#Caffeine Powered

Rumor: Ewan McGregor has signed on for Obi-Wan Kenobi series on Disney+! Totally seriously this time, okay?

rumor ewan mcgregor disney obi wan

Ever since Disney bought Star Wars, one thing has been seemingly clamored for by everyone. That one thing? Some sort of return to Obi-Wan for Ewan McGregor. And, it seems like it’s finally happening. Finally! Sure.

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Amazon says its facial recognition systems can now detect fear. What a fantastic development for the police state!

amazon facial recognition fear

Amazon’s facial recognition systems can now detect fear! Hey! Wee! I can’t possibly imagine this shit being used for ill. I mean, right? *Infinitely sarcastic wink*

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Astronomers have detected eight new potential alien signals. Listen, just let me be excited!

astronomers eight new alien signals

Astronomers have detected eight new potential alien signals. Oh fuck yeah! Listen. I know there is a rush to point out that this shit is probably not aliens. That said, let me pretend it is? For a little?

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New ‘Saints Row’ game is “deep in development” and I’m so ready to be meta-textual, ultra-violent trash again!

A new Saints Row game is deep in development? Oh happy days! Oh, happy days. Honestly, I never expected to play another installment. But here we fucking are!

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Monday Morning Commute: Zen and the Art of Yeehaw Skyrim!

monday morning commute zen and the art of yeehaw skyrim

Eat gator! Jerk off in the woods!  Sweat too much, smell too awfully. Enjoy nature! Curse how it makes your balls smell. Am I talking about my trip to Denver last month? Or am I talking about Red Dead Redemption 2? Why not both, you son of a bitch! Yadda yadda, blah blah. How the fuck are you folks doing? Me? I’m doing a-okay. Sleep late, masturbate. Two of the pillars of my current summer vacation. Life ain’t bad.

I mean, if you can ignore the Arctic melting, and the rise of fascism. But, I have faith you can. Us rot-mouth flesh-bellies have tremendous power to deny forthcoming doom. I imagine that prowess stems from our incessant need to deny our own mortality, and works its way into shuttering our eyes at the very-not-good situation on this planet.

Anyways! Holy fuck, what’s up? Glaze your tits, gaze your eyes, and join me here at Monday Morning Commute.

The impending mortality? The horrors of modern culture?

Why, gloss them over with some distractions. And, share your particular distractions this week!

I’ll go first, fellow meat-bags.

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WordPress is buying Tumblr. They better leave my outlet for booty alone, I beg them!

I spend roughly 85% of my waking life staring at butts on Tumblr. Actually, that may be a conservative estimate. Anyways, WordPress is buying my favorite platform. And if I could say anything to them? Yeah, fine, don’t bring back the porn. But, leave my booty-watching alone.

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Nintendo seems to be bringing an SNES Switch controller according to an FCC filing. Hell yeah, that old school feel!

nintendo snes switch controller

Playing local co-op on the Switch is fucking fun, dudes. However, it’s not as fucking fun as it could be, because the Joy-Cons are so fucking tiny. But there seems to be a solution coming down the line. Fine, another solution. I know you’re going to tell me the Pro Controller exists. This solution? A fucking SNES controller!

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Nathan Fielder has signed an HBO deal and got a new comedy pilot in the works. Good goddamn, this is fantastic!

nathan fielder hbo deal

Nathan For You is some of the most fantastic shit in recent memory, and I’ve been jonesing for Nathan Fielder to give us a follow-up since it ended. So, fuck dude, this rules.

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Atomik Grain Spirit is vodka made from grains taken from Chernobyl’s Exclusion Zone. ‘Fallout’ fans, pop your boners!

atomik grain spirit chernobyl

I feel as though it’s particularly Fallout to take a rip of this shit. This shit? Atomik Grain Spirit, a vodka made from grains taken from Chernobyl’s Exclusion Zone.

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Milky Way Galaxy’s supermassive black hole got 75 times brighter for two-hours and we got no goddamn clue why

milky way galaxy brighter

Recently, our Milky Way Galaxy’s supermassive black hole shone brighter than a motherfucker for two-hours. And, the reason for it? We got no idea. Which is half of the awesomeness.

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