#January2011
Natalie Portman Is Topless; Smells Great
Natalie Portman is pregnant and engaged to some choreographer. But before she transforms into a fat housewife she was nice enough to pose topless for this Miss Dior perfume ad. Consider this the final testament of how awesome she used to be. I guess Harvard doesn’t teach you that kids ruin everything.
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CAGE MATCH: The Week in Nic Cage
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CAGE! Yes, the world’s greatest actor turned 47 last Friday, which also happened to be Season of the Witch‘s opening day. Cage had this to say about the combination birthday/premiere:
“I’ve never had a movie open on my birthday before. We’ll see what the movie gods wanna do about it.” (via)
Well *ahem* the movie gods must have been sleeping because SotW got shit reviews (including from me). January is always a dismal month for movies. It’s when studios infamously dump out the leftover projects after awards season is over. But I have a very good feeling about next month’s Drive Angry. VERY good.
So besides bumming on SotW, it’s an exciting week at Cage Match. Yesterday I posted a video on YouTube that was currently unavailable. It’s some rare shit and Devin at BadAss Digest first posted yesterday. I hope you all get a kick out of it. I did. We also get the dish on why Michel Gondry is a moron and a chance to revisit Christoper Coppola’s classic Deadfall on Netflix. Let’s go!
Season of the Witch Is a Silly, Silly Movie; Inspires a Lousy Critic
The long awaited release of SotW came over the weekend. It made a noble $11 million but garnered truly abysmal reviews – including our very own. It currently has a 5% rating on Rotten Tomatoes and while cruising some of its bad press, I discovered a critic who may possibly be six-years-old. Seriously:
This is the puffy-faced Nic Cage. The one who fights for Christ and Little Debbies and not necessarily in that order. (Editor’s note – WTF does this mean?)
Before the opening credits roll, it’s clear that Season of the Witch should have been called Season of the Which Way out of this Theater?
“I wish I had that big red fist from Hellboy now,” said Perlman. ”But I left it up Guillermo del Toro’s ass.”
His entire “review” is made up of zingers like the ones above. You’ll laugh until it HURTS!
Forsooth! Here’s The Thor International Movie Poster. Asgard Porn.
Marvel Studios has dropped the international poster for the upcoming Thor. Whatever becomes of this movie, the idea of strapping Chris Hemsworth into some armor is nothing short of genius. I know this, because every time my girlfriend sees something from the movie, there are audible squeals of excitement from her.
And me.
Hit the jump for the poster.
Major Female Role In Batman 3 Revealed! Plus Shortlist of Actresses.
I’m goddamn tired of all the Batman 3/The Dark Knight Rises/Bruce Wayne Runs Like Hell rumors. Can we get some concrete fucking casting news? No? We have to rummage through rumors like pigs through shit? Okay, okay. Better than nothing.
Importantly, tonight we may have confirmation of the character of my wet dreams, Talia Al Ghul. Raise the roof!
DEFEAT. 016 – Bullseye Womp Rats
[DEFEAT. is Rendar Frankenstein’s truest attempt at fiction. Presented in weekly episodes, the novella tells the tale of Daryl Millar – a hero who dies at the intersection of pop culture, science-fiction, war epic, and fantasy]
Daryl Millar walked through the doors of the cafeteria, toting only his brown-bagged lunch and a growing sense of optimism. But then he saw his two best friends sitting on opposing benches of their table.
Black eyes.
Split lips.
The need for a call to arms.
Wesley Snipes Is Making A Video Game. From Jail.
Listen, the man who played Willie Mays Hayes will always have a pass in my book. Fucking classic. Not only that, but who hasn’t thought of Wesley Snipes as a visionary? I know I have. I also know you can’t keep a visionary down. Despite being in jail for tax evasion, Snipes is currently working on a video game. The game, which is called “Julius Styles: The International is being developed for iPhone and iPad, with an XBLA/PSN/Android release planned later. It’s based on the movie of the same name, which Snipes will be filming after his sentence is over in 2013.”
A Wesley Snipes led video game in development, which is then going to dovetail into a movie release after he’s free? I can’t think of any reason this isn’t going to blow our goddamn socks off.
Bulletstorm Disses Halo With Projectile Vomiting Diorama Video. Awesome.
