elaborate, but this all smacks of fucking righteous awesomitude. Not that we’ll ever see something like this, but the beard itself makes Link beyond fierce, and the attention paid to the outfit is stupendous. Damien Canderle, you are one talented, jaw-dropping son of a bitch. Slow clap.

Hit the jump for more pictures of Sir Elder Link.

Keep Reading »

Well son of a bitch. No sooner do I post a poorly thought out and rushed rant about 3D gaming sucking rancid ass-breath, I come across a study that 80% of gamers are willing to use 3D glasses. Son of a bitch! Jim Sterling breaks it down.

According to a recent survey, 80% of people are willing to play games while wearing 3D glasses. This study contradicts previous polls which have always indicated an aversion to 3D glasses and a general indifference toward the technology in general.

Of those polled, 65% already owned an HDTV and 35% of them were planning to upgrade to a 3DTV. The survey was compiled by U-Decide, a company that specialized in surveying gamers to find out what they want. According to them, gamers want 3D.

Well then, what the fuck! Why am I surprised? Avatar made more money than god, and it just about kicked off this 3D craze that makes me want to puke blood and chunky bits of corn-based vomit all over my crotch. I need to shut my mouth though, since I’ll let you in on a secret: I enjoyed Avatar the first time I saw it. First time? Yeah, ’cause I actually saw it twice. Shh, don’t ruin my cred. The second time though? I noticed what I couldn’t when I was so bedazzled by the gimmick on the first time through. It was a cliched, slow-paced piece of crap.

So yeah, I was fooled, others were fooled, and we all love gimmicks. Fuck, I hate myself.

Kotaku picked up on a CNN article where   Microsoft Game Studios VP Phil Spencer is talking up the Nintendo 3DS, while calling the rest of 3D gaming a “science experiment”. Well then! What exactly is Spencer’s reasoning for praising the upcoming Nintendo handheld, while taking a presumed swipe on Sony’s entry into 3D gaming on the PS3? Dude explains!

CNN:

“I like the 3DS,” Spencer said, though he hadn’t actually seen it firsthand. He likes the concept because “you don’t have to wear the glasses.”

I agree with you on that one, Philly. Nothing screams choad like wearing some goofy fucking glasses while you’re trying to watch television, or play video games. I mean, talk about fucking gimmicky. But do you know what’s just as gimmicky as wearing some fucking goggles on your fat mug? Doing karate kicks to control something on screen!

Yeah, that’s right the fucking Kinect is about as retarded and gimmicky. Now, I’m embellishing a bit. He didn’t actually demean 3D gaming as gimmicky. I did. I just sort of conflated the two. But it seems amusing that he doesn’t see something ludicrous in fingering animals with your hands through pantomiming, but he thinks some glasses on your faceplate aren’t anything more than fucking around with science.

Thoughts? Shazam!

Our favorite fat Italian fuck turned twenty-five this year, along with the system he originally rocked out on. As part of that whole “Hey, you’re really fucking old!” celebration, Nintendo and Miyamoto have been talking about the creation process regarding Super Mario. I know you’ve asked yourself the same questions I have; was Mario always some awkward, asexual slave to a blundering princess? Was Luigi always that creepy lurker guy, who you just know is waiting to tap Princess on the rebound?

All important questions. But how about this nugget of interest: originally Super Mario was a bullet-shooting bad motherfucker.

Kotaku via 1UP:

During much of development, the controls were A for shoot bullets, B to dash, and up on the control pad to jump,” said Miyamoto. “The bullets wound up becoming fireballs later – we originally thought about having a shoot-’em-up stage where Mario jumps on a cloud and shoots at enemies, but we dropped it because we wanted to focus on jumping action. The sky-based bonus stages are the remnants of that idea, you could say. In the end, we realized that being able to shoot all the fireballs you want while running gave Mario too much of an advantage, so instead we had it so you shoot only one fireball when you start running.

