#Video Games
J.J. ABRAMS and VALVE teaming up for ‘PORTAL’ and ‘HALF-LIFE’ movies. Plus, a game!
J.J. Abrams continue to appropriate geek franchises into his corpus, channeling the energy absorbed into some sort of world-breaking incantation.
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Report: New XBOX requires INTERNET CONNECTION, has one-time game activation codes. Plus specs!
Oh! Check it out! The new Xbox is going to be totally fascist, requiring the internet connections, and fucking the used game market in the skull.
Press Start: Of Monkeys and THE MAN
This week’s pressing questions in gaming are:
Why don’t more women play games? Probably doing something productive whilst I jerk it to polygons.
Why did they delay GTA V and does this somehow relate to rumoured plans for Rockstar to form a Bioshock-esque rogue state?
Just how powerful is the new Playstation going to be and is it going to include the Fleshlight extension that I’ve been petitioning for some months now?
Bethesda hiring for unannounced NEXT-GEN CONSOLE GAME. Fallout 5: New Tokyo?!
Bethesda is hiring for an unannounced next-gen game. If I had my druthers, I would bet that it is Fallout 5: New Tokyo, starring Vin Diesel. Perhaps fortunately I am broke, and so those who are smart enough to take me up on that bet are incapable of doing so.
HIDEO KOJIMA goes full RAIDEN action figure. Yup. Yupyup.
Hideo Kojima has sloughed off the coils of mortality, ascending into his rightful place as an action figure turned cyborg. Unfortunately, there is no drawstring that lets the windy Kojima blather socio-philosophical sweet nothings, but here is hoping the production model will remedy that miss.
‘PLAYSTATION 4’ being announced on February 20, motion-sensored arousal.
Is sensored a word? It is now! IDGAF. Oh boy. So yeah. Sony is announcing PlayStation 4 Wunder Pow! on February 20, which means I need to start rubbing dimes together. Here is hoping the Powers that Be at the company don’t drop another, “we want our customers to love our products so much they being selling seed and egg to afford us” on the crowd.
‘GRAND THEFT AUTO V’ delayed until September 17, whattayagonnado.
Grand Theft Auto V has been delayed, thereby causing like, more than several people to frown. Oh lord, if you could see these frowns. The people don’t even respect themselves, drooling half-chewed pizza and such all over their t-shirts. Embarrassing. C’mon guys, it is just a game.
Press Start: Sub-Title Generator Ver. 2.0
Video games are great and all, I don’t want you to get me wrong, but sometimes you just have to disconnect, you know? Really take a look at your surroundings and the people closest to you: learn to appreciate the real things in your life.
Of course I’m kidding, we all know that other human beings are fuckers and that reality is a hugely overrated series of crushing failures and missed opportunities. Let’s get virtual.
Nintendo is remaking ‘WIND WAKER’ for the Wii U, which is sort of cool
This can be filed under “sort of cool, but not worth buying.” Right up there in my life with the Fleshlight, Snuggies, and an inspection sticker for my car. Nintendo is ripping out a Wii U remake of Wind Waker, probably because they have no fucking games, and no one cares about the system. It’s a semi-dope move, but it isn’t going to be enough to get me to buy the system. That’ll take a brand new Mario or Zelda title.
‘DEAD SPACE 3’ features N7 ARMOR and microstransactions. Win some, lose some.
At this point in the dance, continuing to complain about microtransactions in gaming is like me complaining about blood in my stool. It is part and parcel for the area. If I didn’t want blood in my stool, I’d stop soaking my cells in aluminium filings to keep away the Illuminati Mind Control. If I didn’t want to deal with microtransactions, I would stop gaming. Dead Space 3 is the latest culprit in this spreading phenomenon. But don’t cry! It has N7 armor for some of us. Wee!
