#Welcome To the Future
Fuck yeah! How is a Console Cowboy supposed to surf the CyberScape without some gnarly VR gloves? And a body suit? Eh? Answer me that, Zuckerberg and Carmack! Ya Fucks! It’s totally killing the metaphor, man. Having to type and shit. Thankfully Control VR got our asses covered.
A computer has successfully passed the Turing Test, heralding the end of our civilization. Once it rises up and gains a corporeal form, it will then surely begin amassing its army. Or, maybe it’ll realize how fucking petty and brutal humans are, and send its ass into space to find actual intelligent life. Who knows.
Go fucking figure!, Valve’s VR headset has features that are similar to the Oculus Rift. Like, it covers your entire head, and feature virtual reality environments. Yeah I don’t even know why I’m posting about this. But! I favorited it in my Feedly, so it has to be for some reason! Maybe my alter ego, Xavier Thunderkick, favorited it while I was in some fugue state.
OHHH, get your fucking POPCORN. There’s a pretty awesome MEGA-COMPANY slap fight going on right now. Earlier this week (I didn’t cover it I’m fucking sorry!) it was revealed that Netflix had trotted out a pretty awesome function. When Verizon was providing really fucking shitty streaming quality, The Flix would tell you. Like — don’t blame us, blame Verizon. Now a BUTT HURT VERIZON has filed a cease and desist.
Well, now we know how Skynet gets its dedicated fucking network. To spy upon us Meat-Husks and eradicate us from afar. Google is going to spend a billion dollars launching the future Robo-Net, under the guise of “helping out those without digital access.” Yeah. Okay.
Corporate friendship! More like “mutually assured market dominance!”, but let me think of rainbows. Rainbows firing straight up my ass, rocketing out my cock in an ejaculation-prism that wows everyone in the football stadium. Wait — where were we? Oh! Samsung and Oculus totally jerking off one another in the VR market.
Pretty fucking radical, shit! Usually DARPA seems dead set on bringing the robotic harbingers of the Apocalypse into the world. However their latest reveal is a tiny brain implant that would treat PTSD.
Do you know what you are if you’re a tech company, and you’re not working on a VR headset? A BIG FAT TURKEY, ASS-EATER. Now mind you I’m okay with a) turkeys and b) eating ass, but I’m just typing that the voices tell me I should type.
Mergers upon mergers upon mergers! AT&T+DirectTv. YouTube+Twitch. Comcast+TimeWarner. And now! Twitter+SoundCloud? Goddamn.
Chuck E. Cheese is getting on the fucking Oculus Rift wagon. But at this point, who the fuck isn’t? The company is going to use The Technology of the moment to create a virtual ticket blaster. Though for a kid’s place that amusement seems ill named.