Ah, 2021. Sometimes your fucking headlines are depressingly preposterous. Sometimes preposterously depressing. Then sometimes like today, they’re just sort of fucking preposterous. We got some motherfucker(s) building a privately owned space station. I can’t knock their desire to get the fuck outta here, but I do want them to take me.
NASA’s Mars Rover may on site of Ancient Pond, not huge lake as previously thought. Water is water is water, bro.
Okay, I know that water is not water is not water. Like, there’s a strong difference between a fucking ancient pond and a huge lake. But, either way, I’m fucking stoked for what the NASA Mars Rover is studying. And besides, this is just one new theory about what the fuck happened in the Gale crater. We still don’t fucking know! The cosmos, man.
Astronomers have found two red objects in our Asteroid belt. Big fucking deal, right? Actually, big fucking deal! Them fuckers shouldn’t be there, and they may actually explain our early system. You two red objects! You helpful fuckers!
Even after his death, Berty Einstein’s presence is felt. Astronomers have detected light coming from behind a black hole for a first time, confirming another of dude’s predictions. Rock and roll, Albert! Rock and roll.
Hubble is doing us all a solid, finding some fucking water vapor on Jupiter’s moon. Cause lord knows, there ain’t enough here on Earth right now. You know, given all the fucking droughts. Given the fact that I can’t fucking breath outside here on the East Coast because the West Coast is on fire. Okay, fine. A tenuous connection to this dope news, but cut me some slack. My air is poison.
Scientists launching fucking football stadium-sized helium balloon to measure Dark Matter. That’s what’s up!
Where there’s a desire to study dark fucking matter, there’s a way! Need a better look at the Cosmos? Just launch a fucking helium balloon into space! Meet the goddamn SuperBIT!
Jupiter just don’t fucking quit with this shit. Throwing around its thiccc fucking ass, officially gaining yet another new moon. Fucking chill, baby!
When I burp, my wife vomits and the cats leave the room. When microbes on Mars burp, everyone jizzes in their pants. Like, I get it. But also show me some charity. My digestive track is just a collection of cheese and caffeine.
Are the methane plumes on Saturn’s moon Enceladus indicative of alien life? Maybe! And that’s enough to get my tits stiffening. Am I overreacting? Sure, maybe. Who knows. But. Listen, I’m fucking in on all potential signs of alien life. Microbes, methane plumes, whatever the fuck.
NASA scientists have identified more subsurface lakes on the Red Planet, folks. While they are likely frozen, I still find this to be a bad ass development.