Variant Covers: Funny Book Ennui

Captain America: Who Won't Wear the Shield

[Variant Covers is a column every Tuesday that breaks down the various titles coming out that week in the world where an Aryan Poster Child defends America!]

Captain America: Who Won’t Wear the Shield #1
You have to hand it to Marvel for being self-conscious. After giving the readers Captain America: Who Will Wear the Shield, a comic that revealed and settled nothing, they’re releasing this little gem. And better yet, they’re going to make four bucks off of everyone ridiculous enough to buy it. It’s something like “Hey, we realized how retarded our one-shots are, now buy another one because we’re totally ironic and self-efficacious.”

I’m not going to buy it, but I have to hand it to Marvel for trying, you know? Nothing like post-modern recognition meeting capitalism. Bravo to you guys.


One of the difficult things about writing this column every week is trying to find something exciting. If you’re a comic book fan, you know that generally the same comic books come out the same week of every month. I mean, I can only recommend Daredevil so many times before I’m like “Drinkwater, you’re fucking redundant.” So I scour the release lists and the shit that I recommend is off the table, and that leaves what exactly?

Stuff I haven’t read, or don’t want to check out.

It isn’t that I’m not adventurous, but I generally have no interest in reading something like Fall Of the Hulk: Throwdown On Planet Zuul or whatever. Does that make me close-minded? Perhaps. I’m always looking for suggestions though. Throw something my way and I’m game to try it out.


Star Wars Official Starships And Vehicles Collection Magazine #13

However, one of the beautiful things about writing this shit is that I get to glance at the list of weekly releases. Such an action inevitably leads me to come across things such as this. That’s right, Star Wars fanboys. There are magazines dedicated to detailing the official vehicles of the Star Wars Universe. This son of a bitch is going to tell you everything you ever wanted to know about Tie Bombers. I know I’ve had a few questions about them. You know, fuselage, and uh, missile capacity and shit.

And now I can have those questions answered for me, for eighteen bucks. Eighteen bucks! Holy fuck! I can’t fathom buying this magazine for that sort of money, but I can picture myself ten years ago begging my Mom to buy it for me. Maybe that’s the target audience: little kids with boners for a galaxy far, far, away.

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