#May2020

Scientists find that saying “fuck” and other swears can decrease pain. THEN WHY AM I ETERNALLY TORMENTED?

scientists swearing reduce pain

So, get this fucking shit! Saying swears has been shown to “reduce your experience of pain, according to a new study by Keele University researchers.” Oh man! Gimme a fuck yeah! Seriously though, now I’m vindicated every time I stub my fucking toe!

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Scientists recreated the voice of a 3,000 year-old mummy. We just out here, fucking around, tempting fate.

scientists mummy voice

The future is fucking wild, my friends. I say it a lot. But, it is! I mean, recreating the voice of a goddamn 3,000 year-old mummy!

Hit the jump to check it out, and for more info!

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Scientists find evidence of second planet orbiting the star closest to the sun, Proxima Centauri. Wild, wild times.

scientists second planet closest star

Scientists have made a discovery, friends! They’re always up to that fucking shit. This particular discovery? That of a second exoplanet orbiting Proxima Centauri, the star closest to our own.

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Scientists have successfully bioprinted functional human “mini-livers” and the future is fucking wild!

scientists bioprinted human liver

Man, oh man. Ain’t the future bonkers? Scientists have successfully printed some motherfucking human mini-livers. And, they are capable of all performing all the functions of human livers. Such as? You know, “building proteins, storing vitamins and secreting bile” and shit. Amazing. Admittedly, there is still far, far to go from these organoids being actual livers. But, it’s a rad as fuck step.

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Engineer finds way to possibly pull diseases from blood using magnets. Just look at this fucking sentence!

engineer disease magnets

An engineer has found a potential way to pull diseases from blood using magnets. Listen, get out of my ass. I know this may never come to fruition. But, just the fact that it’s a possibility gets me horny for science.

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Scientists have found that some storms are so strong they shake the ocean floor. STORMQUAKES, my dudes!

stormquakes

Some storms? Them motherfuckers are so powerful that they shake the ocean floor. And, they have an equally bad ass name. Stormquakes! Hell yeah.

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DARPA badly needs underground complex by Friday for undisclosed experiment! What could possibly fucking go wrong?

darpa underground complex experiment

DARPA like, badly needs an underground complex by Friday! For an experiment! They’ve put out a literal public appeal, and hey! Why not help out? Let’s hasten along the apocalypse with a fun experiment.

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Quantum teleportation has been used to send 3D information for the first time! Do I know what the fuck this means? Nope! Am I torqued? Yup!

quantum teleportation 3d information

I got it out of the way in the headline, but I’ll reiterate. I don’t really know what the fuck this means, other than: it’s progress, and it’s got the words quantum and teleportation. Is that enough to excite me? You bet your glistening tits.

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Japan is offering $1 billion research grant for human augmentation and cyborg technology. The middle finger to mortality, comrades!

japan human augmentation cyborg

Japan is offering some serious cheese for human augmentation and cyborg research. Pretty awesome, no? Also, pretty bold of them that there’s a future for the planet that’s worth existing on, no?

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World’s first AI Universe simulator learning things it shouldn’t be able to. Well, ain’t that grand!

world first ai universe simulator

If I’m being honest, I’m ready for our AI overloads. We’re cooking the planet and wasting one another. Let it put us into comfortable cages (we’re already there!) and maybe solve climate change. Or, you know. The origins of the universe.

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