#Video Games
Video: The ‘BIOSHOCK SONG’ will carry you until Infinite drops.
Bummed out because BioShock Infinite is delayed into infinity and having serious development problems? Sate yourself with this glorious BioShock song.
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‘MASS EFFECT’ plush dolls are as adorable as the ending is deplorable. I know, I know.
Someday I’m going to let go of my disdain for the ending to the first Mass Effect trilogy. Someday. When monkeys fly out of my butt! Groans from the audience. Resentful rimshot from the band drummer. For now enjoy these plushies by viciouspretty.
Press Start: moist palms and stat-tracking qualms
This week my prayers were finally answered. After weeks of ceremoniously burning copies of Too Human as sacrifice to my polygonal God, the games industry has finally started moving again. This week’s Games Con saw a whole host of sexy new trailers and announcements, including the likes of Star Wars: 1313, Metal Gear Rising and the impressive Remember Me.
Now that you’ve watched those, here’s my selection of the not quite so prominent goings-on in the games industry, or at least the happenings that won’t just result in two paragraphs of me gushing like a schoolboy.
Blizzard drops ‘MISTS OF PANDARIA’ CINEMATIC TRAILER. Panda bear beats orc? That dun sound right.
An orc. Yeah, you know. Like infinity years of war, forged from Satan’s jizz rags, nineteen feet tall, born to kill. Obviously bested by Jack Black in a furry outfit.
‘MASS EFFECT 3’ Leviathan DLC is dropping August 28. We…care?
Mass Effect 3 is finally getting some DLC that isn’t promising to fix the ending. Those lasses and lads at BioWare really through themselves off their schedule when they decided to shit directly into the game code after about thirty hours of fun. They’ve finally doubled back around though, and are ready to release some new content.
‘DEAD SPACE 3’ GAMESCOM TRAILER and Release Date. Inside. Right here.
Try as I might, I can’t stop wanting Dead Space 3. Yeah, it’s going to be a wilted version of a fantastic formula. It’s still a form of that structure, even bastardized and farted upon. I’m sorry. I’m weak. I can’t say no to Isaac Clarke or late night peanut butter sandwiches. And might I add, the two of them go fantastic together.
‘THE LAST OF US’ NEW TRAILER & SCREENSHOTS: F**k that TV show ‘REVOLUTION’, this is my green apocalypse.
Forget the next dumb ass J.J. Abrams’ television show that is going to collapse in on its own overwrought mystery. The Last of Us is the green apocalypse that I am will be participating in. There’s a new trailer bringing the heat courtesy of gamescom, as well as a plethora of screenshots. Goddamn, I need this title.
‘GOLDENEYE 007 had its classic multiplayer mode added last minute. Ridiculous.
A big staple of my adolescence was playing endless hours of GoldenEye 007 with Rendar and our friends. Raging hardcore at bullshit tactics but loving every minute of it. I imagine this is a bit of a ubiquitous feeling across gamers of our generation. Low and behold some crazy shit! The generation-defining mode was a last minute addition that the powers that be didn’t even know about.
‘STAR WARS 1313’ TRAILER: Making the Trilogy cool again.
Slather my taint in bees and feed me to Winnie the Pooh, this trailer is totally redonk. IGN has done us all the service of culling the excess and providing us Star Wars folk with all the trailer goodness from E3. Fuck to the yes.
Capcom and Dontnod’s ‘REMEMBER ME’ OFFICIAL TRAILER: Cyberpunk Inception Orgy.
Hell yeah! Capcom is teaming up with developer Dontnod to hang this fucking gem upside my head. Take a total nerd-spot milking cyberpunk environment, throw in some overwrought Inception pandering. Mix it with a gorgeous battle system and cover system. Watch Caff-Pow writhe.
