Press Start!: Threesomes With Donkey Kong, Oh Yeah.
Ohhhhhhhhh shit! Cue the creepy Danny Elfman music and hide your kids! I’m on the prowl and I hungers for polygons, force feedback, and orifices! This is Press Start!, the column where I spit about five things that happened in gaming this week. It’s late, the caffeine whispers lacquered promises of mellifluous nonsense, and I got an achin’ to elaborate.
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#1: Dude Huge Loves Musicals.
Cliff Bleszinsk is the mind behind Unreal, Gears of War, and he played a hand in Bulletstorm which was released this week. Dude Huge, as us legions of internet unwashed masses call him, is not one for subtlety. In fact, if I had to describe the genre he has helped conjure up from the miasma of gaming madness, it would be “Super Violent Permaboner Cockexplosion Death. Core.” I love his games, but fuck if they’re not ever fourteen year-old male’s screaming erection fantasies born in code. Enormous weapons? Word. Giant muscles? Check. Odd homosocial gatherings that would give Freud fuel for a new fucking dissertation? Oh hell yeah. Which is why I find the news that he likes musicals to be fucking awesome.
Joystiq quoted an article in which he dropped:
I can enjoy a twisted, strange movie like [Funny Games] but also be like, “Sweet! Chicago’s on Blu-ray now! Let’s go see The Lion King on Broadway! Oh my God, I love Wicked!” … There’s this weird dichotomy going on with my tastes. I think it’s important to enjoy all spectrums of entertainment that way.
Joking aside, I think he’s got the correct idea. Anyone who follows him on Twitter or the scene knows that he’s a rather sensible dude, even if his developmental proclivities leads him to embrace his inner adolescent. I take solace in knowing that it’s okay that I love Gears of War, but goddamn if I wasn’t heated over last season’s Project Runway winner. If Dude Huge can be complicated, conflicted, but still love his cock, so can I.
Right?
Party on.
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#2: Trailer For A Street Fighter Documentary Hits All The Right Beats.
FOCUS is a documentary coming out this spring by director Steve Hwang. The doc centers around a summer in the life of professional Street Fighter player Mike Ross. The trailer itself is expertly cut, and it sucked me into Ross’ life immediately. It hits all the beats, selling you on his life, his aspirations, and sprinkles in some personal turmoil to get the empathic strings a-buzzin’. I’m a sucker for plenty of things in my life, but none so much as I am a sucker for video games, and a heroic narrative.
Throw them together and you’re going to get me eating out of your hand. This shit is going to be like The Wizard! Maybe? Yeah!
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#3: Legend of Zelda Turns 25.
In other news, I’m feeling old as fuck. This week, Legend of Zelda turned 25, and all of a sudden I’m like how is that possible, why, that’d make me….28? Followed by me puking all over myself. My girlfriend rushing into the room, wondering why the manchild she’s dating is puking all over himself wearing only Mario boxers with a gold cartridge sticking out the ass of them. Truth man, that shit can hurt.
For a good portion of my generation, Legend of Zelda was formative on something only slightly above a genetic level. The caverns, the torches, the fucking endless forests. Everything that was born out of this original game has contributed to my existence in ways that are far from healthy. The happy news is that I’m not alone. Since the original title, the franchise has moved more than fifty-nine million fucking copies. That’s like, a zillion and a half rupees or some shit. Nintendo is definitely polishing their Master Sword to that. More esoteric references! Phallus objects!
What was I saying?
#4: Billy Mitchell Opens ‘King of Kong’ Arcade.
In a column spotlighting the documentary FOCUS, it only seems fitting to trot out some Billy Mitchell news. Mike Ross would be so lucky to have an adversary birthed out of narrative like Steve Wiebe got Billy Mitchell in their documentary King of Kong. There’s no doubt that Mitchell comes off like an asshole in the movie. Some people have rallied to his defense, citing narrative selectivity, and I nod my head yes. But I don’t care, I like the narrative.
Whateverthefuckthecase, he clearly doesn’t hate the flick that much. Motherfucker high-fives capitalism as he opens up an arcade whose entire theme is the movie that had such a nefarious depiction of him. You can find this gorgeous son of a bitch at the Orlando International Airport, but don’t go looking for a Donkey Kong machine. The fucking arcade doesn’t have one.
No man wants to be bested in his own home.
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#5: Ubisoft Unveils Swingers Gamer For Wii and PS3.
This was a good week for the intermarriage of video gaming and fucking. There was the one daring young lad who chose Marvel Vs Capcom 3 over a threesome. Then there was the bowling game controlled by french kissing. But nothing, nothing, nothing comes close to the ludicrous game coming out from Ubisoft. Titled “We Dare”, it’s a thinly veiled attempt at using the Nintendo Wii and PS3 to incite awkward, old-people fucking. In other words, fuck yeah!, to the old people fucking.
What exactly does this game entail? They’ll tell you!
“Use the Wii-mote and PS3 Move controller in unbelievable ways, as you’ve never imagined before…”
“You can also use your Wii Balance Board for additional gameplay based on pure body mass… Perhaps shedding some clothes will even the playing field…it’ll definitely make the party more interesting!
“Act out saucy suggestions that you hear through the Wii-mote speakers”’
Oh shit! It’s on. There’s over 40 “fun and flirtatious” games, and you can choose the mood of the party, from “enchanting” to “naughty”. Where is the real shit, though? I want to select the tone of the party to be “Nearly Tribal Guttural Holes Exploration!”, or maybe toggle over to “Mindwarping Drug Haze Filled With Activities That Will Lead To Aborting Your Neighbor’s Spawn!”
Now that’s the real deal.
Still though.
The future, it’s awesome.