My sickness is growing. After seeing Iron Man 2 today, I came across this Double-Gulp cup at 7-Eleven. Yeah, I came across it. There’s a pun in there.

Scarlett Johansson tucked into form-fitting skirts and pleather for two hours almost broke me. She gives my erection an erection.

[Variant Covers is a column every Tuesday that breaks down the various titles coming out that week in the world where Eminem can rock out beside the Punisher. What the fuck?]

Superman: War of the Supermen #1

Super-shit is about to hit the super-fan this week. DC is kicking off its next extravaganza, War of the Supermen. It’s pretty simple, really. Superman is throwing down with a bunch of other Kryptonians. Lead, of course, by General Zod. I know that the general consensus is that Superman is a lame asshole, but I can’t help but dig on the dude.

When written well, I find him to be pretty intriguing. Unfortunately, that seems rare, no? But if you doubt me, yo, just check out Kingdom Come or All-Star Superman. If you don’t dig that shit, just pretend you do and we can continue being e-acquaintances.

I haven’t been following Superman lately, but I’m hoping back on the bandwagon with this shit. It’s a four-issue mini-series that takes place across one-hundred minutes. Hopefully all the Superdouches flying around can literally beat the mediocrity out of the Superman-universe.

If you can’t make something epic out of a thousand-zillion Supermen beating the living shit out of one another, you’re probably failing at everything around you.

Just saying.

The four-issue miniseries is a weekly ordeal, which is a great way to get stank-asses into comic shops for a solid month. However, DC ain’t stopping there, yo! This week they’re rolling out Brightest Day #1. This shit is the latest weekly/bi-weekly title that DC has decided to trot out. Am I buying this shit? Absolutely not.

I would be game, if I thought it was going to be anything other than mediocre at best. A question to the members of the Cult that come across this den of iniquity. Have you enjoyed any of the following: 1) 52, 2) Countdown, or 3) Trinity? It’s an honest question. I haven’t run into anybody who has actually enjoyed them. So buying a weekly or bi-weekly comic book just for the sake of saying you did seems insane.

Eminem: The Punisher Kill You Promotional Comic #1 (of 2)

Uh…What the fuck is going on here?

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[via cbr]

Marvel dropped the first picture from the Thor movie today. And you know what? I am fucking loving it. Dude looks bad ass. I’ll wield his hammer! Hahahaha. I AM MIGHTY ENOUGH F U.

[Variant Covers is a column every Tuesday that breaks down the various titles coming out that week in the world where Tony Stark is a sexy alcoholic. Most just puke on themselves.]

Iron Man #25

Wait a second! Tony Stark, who has been drooling all over himself in a hospital bed, is all of a sudden returned to full capacity? A week before the premiere of the movie. That’s a weird coincidence. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence. The dude has been crapping his linens for six months and now he’s rocking out in a sexy new Iron Man suit? Seems convenient. Hmm. Snark for Stark aside, I’m pretty jazzed for this comic book. It’s been well-documented and groaned over that my man-clit is seriously engorged over a) Tony Stark and b) Matt Fraction for a while. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m a broken record, I know.

That said, this shit is consistently one of my favorite comic books. Even if you don’t want to ejaculate over Black Widow’s leather, and even if you don’t care for RDJ and the movie franchise, I’d still recommend this shit. This is a jumping point for everyone (again how convenient), but in case you missed it: Stark had a shitload of blood on his hands, and a Green Goblin on his ass. Fraction managed to intertwine interesting concepts of human consciousness when he had Anthony formatting his brainpiece like a hard drive, and the by-now redundant trope that features Tony dealing with the idea that his technology has been used for muy malevolence. But yeah, let me not kid myself. I want to stroke Stark’s mustache and see him repulsor the shit out of some assholes in this edition. The tagline is “The Marvel Universe Starts Here”, and riffing off the the forthcoming Heroic Age, it makes sense.

Last Unicorn #1

If this doesn’t feature Tom Cruse, I’m going to be pissed. Pissed.

Green Lantern Corps #47

Featuring uh, lanterns and shit.

Anyone have any recommendations for DC comics? ‘Cause I have a confession to make. I’m not really a DC guy. I just don’t have a strong affection for Plastic   Man, and uh Animal Chick, and whoever the fuck else there is in the community. There’s a zillion universes, and the whatnot. It’s not that I’m prejudiced against them, it’s just that I don’t really delve into the universe that much unless someone makes a recommendation.

I’m not a Marvel Zealot or whatever. I always find it hilarious and sort of sad when people ascribe to one universe only, and fanboy rage at the suggestion that perhaps they’re missing something. It’s like fucking gang wars. Lines are drawn. Fat kids in Superman and Spider-Man t-shirts spit and write polemics about why their universe is superior. As I’ve often said, I tend to venture where the writers I dig are. I mean, Grant Morrison made Animal Man fucking awesome.