Christ almighty! Wouldn’t that have solved everything back in the day. Here is friggin’ Mario, having to stop over and over on dumb ass Bowser’s neck. Just praying for some sort of paralysis. Seriously! That god damn Dino-Lizard-Turtle-Thing must have adamantium vertebrae. If Miyamoto just gave the poor fat bastard a shotgun, dude could have iced King Koopa eons ago, and put the Mushroom Kingdom in a much better state. I mean, sure, leiniency and all that crap on first offense. But Bowser is a repeat kidnapper and obviously rapist.

Put the boy out of his misery.

[DEFEAT. is Rendar Frankenstein’s truest attempt at fiction.   Presented in weekly episodes, the novella tells the tale of Daryl Millar – a hero who dies at the intersection of pop culture, science-fiction, war epic, and fantasy]

“I’ll teach you to mess with my girlfriend, you dookie-tossin’ ape motherfucker! That’s right, I’m going to catch up to you at some point and when I do I’m going to blast a hole in your goddamn chest! No more of this swinging a hammer, hopping over barrels, climbing up ladders bullshit – I’m going to shoot you in the chest with a fucking gun!”

Keep Reading »

Oh shit! Fallout: New Vegas is mine, and we’re up and running. Took the little glorious piece of software into my nerdungeonhovel, and we took a liking to one another quickly. I don’t know if it’s love at first sight, but it’s certainly lust at first glance.

Jesus Christ, I know this is old, but I hadn’t seen it yet. The female model for Dragon Age II’s Hawke is fucking gorgeous. And powerful. Powerfully gorgeous. Gorgeously powerful. I more or less want her to take it to me with a strap-on while screaming incantations and making me swallow mana potions. I’m in love. I want to wear a plate metal girdle and have her throw me through walls before claiming me. Don’t tell my girlfriend.

Check out this ridiculous son of a bitch designed by Ben Heck. A fucking portable Xbox 360 Slim. Filed under: useless, but amazing. Heck goes the all the fucking way with this thing. He drops the specs on us:

You knew this was coming — the Xbox 360 Slim Portable.

Big differences compared to my older models:

About 1.5″ inches narrower left and right, 1″ narrower front to back.
Internal power supply.
Uses stock Xbox 360 Slim fan so it’s much quieter than my older 3 fan models.
Touch sensitive power and eject buttons of the Slim have been preserved.

Not so big differences:

Pushbutton control audio amplification.
Gateway 1775W 17″ widescreen LCD display @ 1280×720.
Fan grate design copied from PS3 Laptop design.
PVC plastic routed case.

Fucking ridiculous. Head over to Heck’s site for a shitload of more pictures, and a Youtube video that goes inside the constructing of this monolith.

College Humor brings an amazing representation of the Jersey Shore as an old school RPG. Fucking amazing. Jersey Shore is the future, Final Fantasy IV is the past. When the two worlds collide, time and space ripple momentarily, before embracing the awesomeness that is the contradiction.

Hit the jump to check out the video, skank.

Keep Reading »

Somehow a fucking BioWare RPG escaped my notice last year. Or rather, I saw it, and I thought to myself “I can live without playing it.” Even I cannot explain my train of thought sometimes. Well, I fucking got into it lately, and I’ve come to a simple conclusion: my perceived apathy towards it was actually an internal survival mechanism. For after borrowing it from The Dude, I have begun playing it, and the hours have begun to melt away. One hour, two hour, three hours, and I’m sitting in a caffeinated trance, stabbing darkspawn like the baddest motherfucker ever.

It takes a lot to get me to sit down for more than an hour with a video game anymore. Even games that I dig usually have me playing with something resembling restraint. However, not Dragon Age. It’s like Lord of the Rings-themed crack. Straight up the nerd pipe.

I fucking dreamt about it last night. That shit used to be reserved for Diablo II and World of Warcraft. The sound of spells rocketing through my slumber.

Fucking Dragon Age. You gorgeous son of a bitch.