You can almost smell the sizzling scent of frying flesh on this forthcoming long weekend. Or uh, tofu if you’re of the vegetarian assort! Whatever it is, hell yeah motherfuckers! Welcome to the  pretty much fucking Memorial Day edition of  Press Start! The  column that spits on the five things in the world of gaming that caught my eye this week.

The list is incomplete, based on whimsy, and structured in a way to encourage your participation. Let’s fucking dance!

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Press Start!, press select!, who gives a shit! This is the column where I blather like the droll man I am about five things that caught my eye in the world of gaming this week. Buckle up for the suck. As I type this, the PSN is reigniting its engines, and word unconfirmed by yours truly is that the United States can actually  play games online once more with their PlayStationing machinery.

There’s that! Pour a Dew out for my homies who have assuredly ended themselves, cut off from their virtual machine gunning and karate kicking.

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What’s up, fleshbags! I hope the previous 168 or so hours have been palatable to your sensory glands. All the stimuli processed rather flowingly. What a goddamn week it’s been for the Empire! We put a bullet through the eyes of a terrorist, fist-pumped for like thirty minutes while drinking beer, and then went back to fighting like petulant high schools.

It’s cool though, it gave me a brief reprieve before remembering why I escape into comic books and video games.

This is Press Start!, or five things I dug in the world of video games this week. I went out of my way to fucking not mention either Wii 2 or PSN news, I apologize. Hit me with your own choice moments in the land of combo breakers and 1UPs.

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#1: China Gets A Handheld that’s NGP Meets Xbox 360 Abortion.
Sony can’t seem to catch a fucking break these days. No sooner do they take down Geohot, they have to begin piecing together an online network from cobbled portions of compromised sectors and uh, phoenix walls and uh other stuff Jack Bauer babbled about.

Now they got this motherfucking aberration. Meet the iReadyGo RG, the Chinese knock-off of Sony’s upcoming handheld. It’s a nearly identical copy of the NGP, except that it looks like the NGP swapped saliva with the garish buttons that adorned the Xbox 360. The most interesting shit is that ” we’ll be seeing some Android love here, and indeed, iReadyGo is currently recruiting six senior Android developers.”

Outstanding. Keep your chin up, Sony. I love you. You have a great personality.

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#2: Guardian Heroes Is Coming To XBLA. Fuck Yes.
Quick quiz: did you play Guardian Heroes back in the day? If you answered no, there’s redemption coming. If you answered yes, your swagger is immaculate. Welcome to the club. Guardian Heroes is a fucking cult classic by beloved, worshipped, and occasionally masturbated to developer Treasure. The pig came out for Sega Saturn – god rest that console’s soul – and you can currently get an original copy of it on eBay for over $100.

Or you can wait! This shit is coming to the XBLA this Fall, with optional remastered graphics. Fuck yes! As a douchebag who worshipped Treasure and my two Saturns (kid, you need a Japanese one to play X-Men vs. Street Fighter, right?!) back in the day, this is outstanding. Why the fuck did I ever sell my copy?

Now we just need NiGHTS on the downloadable tip. Please, God. Please.

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#3: Dude Snags Nintendo 3DS Augmented Reality Tat.
This is one of the most scorching boss mode. cranberryzero over at iheartchaos was fucking around with his Nintendo 3DS and its augmented reality games. Then the dude-turned-genius thought about how dope it would be to get the AR card as a fucking tattoo. So he did. The craziest part? It fucking works.

Welcome to post-humanist future wankery right here. Fucking outstanding. Bask in the glory of modifying one’s body to project a digital image. We all need lenses and modifications so we can glimmer about in a gorgeously virtual-turned-real-enough world.
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This is Press Start! Welcome one, welcome all. How are you on this fair weekend? I hope you’ve escaped the drudgery momentarily. Tapped out of the 9-5 machinations of our wonderful grindo-culture, for a couple of days. Sip some suds and check out the five things that I dug in gaming this week, and as usual share your own.

This week we have fucking Best Buy wanting to ruin your shopping experience, the Wii 2’s specs dribbling down your chin, a pastor bribing sinners with Nintendos, and more.

Let’s party.

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#1: Best Buy Promises To Ruin Your Gaming Experience.
I like shopping for shopping for video games at Best Buy. While I admittedly do most of my video game acquiring whilst sitting in sweaty, dank midnight release lines, whenever I go to Best Buy it’s a welcome change of pace.

Why?

