If you guys aren’t down with my fawning over Bulletstorm, shit is going to get  a bit bumpy around here. The lovefest continues with a second post today. Epic Games has released this absurd trailer, which is centered around Epic Games’ president Mike Capps in the shower. Riffing on the old Saturday Night Live skit “Deep Thoughts”, Capps wonders what goes through the head of someone he kicks off the side of a building.

Absurdity.

Hit the jump for the trailer, which is only the first of (hopefully) many Bulletpoints.

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You have to be a wondrous kind of retard to pull off this stunt. Some dude working at a Chinese factory (apparently) stole a Nintendo 3DS from the production line. Like true wondrous retards are wont to do, he decided to show the world of his egregious theft. There was a video of this by-now-dead-dickhead showing off the wares, but it has been understandably taken down by “user”. Or in other words, before he died, they forced him at blade point to delete it.

Curious as to what it showed? It showed “Super Mario 64 DS being added to the cartridge slot, it seems that the unit is unable to run any retail games, only booting a black screen with the SDK version and memory information (96  steaming hot megabytes of RAM, for those wondering).”

Thrilling!

Want more images of this douche shown off his stolen wares? Hit the jump.

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I was pretty certain that Bulletstorm was the video game equivalent of my soul mate. Now I’m fucking certain. The ESRB released their description of the game, and it is filled with all the wonders and horrors that could come out of my caffeine-soaked skull should I be conjuring my most whimsical desire. Take it away ESRB, you assholes!

During the course of the game, players can consume alcohol and kill enemies in order to receive an Intoxicated Skillshot; the screen turns blurry during these sequences. The dialogue contains numerous jokes and comments that reference sexual acts, venereal diseases, and having sex with one’s mother.

Alright, we’re already on our way to a juvenile fluid-fest of my most fervent nocturnal emissions. But it gets better. Take it away, puerile masters!

The names of some Skillshots are infused with sexual innuendo (e.g., Gag Reflex, Rear Entry, Drilldo, Mile High Club); one Skillshot (i.e., Fire in the Hole) allows players to shoot at enemies’ exposed buttocks.

It’s official. This game is offensive. Awesome. Juvenile. Awesome. Insane. Awesome. I can’t fucking wait.

Via.

Hacker GeoHot has done gone and released the soul of the PlayStation 3 to the public. According to Joystiq, Geo “says he has released the PS3’s METLDR root key to the public, which allows access to the PS3’s loaders, and reportedly could be used to allow any unsigned code to be run on the system.”

This shit already sounds diabolical, right? I wasn’t really sure what a root key was, and Joystiq made it sound pretty cool. But I figured there was someone who could break this shit down even further for me! And ideally you. Luke Plunkett over at Kotaku goes deeper into what this means for the PS3, elite hax0rz dudes, and you:

The root key is a signature of sorts, that lets the PS3 know that the program that’s about to run on the console is a legitimate piece of software. If it’s now out there, then once people start messing around with it, they’ll be able to whip up anything – be that custom software or pirated games – and trick the console into thinking it’s OK to load.

Crucially, because this key lies at the very heart of the PS3 hardware itself, it appears that if it has been cracked, it will be almost impossible to repair (even via firmware updates), as altering the existing key would run the risk of rendering all existing PS3 software inoperable.

Well then! That’s some heavy shit. I wonder if GeoHot realizes that a crack team of Sony ninjas are already on their way to his house, about to eliminate him from the face of this blue marble.

There’s no denying the fact that the holidays are over. It’s now officially time to clear the house of any reminders of merriment. Toss that tree out the window, decorations. Mop the floors clean of all the champagne and puke. Sober up, shave, and get back to work.

Shit. I hate this time of year.

Well, since we’re all getting back into the arduous grind that destroys souls and smears smiles, we might as well celebrate those wonderful bits of reprieve. This is the Monday Morning Commute and it’s the venue for sharing those activities we hope will keep us from going postal in the upcoming week. First I tell you what’s on the horizon for me, then you hit up the comments section and tell me what you’ll be doing.

Got it? Sick. Let’s do this.

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[Enlarge.]

Since I’m a life long geek, everything is filtered through Star Wars and video game metaphors. So when I saw this picture of a solar eclipse taken by the Mir space station in 1999, all I could think was the daunting shadow of the most famous planet obliterator. Earth about to go Alderaan!

When you’re an internet addict like myself, the end of the year is fucking stifling. Ain’t nothing going on! Everyone is off. Everyone is merry. But what is someone like me supposed to do? When I refresh the pages, there isn’t a magical assortment of news stories to digest and regurgitate? It’s confounding. Here’s some bullshit worth checking it to get you through the lull.

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….TO THE FUTURE!
“Screenshots, teasers and minuscule titbits are my bread and butter — I’m a man who enjoys the chase. The build-up is better than the act, so they say. Anyway, enough with this poorly masqueraded sexual innuendo, let’s get on with my most anticipated games of 2011.”

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The Bloglin’s Best of 2010: The Top 20 Movies
Over at Mishka, our own Cooper takes a look at the top twenty flicks of the year. Numerical ordering and debates a-go-go!

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Don’t send bugs to Mars
“A plan to send live microbes to the Red Planet’s largest moon risks wrecking our search for extraterrestrial life, argues Barry E. DiGregorio.”

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File under: shit I didn’t know. To be fair, that file is enormous. According to io9, around the time that McQuarrie was dropping the concept art for Star Wars that us geeks have jacked it to for years, he was designing some Trek concept sheezy too. The concept art is for a Trek movie that never got off the ground, Star Trek: Planet of the Titans. However flawed the scripts may have been, the artwork is fucking gorgeous. And familiar. Very familiar. There’s some super-Star Wars overtones running throughout, but that’s pretty win-win, no?

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