#Welcome To the Future

Netflix: We need to raise $1 Billion in debt for original content

smile!!!

Netflix is looking to cut itself out a hunky, chunky, delicious portion of debt pie. The company wants to take on $1 Billion in debt so it can give us a fourth season of House of Cards. On a real rocket. In fucking space.

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Microsoft reveals the HoloLens, their stab at an augmented reality headset

HoloLens

‘Cause everybody is down with a fucking virtual-reality-augmented-reality-altered-reality-something-reality headset of their own these days. Microsoft’s iteration is more holodeck than it is virtual reality. And like Oculus Rift and all the others it seems cool enough, yeah, okay, but I’m not dying to own one.

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Cracked Pirate Bay code says “I’ll Be Back.”

Pirate Bay

Uh. Not that I pirate. I simply would not! But if I were to pirate shitty albums and movies and stuff that didn’t deserve my hard earned bucks (or poorly efforted bucks) I would be excited about this.

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HAX the PLANET: Someone stole $5 million from a Bitcoin exchange

HACK THE PLANET. OR AT LEAST DOWNLOAD THRONES.

I want to totally shed the cumbersome boundaries of my currency’s corporeal form for Bitcoins. But then I read about some shit like this. Hax the planet, braj! Or at least hack all the fucking Bitcoin exchanges!

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Microsoft killing off Internet Explorer, replacing it with “Spartan.”

Spartan

Fuck Internet Explorer! Yeah! I ain’t used that since 1994, and that was just so I could download Netscape. And I been using that browser since! But man, maybe I’ll get back into the Microsoft browser game. Crazier things have happened. I thought I had sworn off snorting frozen Mountain Dew shards and…here we are. Gutted nostrils and crying loved ones. Whatever.

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1337: Hackers recreate German politician’s fingerprint from photos.

HACKTHEPLANET

And you all wonder why I’m always wearing my stretchy winter mittens. In the summer. In the winter. Sure they’re covered in crusty, withering flakes of my DNA. Sure my hands smell like eggs and mistakes. But at least them hackers won’t have my fucking fingerprints.

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Neal Stephenson joins augmented-reality company as “Chief Futurist.”

Neal Stephenson.

MAKE MINE SNOW CRASH, YA FUCKS! Neal Stephenson has joined an augmented-reality company as their fucking Chief Futurist. And it doesn’t lead to me hanging out in the Black Sun, it’s a colossal fucking disappointment.

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Google Glass returning in 2015 with Intel powerin’ its guts

Google Glass

Google Glass! You poor sack of shit! You were cool for like nine minutes! But then Oculus Rift rolled up and nabbed the attention you were garnering. Pulled down your pants, dismissively flicked your beans, and then stole your bae. But apparently you ain’t taking this laying-lying-laying down. No! You sure ain’t, and 2015 is going to be your year. With your buddy Intel helpin’ out.

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Amazon DOIN’ EVERYTHING: HOTEL SERVICE! AD-SUPPORTED STREAMING SERVICE.

HOGAN

HEY YOU KNOW WHAT AMAZON LIKES? FUCKING EVERYTHING. GOT ITS FINGERS IN LIKE INFINITY PIES. DRONES AND FUCK! DELIVERING MIKE AND IKES TO ME. NOW IT’S LIKE, FUCK IT. HOTELS. AD-SUPPORTED STREAMING. FUCK.

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Elon Musk is like “yep” to reports of a fleet of SpaceX satellites for cheap internet

good guy musk

Elon ‘STARK AIN’T GOT SHIT ON ME‘ Musk has confirmed what had been a sneaking suspicion by many. The motherfucker is getting into the micro-satellite, cheap internet game. Launch them satellites! Give them internets! Then watch in horror as the A.I. uprising that Musk himself warned about co-opts those satellites for info-processing and laser-guidance.

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