#Video Games
Press Start: Suda Horny, Michael
The world of video games is an industry powered by the inane grins of fuckwitts flailing to Just Dance and the sweaty wank-palms of teens prestiging for the nineteenth time on Black Ops II. Occasionally though, this fecal assembly line spews out the odd gem, inspires the odd moment of creativity and even showcases some of the most inventive minds working today. I guess, on the whole, it isn’t quite so bad. Perhaps I should put my cynicism aside. “What’s that? Assassin’s Creed with pirates? You mean the only decent mechanic in the entire of Ass Creed III was simply to test the market for the next title?” Excuse me whilst I wretch over the starboard bow. No wonder I’m so cynical. Before I hurt someone, here’s a round-up of the less-shit things that happened in gaming this week.
2 Comments »
‘FALLOUT’ VAULT 101 sneakers and hoodie are gorgeous. Get in my soul.
Check out these beautiful Vault 101 sneakers, complimented by a sexy-sexy Vault 101 hoodie. Now, we all know that I cannot find these sneakers for my behemoth feet. That much is a given. However, there may be hope for me yet. I’ll be goddamn if I cannot purchase the hoodie, and drape it across my hairy gamer shoulders.
‘BIOSHOCK INFINITE’ TV TRAILER: NO SERIOUSLY, THE GAME IS ALMOST HERE.
Folks, BioShock Infinite has almost arrived. The game that I have been sweating only second to HL: Episode III in ferocity. Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
HIDEO KOJIMA continues trolling us with INSANE ‘PHANTOM PAIN’ interview.
This is utter madness ratcheted up to the Nth degree. When The Phantom Pain’s trailer dropped last year, people were confused. What the fuck was this game? Who was this mysterious developer? No one really knew. After some scratching at the surface however, details began to emerge. Slowly, the mystery resolved itself. Resolved itself right into the maniacal face of Hideo Kojima. A recent interview with Joakim Mogren who is the alleged creator of the game only continues this insanity.
Press Start: Dads N’ Damsels
This week in gaming, millions of male gamers still found a way to wax their poles to the new, gritty Tomb Raider; Sim City went into complete shit-ridden meltdown and I continued to play a tonne of Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance. The only thing that comforts me after typing that ridiculous name is the unrelenting entertainment value of tearing out cyborg spines. Third playthrough down and I’m still digging the most violent method of electrolyte extraction known to man.
Nice: VALVE distributing STEAM BOX prototypes within next 3-4 months.
As much as I am jazzed about the PlayTogether Four and the Xbox 720 Degrees of Xtreme, I find the Steam Box interesting as fuck. It seems as though it is going to offer a lot more versatility, and all the walled in garden bullshit of the consoles. I could be completely wrong. None the less, with Valve pumping out prototypes within the next few months, it seems that Gabe et al are going to challenge my wallet to a staring match. Sooner, rather than later.
This console is FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER, plays NES, SNES, Genesis. With HDMI.
As someone who has been itching to play through his old ass gaming collection lately, this console is fucking perfect. Sure, I could use an emulator, but I want to use the original controllers. On a television. So fuck yes, give me this ghastly blight on gaming creation. I need it.
Rumor: ‘DEAD SPACE 4’ cancelled after third game’s sales. Well, f**k.
This one if a bit of a kick in the jimmy for me. Dead Space 3 sold its essence in exchange for an attempt at a money grab. After shearing off what made the franchise memorable in favor of attempting to accumulate every tired gaming mechanic into one bursting shell, the entire whorish endeavor was for nothing. Fuck, fuck, fuck. While I would rather see the series die than suffer its painful metamorphosis, I would also wish they had maintained their original vision for their conclusion. ‘Cause their selling out changed nothing.
Cosplay: DHALSIM got that stretchy blue swagger. Or not. Maybe not.
Here is some Dhalsim upside your head. Usually I correlate the character with an endless onslaught of fiery ass-whupping being laid on my ass by a friend. Now? Now I can sit back and not want to eat a controller just to spit the broken shards into a childhood friend’s soul.
Press Start: Severed Heads and Savoir Faire
Big Al down the pub told me that he’s seen the PS4. He said it’s sort of shiny, round and floats towards you ominously with its protruding spikes and blades. I told him that was one of the spheres from Phantasm. To be fair: I should have known better, Al is renowned for being full of shit – he once even told me that dogs can’t look up.
