And there will be BITCOIN FREEDOM FOR ALL CRYPTOCURRENCY FREEDOM FREEDOM DAMN THE MAN BORDERLESS DRUG BUYING. Except now it seems that 51% of Bitcoin mining is coming from one anonymous source. Who, if you know fucking anything about Life, is the Steve Jobs-led Illuminati on a terraformed Mars.
It’s summer, friends. That can only mean one thing. It’s time for people to shed their long-legged genital containers in lieu of something sexier. More airy. Let the wind-flow, to at least attempt to keep the uncomfortable grime from building up against their sex-parts. ‘Cause while you may have your fetish, I don’t like being tongue-deep in testiclelabial grime when I’m pleasin’ my mates across the Universes.
Some will wear skirts. Some will wear kilts. Some will wear shorts. All of those errant people are incorrect. There is only one path to true ultimate power. Only one path to true ultimate enlightenment. You see, wearing Jorts isn’t just about being comfortable. And sexy. Though it is about both. It’s about the very Fate of Our Universes.
The Big Eye in the Sky ain’t limited to spying on homeless dudes in the streets, our dongs in our houses, and the wild packs of Werewolves that dominate the suburbs on weekends. No ma’am! It’s also got its eye on the Mars Opportunity Rover, making sure it doesn’t discover the secret Illuminati base on Mars. Scary, right? But there’s a bonus! We get wild pictures like this.
The Mars Orbiter may have found remnants from the Soviet Union’s Mars 3 Lander. Pretty cool. What would be even cooler is if they’d reveal images from the top secret Illuminati Trilateral Commission base on the Red Planet. You know the one I’m talking about. The base that is run by Steve Jobs’ in his cloned body, with terra-forming labor being provided by disappeared teens. That’d be way cooler. Oh well, we will have to settle for “news” about this.
Using this map acquired through subterfuge (web browsing? WTF is that?), I intend on finding the top secret hideout of the Illuminati Trilateral Commission Group. You know, the one on the Moon where they plan all sorts of shit. Putting Prozac into our water. Convincing the mouthbreathers of the world that Big Bang Theory is funny. Canceling Rubicon. The truly nefarious acts. Once I find them, in a comfortable gravity pocket, then I begin building my rocket ship.
The Ruskies are sending “a probe” to the Moon in 2015. This can only mean one thing. The Illuminati are considering partnering up with Putin The Tiger Wrangler, in an effort to expedite the secret terraforming of Mars. They will meet him on the Moon to show him the secret launch base. It is obvious. Google it.
Google chairman Eric Schmidt (if that is his real name) is making a private trip to North Korea. This can mean only one (obvious) thing. The Illuminati are meeting up at a new base to discuss their global sterilization techniques via water fertilization, and they need to make sure the global search engine and Skynet progenitor is on board. Right? I can’t be misreading this thing, can I?
Goddamn Info Warriors! To arms! The Illuminati Police Fascist State writhes against us! Time is that we shall need to don mind-cloaks and rally against them. Know that you are not alone. One such Truth Bastion is refusing to wear an RFID tag at her high school, and now she is facing expulsion. To arms! To arms! Something!
Alex Jones is awesome. He’s the sort of crazy-asshole who mixes just enough reality into his deranged rantings to make his conspiracy theories entertaining. This one is particularly choice. Having “gotten an early script” of Prometheus, the dude claims that its actually about…the Illuminati. Well, I’m sold!
Hit the jump to check it out.