‘Guardians of the Galaxy’ getting team-up book. ‘Cause yeah.

gratuitous and dumb butt shot

We have crossed the SUPERHERO TEAM RUBICON. Proudly charging into OMEGA LEVELS of absurdity. Riffing on the insane popularity (understandably, you pig fucks) of the Guardians of the Galaxy, Marvel is teaming them up with others. YO DAWG I HEARD YOU LIKE TEAM-UPS WITH YOUR TEAMS.

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MILES MORALES joining ‘ALL-NEW X-MEN’ First, how? Second, awesome.

Miles Morales.

Miles Morales – my one and true Spider-Man – is somehow joining the All-New X-Men. Which answers the question, “What could finally get Caff-Pow to read All-New X-Men?” In truth, our own Johnny Hotsauce has finally shoved me onto the precipice of reading it anyways. But now, I’m diving off the ledge! I’m not particularly certain of the mechanics that’ll bring Morales to the proper Marvel Universe. I also don’t particularly care.

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Well then. Brian Michael Bendis and Michael Oeming’s original comic Powers is finally coming to flat screens around the world. It’s been talked about for ages, and well fuck my greasy knobs!, it’s coming. But here’s the interesting thing. The son of a bitch is coming courtesy of PlayStation. Yep.

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Fuck yeah! If the Ultimate universe lives, I’m glad this is the form its taking. Everyone and their dumb brother seems ruined by Galactus, leaving Miles Morales to pretty much run the fucking show. I love it. I love it!

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NEIL GAIMAN returning to Marvel, bringing ANGELA with him.

Neil Gaiman.

I didn’t see this one coming. I suppose that isn’t surprising, since I cannot see much through the womb of caffeine and masturbating that I exist within. Neil Gaiman is returning to Marvel, and the good man is bringing Angela with him. Yes, that Angela. The one he co-created with Todd McExpensiveBaseBalls way back in the day.

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Preview: ‘ALL-NEW X-MEN’ #1 artwork by Stuart Immonen. So hot.

I hate the fact that the only way I’m going to enjoy Jean Grey in my Marvel universe is through some wormhole time-bending bullshit. I do. However, I can’t stunt. I’m going to buy this, for Red. And for Stuart Immonen’s gorgeous artwork.

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Buy These F**king Comics! – August 8, 2012: Becky Cloonan, Godzilla, Jesus Christ, and Other Rock Stars.

Greetings, Earthlings and interdimensional lurkers. It’s Wednesday, and that can only mean one thing. Time for me to lumber down to the LCS, notice that they don’t have the two comic books I want, and flip a shelf. Scream loudly. Dive head first through the glass, trailing blood and tendon dangling from said shards. Scream at drivers as I run wildly through traffic, picking bits and beads of skin and  skull out of my Kingdom Come Superman t-shirt. Stumble into a ditch. Write this column telepathically, using the fading moments of my consciousness to commune with you folks.

Let us share, as darkness dawns on crumbling psyche, the comics we want to buy this week. Certainly, with shredded skin and violated visage, I’ll miss something you’re eager for. That is half the fun. Don’t know what’s coming out? Hit up Comic List.

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Buy These F**king Comics! – August 1, 2012: Hawkeye Is A Homewrecker

Welcome friends to the place for fans of the sequential art, thrice-engorged breasts, and monologuing. This here column is the watering hole where you can share the funny rags you’re snagging on a given week. The hole itself is Mountain Dew laced with hallucinogens, so right about the time all our faces become gaping maw anuses rocketing lasers into the night sky, begin screaming your choices while running into the wilderness.

You may notice that my choices are indubitably not yours, and that’s cool. Use it as an opportunity to recommend the hotness that no one else is mentioning, or perhaps has not heard of. If you don’t know what’s what titles are arriving this week, hit up Comic List.

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Marvel Announces ‘MARVEL NOW’ Bringing MASSIVE RELAUNCHES And I Quietly Weep.

Ugh. Jesus Christ. Now Marvel is relaunching everything ever, shaking up creators teams and daring to address everything save for good stories. Maybe these new titles will be good, maybe they won’t. However you know what dominates hype? Just fucking  quality storytelling. Just focus on it guys. Please. I’m begging you. The wave of hype will dissipate after we go “Wow! Relaunched bullshit that’ll devolve into status quo! This totally isn’t a response to the Blase 52!” and then things will return to functioning as a simmering churn factory for movie scripts.

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Buy These F**king Comics! – June 13, 2012: Peter Parker Pederast

Hey friends! It’s time. Time to make the comic book list. I am endeavoring to craft this list amid a steady stream of flu-powered sweat dribbling down my dapper dome. Wipe, wipe, wipe my brow and then I continue soldiering on. Though I may be sickened even as tomorrow falls, I’ll take respite in knowing that I shall be sweating my grimy paws over some new funny books. Consider this my shamanistic powwow. I will share the titles that I hope shall pull me through my delirium. You follow up this vision quest by dropping the titles that you have staked out this week.

Don’t know what’s dropping?  Hit up ComicList.

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