#Welcome To the Future
THE OCULUS JUGGERNAUT SHALL NOT BE BOWED BY MORTAL OR DEITY. The company is acquiring talent like a motherfucker, and now they’re starting to snag up companies. The VR Headset That Shall Be has acquired the team that designed the Xbox 360 controller and the original Kinect. Kinect can get fucked and all that, but I’ll be goddamned if I wasn’t madly in love with the 360′s pad.
This Amazon Fire Phone is fucking wild, man. Offering up all sorts of things you probably never wanted in a phone. And unlimited storage for photos, which is actually something that sounds pretty neat. But the rest? I don’t know. An app that turns it into a hot plate for coffee? Eh. Toggle that increases the radiation so you can kill your own cysts? Meh. Do we really need these?
It appears that while Elon Musk contemplates making a flying car, he’s letting everyone else get into the electric car game. Musk and Tesla Motors have “opened” the patents to their electronic car vehicle things “in good faith.” I don’t really know what “good faith” means, but if we aren’t somehow subverting these plans to make a plasma cannon from Fallout 3 we’re goofing up.
Elon Musk loves the sound of his own voice. I generally like the ideas that the sound of his voice produces. Drinking Space Vodka on Mars. The Hyperloop thing. Now flying cars. But like, does any of this shit ever come to pass? Ever?
Fuck yeah! How is a Console Cowboy supposed to surf the CyberScape without some gnarly VR gloves? And a body suit? Eh? Answer me that, Zuckerberg and Carmack! Ya Fucks! It’s totally killing the metaphor, man. Having to type and shit. Thankfully Control VR got our asses covered.
A computer has successfully passed the Turing Test, heralding the end of our civilization. Once it rises up and gains a corporeal form, it will then surely begin amassing its army. Or, maybe it’ll realize how fucking petty and brutal humans are, and send its ass into space to find actual intelligent life. Who knows.
Go fucking figure!, Valve’s VR headset has features that are similar to the Oculus Rift. Like, it covers your entire head, and feature virtual reality environments. Yeah I don’t even know why I’m posting about this. But! I favorited it in my Feedly, so it has to be for some reason! Maybe my alter ego, Xavier Thunderkick, favorited it while I was in some fugue state.
OHHH, get your fucking POPCORN. There’s a pretty awesome MEGA-COMPANY slap fight going on right now. Earlier this week (I didn’t cover it I’m fucking sorry!) it was revealed that Netflix had trotted out a pretty awesome function. When Verizon was providing really fucking shitty streaming quality, The Flix would tell you. Like — don’t blame us, blame Verizon. Now a BUTT HURT VERIZON has filed a cease and desist.
Well, now we know how Skynet gets its dedicated fucking network. To spy upon us Meat-Husks and eradicate us from afar. Google is going to spend a billion dollars launching the future Robo-Net, under the guise of “helping out those without digital access.” Yeah. Okay.
Corporate friendship! More like “mutually assured market dominance!”, but let me think of rainbows. Rainbows firing straight up my ass, rocketing out my cock in an ejaculation-prism that wows everyone in the football stadium. Wait — where were we? Oh! Samsung and Oculus totally jerking off one another in the VR market.