Motherfuckers at Gamestop are miserable. All up in my grill, wanting to know if I want to reserve anything. If I want to buy a fucking disc protection warranty. If I want to buy   a strategy guide when the entire universe of the internet can provide the sort of tips and tricks I need.

You don’t get this shit at Best Buy. Or at least you didn’t.

This week it was revealed that Best Buy wants to add all sorts of happy horseshit to their gaming section. They want to add desks and shit where “specialists” will sit and “help us” with our trade-ins, and offer us “exclusive digital content.”

Oh fuck me. Best Buy, be the one place who stays the fuck out of our way. I don’t want to reserve anything unless I say so, and I certainly don’t want to have a warranty on a disc shoved down my throat.

Best Buy: Making Amazon look like a better, and better option.

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#2: Church Bribes People With 3DS And Other Electronics.
Here’s an inventive way to get people to go to church on Sunday. Nothing can get people to abandon reason and science in favor of mystic Zombie Walkers better than materialism. I mean, I’ll be fucking goddamned (there’s a pun in there somewhere) if we don’t worship anything like we do our products.  At least one church has finally realized that our lawn and our cars are our only God.

Meet   pastor Eric Dykstra and The Crossing Church. They’re offering $8,000 in electronics as a bribe to drive asses into seats on Sunday. That’s right, if you attend, you’re entered into a fucking lottery to snag a Nintendo 3DS and other bullshit. Praise the lord! Dykstra breaks it down:

“It’s awkward to say ‘hey come to my church.’ It just feels weird and you don’t want to twist somebody’s arm so to kind of alleviate some of that weirdness what we’ve done is said hey if you bring your friend to church they might potentially win a 3D television, a 3DS or a 3D movie ticket package.”

Fair enough, fair enough. Motherfuckers have to be ingenuitive to get people back into the altars. Makes a road trip to Minnesota almost worth it.

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#3:  Sega Attempts To Break Our Heart Again With New Sonic Game.
Sonic Generations, welcome to the fucking world! In celebration of Sonic’s 20^th Anniversary, Sega has announced yet another crack at the Sonic franchise. Man, Sonic’s 20 years-old. What’s more staggering than that is that there hasn’t been a fucking console Sonic game worth playing for more than half of that. I’m throwing the fucking chips down, Sonic Adventure was the last excellent title for our hedgehog. If you think that game wasn’t excellent, I may even grant you that.

Here comes Sonic Generations though, and it’s a bit of a unique spin. They’re offering classic levels such as Green Hill Zone, but with a twist. You can play through the levels either as classic Sonic, or with a viewpoint that echoes the more modern approach.

Fuck. The modern. Approach.

The ability to whiz through Green Hill zone with sexified graphics just may be enough for me to rock this title. However, more than likely, the game is going to drop, it’s going to get reviews that shitcan it, and I’m going to bemoan the lack of a quality Sonic on my plate.

Sonic 4? Fuck that game. Come on Sonic Team, get this goddamn shit done.

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Welcome to Press Start! The column where I jot down five things that caught my eye in the world of gaming this week. Poor edited!, check. Zero revisions!, check. Cobbled together on a couple of wings, a prayer, and ridiculous amounts of caffeine in the early hours of the morning.

I encourage all dorks and dinks and nerds and nincompoopto contribute what they dug this week.

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#1:  Grand Theft Auto Gives You Extra Points For Killing Kids!
Oh fuck son! I’ve been playing Grand Theft Auto wrong for nearly ten fucking years. Longer than that if you take into account the first two top-down games. Yeah! Yeah, yeah! All these years I’ve been playing and I’ve never been aware that you get more points for killing children and old fuckers.

This nonsense stems out of a tragedy that went down last Thursday in Brazil. Wellington Menezes de Oliveira “opened up fire at a school in Rio de Janeiro killing 12 pupils and injuring 13 others, aged between 12- and 14-years-old.” Not cool, at all.

Quite obviously.

Unfortunately spinsters vomit up bullshit, seizing any opportunity to massage their own importance glands through hyperbole and sensationalism. Two days later in O Globo, one of the biggest newspapers in Brazil, ran an article which didn’t have time for things like fact checking. It claimed that Oliveira played games like Counterstrike and Grand Theft Auto where “you score more points for killing women, children and old people.”

News to me! Fucking news to me.

Remember kids, no tragedy is ever so saddening you can’t use it to churn up slop, or pen the same old tired media nonsense.

