Miyamoto First Envisioned Super Mario As A Friggin’ Sniper; Cold Blooded Italian!
Our favorite fat Italian fuck turned twenty-five this year, along with the system he originally rocked out on. As part of that whole “Hey, you’re really fucking old!” celebration, Nintendo and Miyamoto have been talking about the creation process regarding Super Mario. I know you’ve asked yourself the same questions I have; was Mario always some awkward, asexual slave to a blundering princess? Was Luigi always that creepy lurker guy, who you just know is waiting to tap Princess on the rebound?
All important questions. But how about this nugget of interest: originally Super Mario was a bullet-shooting bad motherfucker.
During much of development, the controls were A for shoot bullets, B to dash, and up on the control pad to jump,” said Miyamoto. “The bullets wound up becoming fireballs later – we originally thought about having a shoot-’em-up stage where Mario jumps on a cloud and shoots at enemies, but we dropped it because we wanted to focus on jumping action. The sky-based bonus stages are the remnants of that idea, you could say. In the end, we realized that being able to shoot all the fireballs you want while running gave Mario too much of an advantage, so instead we had it so you shoot only one fireball when you start running.
Christ almighty! Wouldn’t that have solved everything back in the day. Here is friggin’ Mario, having to stop over and over on dumb ass Bowser’s neck. Just praying for some sort of paralysis. Seriously! That god damn Dino-Lizard-Turtle-Thing must have adamantium vertebrae. If Miyamoto just gave the poor fat bastard a shotgun, dude could have iced King Koopa eons ago, and put the Mushroom Kingdom in a much better state. I mean, sure, leiniency and all that crap on first offense. But Bowser is a repeat kidnapper and obviously rapist.
Put the boy out of his misery.