How is Brazil beating the United States at what is so obviously our own game? The fuckers have created a wunder-disc, that upon heating up ends up smelling like a pepperoni pizza. ‘Cause…you know. You don’t want anything more during your viewing of Argo than to begin smelling burning sausage-nips inside your machinery.
I had no idea that this was a theory even in play, but apparently people have suspected for a while that those crazy kids at Jamestown ate each other. Ooph! Now there are some seriously trying conditions. Sound ludicrous? Not to me it doesn’t! And now there is some new info-finding-stuff to support this theory.
Necessity is the mother of invention, folks. So when you need to transport pounds upon pounds of weed, you’re going to need to come up with something. This dude stuffed a Pac-Man arcade machine with the stickiest of ickies before he was busted. Even though he was caught, I still commend the fuck out of him.
If there was one thing Durban hated, it was his bedside electronic crow.
Every morning, every goddamn morning, the metal-feathered automaton would leave its battery-perch, hover above the bed, and screech directly into Durban’s face. It didn’t matter to the faux-fowl whether Durban had a day off from the mineral farm or if he was dreaming of his ex-girlfriend from Jupiter or if he was in the midst of an ethanol-fueled fever dream. And this is why it was such an effective companion.
`Cause at 5:45 AM, the electronic crow was guaranteed to terror-scream Durban back into consciousness.
To be fair, Durban recognized the practical value of his name-brand, top-of-the line robot-rooster. After all, he wasn’t going to wake up and go to work completely of his own volition. And who could blame him? It takes a special sort of masochism to rise early enough to catch the first boneshaking Teleport-Shuttle of day to Rhea, the most bastardly of Saturn’s moons, only to spend the next eight hours scavenging for traces of Lupillian.
But without the bird, Durban wouldn’t get to Rhea on time. And if Durban didn’t get to Rhea on time, there’s no chance an operator would save him an excavator. And if Durban didn’t excavate Lupillian, he wouldn’t be able to pay his rent. And on most days, the thought of not paying his rent on time positively horrified him.
But on one fantastic Monday morning, Durban decided that his hatred of the crow was more palpable than his fear of landlord-ire.
5:45 AM crept into existence, and the crow came to life. Shaking itself off of its docking station, the bird began to flutter upwards. But Durban had awoken nearly a half-hour before, plagued by a crotch-burn no doubt gifted to him by the discount Prosti-Clone he’d rented on Ganymede. So with one eye open and a fire plaguing his urethra, Durban waited for his every-morning adversary to strike first.
“CAW! CAW! THE CURRENT TIME IS FIVE-FORTY-FIVE ANTE-MERIDIEM! CAW! CA-“
Whoosh! The whiskey bottle spiraled through the air! Smash! The crow simply hadn’t been programmed to anticipate such an attack, and as such its beak was decimated by the hard glass corner of the bottle’s ass. The bird spent its last few seconds writhing in robo-agony, head caved in and vital sparks bleeding into the air.
“Well, I guess ya still woke me up, eh?” Durban was crouching down to assess the damage. Seeing that the target was destroyed, he took a self-satisfied swig from the whiskey bottle and walked over to his much-littered coffee table. From the table, Durban snatched a stack of comic books.
“Fuck work. And fuck birds. Today, I’m drinkin’ and readin’ comics.”
Welcome to the Monday Morning Commute! As OL’s weekly gathering for entertainment show-and-tell, the MMC is digital nerd-discussion at its finest. Here’s how it works: I’m going to showcase some of the fun-stuffs I’ll be munching on throughout the week. Then, you hit up the comments section and show off the enjoyment-snacks you’ll be stuff into your own mind-gullet. In the process, we geek out and debate and talk all sorts of nonsense.
Let’s go for it!
Butcher Billy is back with his latest amalgamation. Homeboy has taken the drug-addled carcasses out of the Oozing Maw of Hollywood, and mixed them up with Gremlins. The result is a strange concoction of human-monster flesh, with most of the celebrities actually looking better than usual. Typically dope Butcher stuff.
Hit the jump to check them out.
Talk about covering yourself in slathered mounds of shit-powered embarassment. (What?) A Japanese city’s Twitter account tweeted that North Korea had launched a missile. Ooph! Not the kind of mistake you want to make.
The future is here, and it is good. One Game of Thrones cosplayer is seeking a Robb Stark cosplayer to quite literally have sex with on the Iron Throne. If this doesn’t make you believe we are allocating our species’ advancement appropriately, there is a good chance nothing will.
Hit the jump for the wonderful advertisement.
It seems that the Lord’s People have decided to weigh in on the more “recent” characterizations of Batman. Namely, they seemed to think the Flying Rodent has become a bitter son of a bitch. I’m sure I agree with them (go figure), and I especially don’t think it is a new development. All I do know is that I want to roll through those fuckers’ balling comics collection. The room for the pull-boxes must be enormous.
Fuck Taco Bell, these hackers were thinking outside of the box. A couple of fancy bros went house, stealing a ridiculous sum in Subway gift cards. Then they flipped those bastards on eBay for real world money. Fantastic.