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#2) Creator of the Video Game Cartridge Passes Away.
Jerry Lawson. His name was Jerry Lawson! Lawson was the creator of the video game cartridge, and this week the good sir went and tripped the light fantastic. It never even occurred to my dumb ass that the cartridge was something forged by man. I always fancied it some sort of platonic ideal, derived from the Other Realm, where unicorns and Justice can cavort about together.

No sir, we made it. Well, Lawson and his group of pioneers over at Fairchild Semiconductor. With that cartridge, he no doubt helped craft the childhood of many a million of dorks. Like you and me. Sitting here, in this gaming column, communicating via news born out of an industry of cartridges.

More than just what they housed, the physical cartridge was a staple of my childhood. Good god damn how many times did I go blue in my face blowing in them. Stacking those sons a bitches up. Flipping them to friends at lunch.

The cartridge. Staple of a childhood baked in dorkey, roasted in the fires of nerdiness.

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#3) Sony and Geohot Settle Out of Court.
It’s finally fucking over. Geohot, the dorkiest wanna-be hard ass in the gaming community settled with Sony out of court this week. You may remember Geohot as the dude who outed the PlayStation 3’s root key. Then he wrote an awful rap telling Sony to come and get him. They obliged, sending their lawyers, Death Stars, and various underlings after his ass.

At that point, he may have fled to South America, or gone there for Spring Break. Depending on whose story you believe.

All of that is over now, as the Totally Believing In Something Kid no longer wants to deal with a court battle with An Enormous Corporation State. Go figure! How quickly one’s ideology wilts in the face of a armada of litigation or whatever other more appropriate legal word I should be using.

Well, that’s that.

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This is  PRESS START!, and it’s a glorious afternoon here on the Eastern seaboard. It’s sunny out, go squeeze your love! Drink some suds. Disconnect. We’re going to do this quickly, I got myself a  barbecue  to attend! So with alacrity, we’re going to blow through some of the bullshit in the gaming world which caught my eyes this weekend. Per usual, hit me with your own observations.

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#1: Yakuza Is The Official Franchise Of Japanese Porno Babes.
Sega’s Yakuza franchise is a booming source for saucy Japanese babes to either parlay their porn careers into video game success, or now, use a video game as a launching ground for porn. Makes sense?  Erena Aihara was totally in Yakuza 4. Then recently she decided that she would use that particular opportunity to get her porn on.

That would be neat enough, but as you may know, another lady in Japanese porn, has been in the Yakuza series as well. Rio! Oh Rio. Star of such films as “Squirting Young Wife and Let’s Have Sex at School.”

You’re in  quality company, Aihara.

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#2: The Commodore 64 Fucking Lives!
Hit the fucking wayback machine! Classic gaming system the Commodore 64 lives again! It has been repurposed. Modified. Upgraded. Changed, though slightly the same. I hope to have something similar happen to me after the sparkling lights go out within my meat husk. Turn me into a robot, or a crash test dummy, or a remote controlled bomb diffuser or some shit. I must live, though my consciousness has been left to trip the light fantastic.

Though not as dope as my scenarios, the Commodore 64 has been given new life as a computer. Inside the swank keyboard is something with a little bit of thrust.

PCWorld:

The new system, which also starts at $595, is a little more modern: it’s got a Dual Core 525 Atom processor, an Nvidia Ion2 graphics chipset, 2GB of RAM (upgradeable to 4GB), a 160GB hard drive, and built-in Wi-Fi. On the left side of the keyboard there’s a slot or tray-load DVD (upgradeable to Blu-ray), and on the right side there’s a multi-format card reader, along with a USB 2.0 port. The rear features four additional USB 2.0 ports; mouse and keyboard PS/2 ports; DVI, VGA, and HDMI ports; Ethernet; and support for 6-channel HD audio. It runs Linux, but you can install Windows if you like.

It lives again. Not too shabby, though again, it’s not a human body turned into a remote controlled bomb diffusing device. What can you do.

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#3: Anonymous Throws Down With Sony.
Say what you will about their antics, Anonymous taking it to Sony this week is worth mentioning. The nameless legion decided that it was time to inter-fuck Sony’s servers for their persecution of Geohot and other hackers. The result was a deep beating of the PlayStation Network servers, leading to a number of errors and other bullshittery. Later on in the week they suspended their attacks because of it affecting dudes who just wanted to throw hadoukens and rock killstreaks.

Peoples within Sony talked some junk about the cyber-attack, describing it as nothing more that “annoyed…[their] network engineers”, and were planning to wait out the attack until Anonymous got bored. That tactic makes sense to me, though you’re probably going to draw their ire again by belittling the assault.

