So, I’ve finally done it. Almost devoid of ideas and convinced that the ones I do have are far too pretentious, I find myself writing a ‘What Are You Playing?’ column. Lynch me now if this sort of thing offends you, or feel free to funnel praise up my willing arsehole if you dig it. I might find myself at the bottom of this particular barrel on more occasions than I’d like.

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So, about that new XBOX.

Only a week ago, Microsoft managed to enrage what seemed like the entire gaming sector of the internet with the announcement of the XBOX One. Now, for the non-gamers out there, the window-shopper if you will (otherwise why the fuck would you be reading this?) I should inform you that gamers, on the whole, are a fairly irrational bunch. Whereas most consumers can happily walk away from a product that just isn’t right for them, gamers – as part of their perpetual, existential quest – will desperately search for logic and some sort of conclusion as to why they shall not be purchasing the next new console. If anything, it’s almost as if we’re struggling to comprehend the idea that we’ve been told we can’t have the XBOX One: its list of baffling, anti-consumer ‘features’ being part of an effort to politely tell us to fuck off.

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Are you lowly spunk-dwelling peons even ready for this shit? I highly doubt it, so I’m recommending that you brace yourselves, for you see, the next-generation XBOX reveal is almost upon us and, due to my illustrious industry connections, I have some exclusive news nuggets that are so exclusive –  you’ll find yourself questioning their validity.

Are you braced?

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A lifetime playing video games hasn’t just taught me that I’m a fat, slovenly dork who prefers his own company and staying indoors. Far from it: games have allowed me to come to all sort of bizarre, self-therapy conclusions. See for yourself.

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Somewhere out there, unbelievable as it may be: someone is surprised that Dead Space 3 wasn’t a resounding success. Whoever that may be clearly doesn’t see the issue with watering down a great horror game so much that it becomes a tepid co-op shooter with faux-RPG elements. In fact, if you think of all the meetings and work hours this game went through in order to get made, it’s startling to think that nobody suggested how fucking awful an idea the game was. In actuality, they probably did, but they then met with some sort of comedic ejection procedure (my money is on tossed from a first storey window by two burly security guards).

Thank Dead Space 3 for fucking up horror gaming for the rest of us: no doubt convincing investors that the genre is a lame duck. Next, thank Bethesda for being confident enough to get Shinji Mikami making a proper horror game. Dreams can come true.

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Week in, week out, I find that I give fewer and fewer fucks about my greatest love: video games. Something about the world has changed recently: perhaps it’s a winding down as the console generation nears to a close, or maybe the industry has just plain run out of ideas. Whichever the case may be, I can’t help but wonder why anybody other than dedicated, pathetic losers like myself would be inclined to care. Abruptly, he slaps himself across the face with a force that ejects two fillings and a week’s worth of shitty debris that previously resided underneath his grubby fingernails. God-fucking-dammit, man! This is your one-true, your reason d’etre! C’mon, surely I can muster up a handful of halfway adequate reasons to deter any other would-be quitters. Here goes.

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Without question, Bioshock Infinite has proven itself as incredibly troubling to the novice reviewer (played by myself). It’s not that the game is overwhelmingly challenging, or so perfect that I find it difficult to find fault and give a balanced account, but more that every element has been considered and given such attention: making just about everything worthy of mentioning. It’s an overwhelming game to process, but I’m going to try for you, though, because I fucking adore you. Seriously, you don’t even know.

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You know what sucks? Devices that aren’t perpetually connected to the Internet. And do you know who sucks? That’s right, the kind of pricks that don’t have flawless connections and maybe even live in rural areas. I mean, seriously, where the fuck do those guys get off? This, ladies and gentlemen, is the future of video game customer relations, courtesy of Microsoft. Prepare your anus, and start saving for that PS4, because Microsoft are so unbelievably cool that they don’t even want your business. Yeah, #dealwithit.

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It’s after this holiest of holy weekends that I like to give thanks to the lord baby Jesus for giving us the gift of video games, for introducing the concept of extra lives and, most importantly, dying for our sins so that we are all able to wallow in our own filth whilst we gaze into the screen for an entire weekend, shoveling poultry and confectionery down our unrelenting gullets.

Thank you, Jesus.

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The world of video games is an industry powered by the inane grins of fuckwitts flailing to Just Dance and the sweaty wank-palms of teens prestiging for the nineteenth time on Black Ops II. Occasionally though, this fecal assembly line spews out the odd gem, inspires the odd moment of creativity and even showcases some of the most inventive minds working today. I guess, on the whole, it isn’t quite so bad. Perhaps I should put my cynicism aside. “What’s that? Assassin’s Creed with pirates? You mean the only decent mechanic in the entire of Ass Creed III was simply to test the market for the next title?” Excuse me whilst I wretch over the starboard bow. No wonder I’m so cynical. Before I hurt someone, here’s a round-up of the less-shit things that happened in gaming this week.

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