It seems like people are cheatin’ themselves by drawing these odd lines of demarcations.

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[via popoholic]

It’s not fair.

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Yeah, my title is a bit hyperbolic. Who knows what’s actually going on in this picture.

But!

Marvel’s Shadowland is coming soon, and I have much dong-hurt for it. It’s written by Andy Diggle, the dude who makes Daredevil rock with thunder, and penciled by Billy Tan. This is going to be win. Nice to see someone like Daredevil take the stage for a Marvel event. Fuck, if Geoff Johns can whack off the Flash and Green Lantern repeatedly to much success, why not have a talented writer (Diggle) take a lesser Marvel character and make him a lynchpin in an event?

This shit is righteous. If you haven’t been able to figure out my insane ass-crush on Tony Stark, RDJ, and the Man of Iron, you haven’t been paying attention. This remix of the trailers have my pale, pasty, cottage-cheese ass booty poppin’. Here’s the full-scoop:

via slashfilm:

San Francisco-based audio/video mash-up artist/performer Mike Relm has created a cool remix of the Iron Man 2 trailer. Director Jon Favreau saw it and even showed it to the Paramount marketing department.

[Variant Covers is a column every Tuesday that breaks down the various titles coming out that week in the world where an Aryan Poster Child defends America!]

Captain America: Who Won’t Wear the Shield #1
You have to hand it to Marvel for being self-conscious. After giving the readers Captain America: Who Will Wear the Shield, a comic that revealed and settled nothing, they’re releasing this little gem. And better yet, they’re going to make four bucks off of everyone ridiculous enough to buy it. It’s something like “Hey, we realized how retarded our one-shots are, now buy another one because we’re totally ironic and self-efficacious.”

I’m not going to buy it, but I have to hand it to Marvel for trying, you know? Nothing like post-modern recognition meeting capitalism. Bravo to you guys.

One of the difficult things about writing this column every week is trying to find something exciting. If you’re a comic book fan, you know that generally the same comic books come out the same week of every month. I mean, I can only recommend Daredevil so many times before I’m like “Drinkwater, you’re fucking redundant.” So I scour the release lists and the shit that I recommend is off the table, and that leaves what exactly?

Stuff I haven’t read, or don’t want to check out.

It isn’t that I’m not adventurous, but I generally have no interest in reading something like Fall Of the Hulk: Throwdown On Planet Zuul or whatever. Does that make me close-minded? Perhaps. I’m always looking for suggestions though. Throw something my way and I’m game to try it out.

Star Wars Official Starships And Vehicles Collection Magazine #13

However, one of the beautiful things about writing this shit is that I get to glance at the list of weekly releases. Such an action inevitably leads me to come across things such as this. That’s right, Star Wars fanboys. There are magazines dedicated to detailing the official vehicles of the Star Wars Universe. This son of a bitch is going to tell you everything you ever wanted to know about Tie Bombers. I know I’ve had a few questions about them. You know, fuselage, and uh, missile capacity and shit.

And now I can have those questions answered for me, for eighteen bucks. Eighteen bucks! Holy fuck! I can’t fathom buying this magazine for that sort of money, but I can picture myself ten years ago begging my Mom to buy it for me. Maybe that’s the target audience: little kids with boners for a galaxy far, far, away.

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Is that dirty enough for you?

It’s getting there.

Between RDJ, Scarlett Johansson, and ridiculous techno-gadgets, I swear to god my groin is going to explode during Iron Man 2. Hit the jump for the video.

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Whedonnites, prepare! to! fap!

via slashfilm:

Variety, in a confirmation of Whedon’s hiring two days ago, says that he’ll rewrite The Avengers. He’s got plenty of experience writing superhero teams and for ensemble casts, so that, again, was pretty much a foregone conclusion. But as The First Avenger: Captain America, set to shoot soon, is basically a lead-in to the big team movie, should Whedon do some work on that script, too?Pajiba says that’s exactly what he’s going to do. The site has “a source close to the project,” who says that Whedon is likely to be assigned a rewrite on Cap. That’s all the site really has, but given that the word I’ve heard about the Captain America script hasn’t been terribly positive, it’s certainly a rumor I’d like to believe.

I’m totally fucking stoked that Joss Whedon is rewriting The Avengers and Captain America. For starters, the first draft of The Avengers was by Zak Penn. He wrote X3. I rest my case. When I heard he was the guy behind The Avengers, a single tear fell from my eyes, and I said, “Well, it could be worse, they could cast Johnny Storm as Captain America.”

I’m kidding. I’m really almost sort of over that.

And despite the fact that Whedon rewriting the movies means that they’re going to be filled with existential angst, vampires, and atheism, I’m okay with it.