Variant Covers: Funny Book Ennui

Captain America: Who Won't Wear the Shield

[Variant Covers is a column every Tuesday that breaks down the various titles coming out that week in the world where an Aryan Poster Child defends America!]

Captain America: Who Won’t Wear the Shield #1
You have to hand it to Marvel for being self-conscious. After giving the readers Captain America: Who Will Wear the Shield, a comic that revealed and settled nothing, they’re releasing this little gem. And better yet, they’re going to make four bucks off of everyone ridiculous enough to buy it. It’s something like “Hey, we realized how retarded our one-shots are, now buy another one because we’re totally ironic and self-efficacious.”

I’m not going to buy it, but I have to hand it to Marvel for trying, you know? Nothing like post-modern recognition meeting capitalism. Bravo to you guys.


One of the difficult things about writing this column every week is trying to find something exciting. If you’re a comic book fan, you know that generally the same comic books come out the same week of every month. I mean, I can only recommend Daredevil so many times before I’m like “Drinkwater, you’re fucking redundant.” So I scour the release lists and the shit that I recommend is off the table, and that leaves what exactly?

Stuff I haven’t read, or don’t want to check out.

It isn’t that I’m not adventurous, but I generally have no interest in reading something like Fall Of the Hulk: Throwdown On Planet Zuul or whatever. Does that make me close-minded? Perhaps. I’m always looking for suggestions though. Throw something my way and I’m game to try it out.


Star Wars Official Starships And Vehicles Collection Magazine #13

However, one of the beautiful things about writing this shit is that I get to glance at the list of weekly releases. Such an action inevitably leads me to come across things such as this. That’s right, Star Wars fanboys. There are magazines dedicated to detailing the official vehicles of the Star Wars Universe. This son of a bitch is going to tell you everything you ever wanted to know about Tie Bombers. I know I’ve had a few questions about them. You know, fuselage, and uh, missile capacity and shit.

And now I can have those questions answered for me, for eighteen bucks. Eighteen bucks! Holy fuck! I can’t fathom buying this magazine for that sort of money, but I can picture myself ten years ago begging my Mom to buy it for me. Maybe that’s the target audience: little kids with boners for a galaxy far, far, away.

Green Lantern #53

Green Lantern #53

After all the bullshit coming out of Blackest Night, the various Lanterns seem to want to roll as one giant posse. This is going to end poorly, like really poorly. Didn’t any of the lanterns watch WWF back in the day? This gathering of such disparate personalities is going to be righteous for a while. They’re going to bang some heads, ding some assholes out with intergalactic steel chairs and think they’re on top of the world.

But eventually they will begin to butt heads. The honey moon will end, and then one of them will like, show up late to a fight with Superboy Prime Earth^9, and there will be tons of resentment. Old animosities will be reopened, and then they’ll be feuding at Wrestlemania.

I’ve seen this shit a thousand times. I mean, if the Heartbreak Kid and Triple H couldn’t exist in DX, how can Sinestro and Hal Jordan expect themselves to be on the same team? It’s unpossible. Mark me.

A-Team Shotgun Wedding #4

That’s about it, really. Another week. Nothing spectacular. I find it hard to get it up for A-Team Shotgun Wedding #4, you know? Well fuck, I find it generally hard to get it up. What can I say, I’m a man of poor circulation. Through sheer willpower I wish my genitals to life! I spend time being amazed and happy that the comic book world is ridiculous enough to support A-Team comic books. But then I think of what are probably incredibly talented writers and pencilers out there starving for work while putting out exceptional shit while this crap gets made.

I shouldn’t complain, as a stalwart supporter of the mainstream rag, I’m not really helping these people. Again, if you know of worthy consumption, pass it my way. It isn’t out of a lack of desire that I don’t follow these comics. I have enough room beside my desire for Lasers, Huge Pectoral Muscles and Taut Asses for some existential angst or marginally known work.

See you next week.