#Welcome To the Future

This will end well: DARPA wants to research “predatory” bacteria

DARPA or some shit

It’s a goddamn toss-up these days. A goddamn toss-up between what fucking manmade blight-contagion-robot-apocalypse-eco-disaster will wipe us out. ALL OF THEM — ALL OF THEM having been the centerpiece of a movie at one point. Don’t we heed the warnings Silver Screen?! No, we don’t. I mean Jesus Fucking Christ, DARPA. Predatory bacteria?

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Aiight: Oculus building its own VR motion controllers.

Oculus Rift.

I am not a smart man. So I didn’t really know if anyone else was stupefied by how Oculus and other VR Overlords were going to go about controlling their virtual realms. As a champion of teledildonics and shit, I was picturing some sort of fetishistic, haptic-feedback body suit. But I suppose motion controllers are cool too. (I guess.)

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Leaked: Samsung’s VR Headset design. Rockin’ that Virtual Boy vibe

Samsung VR

Samsung’s virtual reality headset design has hit the internet. Leaked right out the drooling maw of the NetterWebs’ guts. And man, is it Virtual Boy as fuck.

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FUTUREGASM: Dubai building world’s first climate-controlled neighborhood

the future

This is the fucking future I want. Or at least I think I want, gazing into my ceiling fan in the evening. Copy of Neuromancer resting on my belly. A vibrating Matrix-themed prostate massager doing its work in my love hole.

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Well Then: Amazon offers Hachette authors 100% cut of ebook sales

Amazon introduces currencies up in the house.

How is this for some Boardroom Maneuvering? Amazon and Hatchette have been beefing, and that’s left a lot of people opining that it’s the authors getting fucked. Now in what strikes this dumb-ass, completely business-unsavvy dude as a brilliant move, Amazon is offering Hatchette authors a 100% cut of their ebook sales.

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OCULUS Buys Design Team Behind Kinect and 360 Controller. Gotta buy em all!

Oculus Rift.

THE OCULUS JUGGERNAUT SHALL NOT BE BOWED BY MORTAL OR DEITY. The company is acquiring talent like a motherfucker, and now they’re starting to snag up companies. The VR Headset That Shall Be has acquired the team that designed the Xbox 360 controller and the original Kinect. Kinect can get fucked and all that, but I’ll be goddamned if I wasn’t madly in love with the 360’s pad.

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Amazon gets into cellphone game with ‘FIRE PHONE.’

fire phone or something

This Amazon Fire Phone is fucking wild, man. Offering up all sorts of things you probably never wanted in a phone. And unlimited storage for photos, which is actually something that sounds pretty neat. But the rest? I don’t know. An app that turns it into a hot plate for coffee? Eh. Toggle that increases the radiation so you can kill your own cysts? Meh. Do we really need these?

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Elon Musk and Tesla Motors have gone OPEN-SOURCE with their Electric Car Patents

good guy musk

It appears that while Elon Musk contemplates making a flying car, he’s letting everyone else get into the electric car game. Musk and Tesla Motors have “opened” the patents to their electronic car vehicle things “in good faith.” I don’t really know what “good faith” means, but if we aren’t somehow subverting these plans to make a plasma cannon from Fallout 3 we’re goofing up.

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Elon Musk is like “f**k it, maybe we’ll make a FLYING CAR.”

Elon Musk.

Elon Musk loves the sound of his own voice. I generally like the ideas that the sound of his voice produces. Drinking Space Vodka on Mars. The Hyperloop thing. Now flying cars. But like, does any of this shit ever come to pass? Ever?

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Oculus Rift-compatible CONTROL VR GLOVES let you get Johnny Mnemonical


Fuck yeah! How is a Console Cowboy supposed to surf the CyberScape without some gnarly VR gloves? And a body suit? Eh? Answer me that, Zuckerberg and Carmack! Ya Fucks! It’s totally killing the metaphor, man. Having to type and shit. Thankfully Control VR got our asses covered.

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