#Welcome To the Future

HAX the PLANET: Someone stole $5 million from a Bitcoin exchange

HACK THE PLANET. OR AT LEAST DOWNLOAD THRONES.

I want to totally shed the cumbersome boundaries of my currency’s corporeal form for Bitcoins. But then I read about some shit like this. Hax the planet, braj! Or at least hack all the fucking Bitcoin exchanges!

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Microsoft killing off Internet Explorer, replacing it with “Spartan.”

Spartan

Fuck Internet Explorer! Yeah! I ain’t used that since 1994, and that was just so I could download Netscape. And I been using that browser since! But man, maybe I’ll get back into the Microsoft browser game. Crazier things have happened. I thought I had sworn off snorting frozen Mountain Dew shards and…here we are. Gutted nostrils and crying loved ones. Whatever.

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1337: Hackers recreate German politician’s fingerprint from photos.

HACKTHEPLANET

And you all wonder why I’m always wearing my stretchy winter mittens. In the summer. In the winter. Sure they’re covered in crusty, withering flakes of my DNA. Sure my hands smell like eggs and mistakes. But at least them hackers won’t have my fucking fingerprints.

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Neal Stephenson joins augmented-reality company as “Chief Futurist.”

Neal Stephenson.

MAKE MINE SNOW CRASH, YA FUCKS! Neal Stephenson has joined an augmented-reality company as their fucking Chief Futurist. And it doesn’t lead to me hanging out in the Black Sun, it’s a colossal fucking disappointment.

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Google Glass returning in 2015 with Intel powerin’ its guts

Google Glass

Google Glass! You poor sack of shit! You were cool for like nine minutes! But then Oculus Rift rolled up and nabbed the attention you were garnering. Pulled down your pants, dismissively flicked your beans, and then stole your bae. But apparently you ain’t taking this laying-lying-laying down. No! You sure ain’t, and 2015 is going to be your year. With your buddy Intel helpin’ out.

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Amazon DOIN’ EVERYTHING: HOTEL SERVICE! AD-SUPPORTED STREAMING SERVICE.

HOGAN

HEY YOU KNOW WHAT AMAZON LIKES? FUCKING EVERYTHING. GOT ITS FINGERS IN LIKE INFINITY PIES. DRONES AND FUCK! DELIVERING MIKE AND IKES TO ME. NOW IT’S LIKE, FUCK IT. HOTELS. AD-SUPPORTED STREAMING. FUCK.

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Elon Musk is like “yep” to reports of a fleet of SpaceX satellites for cheap internet

good guy musk

Elon ‘STARK AIN’T GOT SHIT ON ME‘ Musk has confirmed what had been a sneaking suspicion by many. The motherfucker is getting into the micro-satellite, cheap internet game. Launch them satellites! Give them internets! Then watch in horror as the A.I. uprising that Musk himself warned about co-opts those satellites for info-processing and laser-guidance.

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Weekend Open Bar: liminalstates & permanent fixtures

ls!

The motherfuckin’ weekend! Raid the open bar! Stab a loved one and scream, “It’s just molecules! The Universe is pouring out of you, and it is lovely!” Or hug your Mom while cranking out a desperate, bowels-emptying fart. Murmuring into her ears, “You created this. Your egg is now this bowels-emptying pants-filling nightmare.” Or do something much more mundane!

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HBO launching standalone service. VALHALLA ARRIVES.

hbo go and shit

HBO is finally givin’ motherfuckers what they been clamoring for. Pleading for. Beating fists upon gravel and demanding. An internet-based HBO service that ain’t tied to a cable subscription.

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Oculus announces new VR prototype headset, Crescent Bay.

Crescent

The Rift goes on, and on, and on! Oculus has revealed their latest prototype headset, named Crescent Bay. This son of a bitch is the next step towards next year’s consumer release. Titled, “Fat People Wall-Screens.”

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