Fuck you and your headlines, Caff-Pow! It’s like you’re thirteen Diet Dews and a Sudafed deep! Reality is buzzing and forget headlines, between the mucous drip and the shakes you can barely maintain a presence in this plane of reality! I say — precisely! But while I’m here, I’m going to enjoy the news that Hyper Light Drifter is dropping this holiday.

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Nothing much to say here, other than Patrick Brown is responsible for a hell of a dose of Fallout 3 artwork. Tasty enough to remind you how good the game was, hellaciously tasty enough to remind you how badly you want Fallout 4.

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Some person is shouting “YOLO” at the stars while puking dated references down their polo shirt. How else could they be behaving, if they’re just vomiting up all sorts of XB1 goodies and secrets? No clear lack of respect for timely references, or secrets. Seriously though, there’s been a goddamn avalanche of rumors revealed by this person with a Really Confusing Moniker. Most of them have me shrugging in apathy. How about you?

Hit the jump to check them out.

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Despite what this site and many others (we’re stupid together!) reported a couple of days ago, Nintendo  emphatically denied taking their software to other consoles. Sort of. I mean when Nintendo president Iwata says the company  “will use smart devices to attract customers to its hardware”, it feels like we’re delving into Obi-Wan speak. How are you going to use phones to entice customers? Demos, perhaps? Who knows. Vagaries like a fucking whirlwind. What do we know about the company? Well, it appears that their next move is…into the health market?

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Steel yourself, ya ding dongs. Steel yourself for the sequel to one of the most unforgiving, engrossing, masochistic little gems to be knifed into the side of gamers in years.

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I…I still don’t know what the fuck happened in BioShock Infinite, let alone the first episode of Burial At Sea. Oh for the love of Christ put down the pie charts, the Excel spreadsheets, and your timeline. If you need to resort to that nonsense, the plot is fucked. Anyways, even with that said I’m opening up my fanboy gaping maw for Burial At Sea’s second episode. Why? Cause I’m a sucker. But most importantly? I bought the season pass ahead of time like an asshole.

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Nintendo’s releasing free mini-games on phones. Now, now. They’re mini-games, okay? Don’t go thinking they’re demos. Even though they’re short little games that are intended to get you to buy full games. Okay? Totally not demos. That sort of insanity would go against Nintendo’s pretty staunch stance against releasing titles on the mobile tip.

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Gears of War has always been a Microsoft exclusive, but now the franchise is definitely not going anywhere. The Company that Bill Built or Something has purchased the series from Epic Games. Not only that though, they’ve reclaimed series producer Rod Ferguson. I’m actually quite stoked about the enterprise.

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The only thing that mitigates my excitement for Titanfall is the fact that none of my friends have an XB1. I don’t think? Otherwise, I’m pretty sure I’d flip this computer table in a caffeinated batch of fanboy insanity after watching this alpha footage. Good. God. Yes.

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King Hippo! That fucking prick! The first time I came across his path he foiled me for a bit. I was young as fuck, and all. However after realizing once you knocked his ass down, he never got back up I came to have a sad reverence for the poor prick. The same reverence is found in this pretty bad ass video, where the classic poor fuck gets converted into 3D chalk art.

Fuck yeah!

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