Yo! Welcome to Variant Covers, where I babble about the comic books coming out every week, and other fanboy opining. This week is all about the motherfuckin’ Heroic Age. Yeah, word. If you haven’t been paying attention, after last week’s culmination of Siege, Marvel is all about hearkening back to the glory days and shit. The entire gang is back together. Thor, Steve Rogers, and Tony Stark have put their shit inside just in time to have a righteous Memorial Day BBQ. There’s going to be mead, robots, and Steve Rogers not being cool with all the low-cut tops that the chicks are wearing. Oh Steve Rogers, you know you like them boobies.

Enter the Heroic Age #1
No new status quo, era, or event is complete these days without some bullshit one-off that kicks off the new beginnings or whatever. Unfortunately for Marvel readers, the Heroic Age doesn’t bring an age where you don’t have to purchase bullshit titles to know that the fuck is going on. The promo for this comic reads “THE HEROIC AGE STARTS HERE”, and I’m all like, yeah, it starts here, but what the fuck else is going on in it? Wait for it: a bunch of like three-page stories by various writers and artists.

The crisis in this comic book? Your wallet getting fucked for $4. Stay away.

If you’re looking for something to kick off your entrance into the Heroic Age, you’re better off checking out Avengers #1. Ever since Bendis snapped apart Avengers back in 2003, there hasn’t been an adjectiveless Avengers title for you to follow. There’s been a shitload of other ones though: Dark Avengers, New Avengers, Mighty Avengers, Young Avengers, Erotic Avengers (featuring She-Hulk), but there hasn’t been the old school title. Shit’s droppin’ this week, and it’s probably your best bet for surveying the new Marvel Universe.

I know I’m being hyperbolic when I pretend there’s like, totally, a huge seismic shift.

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I have to say, now that Siege has ended, and Marvel has completed some enormous, sprawling, seven-year storyline, I have to take a step back and applaud the effort. Listen, I admit I’m a Marvel fanboy. No, I don’t troll forums and write stuff like BATMAN SUXX FUK YOU KID. And for better or worse, I’m terminally gay for Clark Kent. But as a whole, I enjoy the Marvel Universe more. I just do.

So take it with a grain of salt when I state that the entire arc of storylines from Avengers: Disassembled to the Heroic Age is impressive as fuck. For the Universe to ride one narrative for so long, to commit to such a trajectory is quite a feat. Sure, in the end they’ve reverted back to a more simplified universe. No Registration Act, Steve Rogers is back, et cetera. Comic books always return to their status quo. Jean Grey always comes back. But the fact that they took this story through so many twists and turns before finally pulling the trigger and restoring Marvel to Happy Land?

I dig it.

It’s something that DC did similarly with their Brightest Day storyline, and I appreciate their effort as well. However, as I said, I’m a Marvel fanboy. And for whatever mediocrity some of the Marvel events have been through the past couple of years, I’ve preferred them to the DC ones. I mean, Infinite Crisis was decent, but even a Grant Morrison fanboy like myself can’t defend Final Crisis, let alone figure out what the fuck it meant.

Everyone is going happy and shining brightly and being heroic and shit.

I just prefer the Marvel way.

Like I said, I get a boner for mutants.

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[via robot 6]

This is the cover to Amazing Spider-Man #641. I love it. Listen man, I don’t usually like Spider-Man. And I usually don’t care that Mary Jane and him have been estranged ever since that dumb bastard spared Aunt May’s life in the One More Day storyline. But this is just a pretty piece of artwork by Paolo River, which is depicting, I assume, the reunion of Petey and MJ.

Just because I think LOST devolved into transdimensional love dogshit don’t mean I’m not a romantic, yo.

I’ve already spanked it to the concept of Shadowland. And to John Cassaday. Here’s me spanking to John Cassaday doing a promo for the Andy Diggle written Shadowland.

[via all games beta : click to enlarge]

Ah, Marvel Vs. Capcom 3. Where Chris Redfield can zap Bruce Banner’s dumb face with a god damn electrified baton.

[Variant Covers is a column every Tuesday that breaks down the various titles coming out that week in the world where Bruce Wayne can look like a complete asshole.]

Batman: Return Of Bruce Wayne #1
Hey kids! Are you totally not fatigued with everyone’s favorite sensation: time traveling? Well, I hope you’re not! Because this week, Grant Morrison is taking Bruce Wayne on some sort of journey across time in an effort to get his ass out of the paleolithic period and back into his Batcave. This week Morrison is rocketing off the first issue of Batman: Return of Bruce Wayne. It’s a six-issue mini-series, and Bruce Wayne is going to jump from time period to time period throughout the series. From the first issue where he totally looks like some shitty 1980’s WWF character to life as a swashbuckling douche, we’ll get to see him in various times.