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When diversions are king, video games shall be amongst those running the pack. Making sure that everyone has the appropriate tattoos. Knowing the gang symbols. The terminology. Ruling the roost, if you will. This is Press Start!, the column where I spout off five things that happened in the world of gaming in a given week. My lists are dumb. Like yours, they are rife with personal preference, ideological tendencies, and since it’s me – juvenile bullshit.

I encourage all aboard to share their own musings.

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#1: Apple App Store Gets App That ‘Cures Homosexuality’, For Like A Second.
God damn, I have to give it to Apple. I knew from the multifarious apps found on Apple’s store were fucking powerful. I knew there were a lot of apps that could do a lot of things. Find a yummy restaurant for my belly! Find movie tickets. Play Angry Birds! Read a book! However, I wasn’t aware there was an app that could cure my raging hard-on for Chris Hemsworth in chainmail.

That’s where  Exodus International steps in! They released an app that claimed to cure gayness. It was a bit of an odd mood, since the fascist pigs at Apple have pulled some less polarizing applications. Wasn’t there one that cost like a zillion dollars? The Douche App? It did nothing aside from signify you could spend a lot of money?

Anyways, a day and one enormous 152,433 online signature later, they pulled the son of a bitch.

Go figure.

I’m actually okay with the existence of the app, if it wasn’t such an odd choice in lieu of what they have pulled. I am of the opinion that if a bunch of closed-minded assholes rubbing their genitals against a withering old tome want to try and make some money off their own ignorance, let them try.

Besides, it doesn’t work. I downloaded the app – mind you, I didn’t actually use it. However, if it worked, how would they trick the sinners into using it?! It must have unactivated capabilities, right? What I did do was stick my iPhone in my crotch and had my friend call me repeatedly with the phone on vibrate while I stared at Chris Evans’ pecs in the Captain America trailer. Still felt the love. Don’t tell my girlfriend.

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#2: New Movie ‘The FP’ Where Dance-Dance Meets Post-Apocalypse  Gang Wars.
In the future, we will all be divided amongst post-apocalypse gangs. When diversions are king, our lives will be dedicated to maintaining our reps and our various crews. The flick ‘The FP’ which screened at SXSW last week perfectly captures our forthcoming sociocultural  metamorphosis. Also, the movie is fucking madness.

Gangs fight it out in fatal games of DDR, titties, and absurd montages. The trailer is what happens when you cross 1980’s bro movies with video game slop-culture. In a completely conscious, and planning manner.

God bless.

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#3: Triforce Johnson Waits In Line For Nintendo 3DS. Gets Thrown Out. Returns.
Isaiah-Triforce Johnson is either the man, or a fucking mental patient. For some reason, I feel like the two categories bleed together so simply swimmingly when it comes to geek culture. Triforce, who had the phrase legally added to his first fucking name, is a man with a plan. The plan in question is to be the first motherfucker in Manhattan to get a Nintendo 3DS. He’s taken to this plan by waiting in line inside the foyer of the Union Square Best Buy in the Big Apple.

Earlier this week, Best Buy had security throw the dude out.

But that doesn’t stop a motherfucker, does it? He returned, and has apparently smoothed the entire thing over. “There was a Chris Brown launch party the night I came out” he said, so “Best Buy needed that space for the line. It kinda looked bad, but it was just a misunderstanding.”

Godspeed Triforce, you’re almost fucking there.

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Prepare thyself for the newest iteration of Press Start! The column where I puke up the top five things in the gaming world that caught my eye this week. It’s a democratic column, I want your input. Hit the comments box with your findings. True Believers! Gaming scientists!

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#1: Drunken NES: A Breathalyzer and 8-Bit Game In One.
This is one of those concoctions that fucking staggers me. It sends me into a spiralling moment of quasi-stoner amazement. Someone had to think up this brilliant piece of minutiae. Imagine this, if you can. Enterprising video game mechanical programming wizards had a dream. Their dream was simple. First, they had to make a breathalyzer  out of an original Nintendo Entertainment System cartridge. No small task! I have it on good authority many a modern day Prometheus has been felled by such a challenge.

Then, they had to craft a video game for the original Nintendo Entertainment System – yes I’m typing it out to be awkward – that could interface with this creation. By blowing your disgusting Oats and Hops stink-rot-gut-breath into the cartridge, the game would then calculate the level of your drunken stupor and rate your inebriated ass in 8-Bit glory.