Oh Bulletstorm. God I want this game. Their marketing campaign is fucking outstanding. There are the Bulletpoints bits they’ve been rolling out, and now there’s this. Remember those totally artsy Halo advertisements with the dioramas of the battlefield? Yeah, Bulletstorm and the gurus behind it take aim at those ads. With figurine projectile vomiting. It’s fucking amazing.
Hit the jump for the video.
Variant Covers: If You’re Reborn, Is There Reafter Birth?
Hello good souls, and welcome to Variant Covers. I am your pilot on this trip of stupidity. ‘Tis a trip where I tell you the comic books I’m excited and/or curious about that are coming out tomorrow. Your job, should you choose to partake, is to hit the comments box with your own pull list.
It’s my favorite game: show me yours and I’ll show you mine. The elementary school principal down the street isn’t too cool on it, but I hope you are.
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Thor: The Mighty Avenger #8.
This week sees the final issue of Roger Landridge and Chris Samnee’s Thor: The Mighty Avenger. The title has been felled by something that not even Mjöllnir can beat into submission: poor sales. The title is suffering an unjust fate, as yet another part of an inexplicable comic book market. One of the best, most heartwarming titles on the shelf is being served a Viking’s funeral while other dreck continues to march onward.
If you haven’t picked up this title, I fart in your general direction. Actually, that’s unfair. I miss countless good stuff dropping every month. Budget constraints, et cetera. Even the local comic book shop dude couldn’t believe it when I told him it was one of my favorite monthlies. Isn’t it a kid’s book?, he asked quizzically. Naw dude, not even.
At the root of it, its a growing-up tale. The story of a dude forced to leave home, and cut out his own place in the world. You can’t go home again, even if the road that leads back there is the Rainbow Bridge. The storyline is complimented by humor, romance, and gorgeous pencils and coloring. It’s a shame that the title is ending, but there’s always a chance the bitch is blasted with a scroll of resurrection somewhere down the line.
To Landridge, Samnee, and everyone who worked on the title: you boys rock. Please snag this final issue, and help the argument towards bringing the title back.
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Infinite Vacation #1.
This title was brought to my attention over at Robot 6 yesterday, and it sounds like something straight-up my nerd pipes. The comic, helmed by writer Nick Spencer (Morning Glories) and Christian Ward, takes the concept of augmented reality to the nth degree. Let’s blockquote the premise for great fucking justice!
Billed as a sci-fi love story, the book stars Mark, who lives in a world where alternate realities are up for sale, and buying and trading your way through unlimited variations of yourself is as commonplace as checking your email or updating your status. But then Mark’s other selves start dying.
Awesome! In a world where we’re constantly opting out of reality through a variety of apps; comic books (yup!), television, reality television and computer games where we don whatever identity we want, the premise is both sexily absurd and homegrown. I’m sold. I like my digital persona, I ignore reality while plowing through thousands of pages of fiction, and who the fuck wouldn’t want to escape into our own world? More than we already do.
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Steve Wiebe Loses Donkey Kong Record!…To A Plastic Surgeon?
And then there were three! Meet Hank Chien! The good sir was previously glossed over back in August, known as the “guy Billy Mitchell beat to reclaim the Donkey Kong score.” Apparently Chien isn’t messing around though, and he’s definitely fucking up my extended metaphors. If Steve Wiebe and Billy Mitchell are the video game world’s Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader, who the fuck is Chien?
Well, it doesn’t matter.
‘Cause the dude has taken the throne from the two of them.
Omega Sinema: The Baby
Directed by Twilight Zone veteran Ted Post and written by schlock scribe Abe Polsky, The Baby is a standout of ’70s unhinged depravity. I saw it for the first time last year through Cinemageddon, an obscure movie lover’s wet dream website. Last week, schlock film distributors extraordinaires Severin Films announced that they will be rereleasing The Baby. It was originally released on DVD in 2005. I’m not sure of the quality of that one, but judging from Severin’s treatment of Psychomania and Hardware, The Baby is going to get the primo-fucking release it deserves. Trust me when I say you’ve never seen anything like it.
It’s not gory or sexually explicit. It didn’t push the limits of the film censors. And, surprisingly, it’s not the film’s premise that shocks. The sight of a 30-year-old man dressed and acting like a baby seems to shock very little people – even in the film. For me, it’s the twist at the end that left me open-mouthed as well as the well-executed ingredients sprinkled over this exploitation romp.