It’s fucking radical.

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#2: Uncharted 3’s Villainess Revealed; Wrinkled Old Hottie.
Fuck yeah I like my gaming occasionally in the form of a megaton zillion-dollar production value big blockbuster. Fuck yeah! You disagree. Oh okay! You go have fun shaving in Heavy Rain or playing Limbo and waxing intellectual about how it’s totally ambient and deconstructs the medium and blah, blah, blah. I’m fucking amplified for Uncharted 3. Boom. Can’t wait. I say deliver me from boring fetch quests! I say deliver me from conversation wheels. Just for a bit. Throw me into the comforting bosom of gaming entertainment excess.

And in relation to this excess, this week Naughty Dog revealed the villainess  behind Nathan Drake’s woes. Meet Katherine Marlowe. She’s a bit of a hottie for an older women, isn’t she? She’s voiced by Elizabeth Hurley, but she gets me tingling like Helen Mirren. Some cavernous old cleavage and wields power to boot. Is it November 1, yet?

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#3: Microsoft Sells A Shitload of Kinects; Gets Punked.
It was an up and down week for our buddy Billy Gates’ company. Though I have to say their good news far outweighs the little bit of hacking righteousness that they were subjected to. You see, when you can lay claim to having the fastest selling electronic device ever, I’m sure everything glows.

This week it was announced that the Microsoft Kinect has sold ten million units. As well, Microsoft has moved ten million Kinect games. Wrap that shit around your brain-piece for a second. Since its release on November 4, 2010 it has averaged 133,333 units sold a day. Fastest device ever. More than your Apple iPhone, iPad, iMac, iThing, iMinimalist Swag.

However, it wasn’t all fucking roses for Microsoft this week! No sir. Hackers cracked the  algorithm that generated the seemingly random numbers on the back of MS Points cards. You know, those cards you buy so you can spend the equivalent of $5 on a lightsaber for your avatar. Or so you can download that fucking shitty Dead Space 2 DLC (not that I’m bitter).

Being the benevolent hackers that they were, they used this algorithm to generate over 1 million dollars worth of points. Fantastic! It was short-lived as Microsoft said they killed all those points generated, but still, man! Lock that shit down, Microsoft! I paid good fucking money for my Mass Effect M7 t-shirt for my avatar. No fucking freebies!

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The bandwidth piping of the internet wails with electronic wizardy! Information runs about and overwhelms the average purveyor. Hush child, it’s okay. You have me and this fine column right here. Press Start!, the halls of which are populated with the five things in gaming that caught my eye this week. It’s going to be okay, latch onto my teat and I shall feed you all the divine nectar of polygonal prowess you need to ingest. Watch the nipple hairs though, I ain’t getting any younger.

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#1: Dude Huge Proclaims ‘Middle Class’ Games Dead.
Cliff Bleszinski, otherwise known as Dude Huge at his panel at GDC dropped what some could construe as a controversial comment. Duder went on record as saying that the ‘middle class’ game is dead. With rising development costs, the middle class has been grounded out of existence. Stop me when this sounds familiar? According to Bleszinski:

I’m going to go on the record and say that I believe the middle class game is dead.

We have a cautious consumer. People are still smarting from the recession. People don’t go to Target anymore and spend $200 randomly.

If you’re on forums and you see terms like ‘day one rental’ or ‘campaign rental’ — pack it in because your game is not going to sell.

Huge catches a lot of guff for the same shit he catches a lot of adulation for. His games are populated with absurd facsimiles of men. Hulking boner-driven organisms that are reflective of the average dude’s total wet dream. But Dude seems more than well aware of the environment he helps create, describing the characters of Gears of War as guys who “are so big and ‘Grrrr!’–almost careicatures of men”. With this in mind it should be no surprise than that he can take a longer look at the industry as a whole, and I’m inclined to agree with his assessment to an extent.

Where do you guys fall?

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#2: Charlie Sheen Meets Animal Crossing.
The Charlie Sheen juggernaut could not have avoided the video game world. It is impossible. The cultural blight is smashing down all boundaries. The festering ass sore that is infected to the point of oozing all over our Collective Unconscious shall dominate every medium! Every venue! By next week we’ll be on to the next one, but for now, it’s all Charlie. All the time.

In the video game world, we have Charlie Sheen Crossing. A mash-up of screens from Animal Crossing and the nuggets of Charlie Sheen greatness that we’re gleefully ingesting as part of our relentlessly diet of panem et circenses. Hey man, don’t blame me. I’m merely a product of my culture, and that’s video games and worshiping crackhead women-hitting pieces of shit.

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#3: Yu Suzuki Teases Shenmue 3 Again; Fanboys Cum.
Let me blow your fucking mind. I thought Shenmue was complete and utter asshole, and I couldn’t be bothered to try out the second one. I know it’s something approximating heresy around certain gaming circles, but those titles just weren’t for me. However, there’s a good collection of people out there who go absolutely fucking bananas for the franchise. They must have been totally stoked this week when Yu Suzuki once again teased the possibility of there being a third Shenmue. Speaking at GDC, Suzuki stated “I think Sega will let me make it.”

There you go.

That was enough to send all the gaming sites into a fervor, breathlessly recounting those eight words. Even though they were caged and he admitted that nothing was definite. Even without liking the franchise, I find the fanaticism surrounding it to be interesting as fuck. So despite not really wanting to play any of the titles, the idea that this long-lusted after third title could actually see the world outside of Suzuki’s head is pretty fucking interesting.

Swag.

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Ohhhhhhhhh shit! Cue the creepy Danny Elfman music and hide your kids! I’m on the prowl and I hungers for polygons, force feedback, and orifices! This is Press Start!, the column where I spit about five things that happened in gaming this week.  It’s late, the caffeine whispers lacquered promises of  mellifluous  nonsense, and I got an achin’ to elaborate.

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#1: Dude Huge Loves Musicals.
Cliff Bleszinsk is the mind behind Unreal, Gears of War, and he played a hand in Bulletstorm which was released this week. Dude Huge, as us legions of internet unwashed masses call him, is not one for subtlety. In fact, if I had to describe the genre he has helped conjure up from the miasma of gaming madness, it would be “Super Violent Permaboner Cockexplosion Death. Core.” I love his games, but fuck if they’re not ever fourteen year-old male’s screaming erection fantasies born in code. Enormous weapons? Word. Giant muscles? Check. Odd homosocial gatherings that would give Freud fuel for a new fucking  dissertation? Oh hell yeah.  Which is why I find the news that he likes musicals to be fucking awesome.

Joystiq quoted an article in which he dropped:

I can enjoy a twisted, strange movie like [Funny Games] but also be like, “Sweet! Chicago’s on Blu-ray now! Let’s go see The Lion King on Broadway! Oh my God, I love Wicked!” … There’s this weird dichotomy going on with my tastes. I think it’s important to enjoy all spectrums of entertainment that way.

Joking aside, I think he’s got the correct idea. Anyone who follows him on Twitter or the scene knows that he’s a rather sensible dude, even if his developmental proclivities leads him to embrace his inner adolescent. I take solace in knowing that it’s okay that I love Gears of War, but goddamn if I wasn’t heated over last season’s Project Runway winner. If Dude Huge can be complicated, conflicted, but still love his cock, so can I.

Right?

Party on.

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#2: Trailer For A Street Fighter Documentary Hits All The Right Beats.
FOCUS is a documentary coming out this spring by director Steve Hwang. The doc centers around a summer in the life of professional Street Fighter player Mike Ross. The trailer itself is expertly cut, and it sucked me into Ross’ life immediately. It hits all the beats, selling you on his life, his aspirations, and sprinkles in some personal turmoil to get the empathic strings a-buzzin’. I’m a sucker for plenty of things in my life, but none so much as I am a sucker for video games, and a heroic narrative.

Throw them together and you’re going to get me eating out of your hand. This shit is going to be like The Wizard! Maybe? Yeah!

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#3: Legend of Zelda Turns 25.
In other news, I’m feeling old as fuck. This week, Legend of Zelda turned 25, and all of a sudden I’m like how is that possible, why, that’d make me….28? Followed by me puking all over myself. My girlfriend rushing into the room, wondering why the manchild she’s dating is puking all over himself wearing only Mario boxers with a gold cartridge sticking out the ass of them. Truth man, that shit can hurt.

For a good portion of my generation, Legend of Zelda was formative on something only slightly above a genetic level. The caverns, the torches, the fucking endless forests. Everything that was born out of this original game has contributed to my existence in ways that are far from healthy. The happy news is that I’m not alone. Since the original title, the franchise has moved more than fifty-nine million fucking copies. That’s like, a zillion and a half rupees or some shit. Nintendo is definitely polishing their Master Sword to that. More esoteric references! Phallus objects!

What was I saying?

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