Man, I’m tired of time travel. Between Captain America: Reborn, LOST, and even last week’s Astonishing Spider-Man/Wolverine I’ve had my fill. But now I have to watch as Batman runs around and gives DDTs to apes and dinosaurs and shit? I don’t know man, I’m not excited. Maybe the mini-series will kick-ass, maybe it won’t. But if there was ever a time when having Batman punch a T-Rex in the nose was a novel idea, we’re far, far from it at this point.

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First Wave #2
Also dropping in the DC Universe this week is First Wave #2, which is the retro re-imagining of the DC Universe. The first issue, which came out a couple of months ago, was pretty dope. Sort of. I can’t really remember it, but I enjoyed seeing the noir take on the universe, and I was eagerly awaiting the second issue. And waiting. and waiting. And now it’s here. Get some! Not to be undone, the second War of the Supermen comes out this week, and hopefully it’s better than the first. The first issue merely reminded me why I hadn’t been reading Superman titles the past couple of years, so egg on my face.

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I can’t be the only person who is burnt out with all the events going on, can I? I’m still trying to catch my breath after Blackest Night, and now we’re getting hit with both War of the Superman and The Return of Bruce Wayne. Sweet Jesus Christ, let me catch my breath! And over in the Marvel Universe, they’re already rolling out news of their next event, Shadowland.

I can’t tell if it is willful forgetting, or if back in the day they actually let a comic book universe go two or three months without having to introduce some sort of catastrophe or mind-warping adventure. Maybe it is just some sort of selective memory. I mean, Onslaught ran into Heroes: Reborn ran into the Heroes: Return, et cetera. Perhaps it’s part and parcel for such an existence.

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Thunder and lightning and god seeks revenge! I have no idea what that means, in relation to this post. But let’s be clear about some things. Despite the fact that I have a swamp in my pants from the gym, outside is absolutely delightful. There’s none of the precipitation out in the trees that I can feel fermenting in the crevices of my thunder thighs. What a wonderful to time exist, no?

You’re just trudging through the woeful winter and all of a sudden you look up from your self-pitying and you catch blue skies and the rustling of leaves. There’s something to be said of the necessary evil of the winter for you to appreciate the spring. But eh, who fucking cares. I’m pretty sure I could enjoy the beautiful weather of say, San Diego, without having to live through snow and hail and cleaning out cars.

I pinky swear.

I’ll just come home for Christmas, that’d be enough to remind me, right?

Monday Morning Commute. Every Monday I’m going to detail the various things I’m either currently or will be watching, reading, playing, and listening to in the next seven days. It’s Monday. You’ve got a long week of school, work, or compulsive masturbation to get through. Tell me the arts that you’re indulging in, to stave off suicide.

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My sickness is growing. After seeing Iron Man 2 today, I came across this Double-Gulp cup at 7-Eleven. Yeah, I came across it. There’s a pun in there.

Scarlett Johansson tucked into form-fitting skirts and pleather for two hours almost broke me. She gives my erection an erection.

[Variant Covers is a column every Tuesday that breaks down the various titles coming out that week in the world where Eminem can rock out beside the Punisher. What the fuck?]

Superman: War of the Supermen #1

Super-shit is about to hit the super-fan this week. DC is kicking off its next extravaganza, War of the Supermen. It’s pretty simple, really. Superman is throwing down with a bunch of other Kryptonians. Lead, of course, by General Zod. I know that the general consensus is that Superman is a lame asshole, but I can’t help but dig on the dude.

When written well, I find him to be pretty intriguing. Unfortunately, that seems rare, no? But if you doubt me, yo, just check out Kingdom Come or All-Star Superman. If you don’t dig that shit, just pretend you do and we can continue being e-acquaintances.

I haven’t been following Superman lately, but I’m hoping back on the bandwagon with this shit. It’s a four-issue mini-series that takes place across one-hundred minutes. Hopefully all the Superdouches flying around can literally beat the mediocrity out of the Superman-universe.

If you can’t make something epic out of a thousand-zillion Supermen beating the living shit out of one another, you’re probably failing at everything around you.

Just saying.

The four-issue miniseries is a weekly ordeal, which is a great way to get stank-asses into comic shops for a solid month. However, DC ain’t stopping there, yo! This week they’re rolling out Brightest Day #1. This shit is the latest weekly/bi-weekly title that DC has decided to trot out. Am I buying this shit? Absolutely not.

I would be game, if I thought it was going to be anything other than mediocre at best. A question to the members of the Cult that come across this den of iniquity. Have you enjoyed any of the following: 1) 52, 2) Countdown, or 3) Trinity? It’s an honest question. I haven’t run into anybody who has actually enjoyed them. So buying a weekly or bi-weekly comic book just for the sake of saying you did seems insane.

Eminem: The Punisher Kill You Promotional Comic #1 (of 2)

Uh…What the fuck is going on here?

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[via cbr]

Marvel dropped the first picture from the Thor movie today. And you know what? I am fucking loving it. Dude looks bad ass. I’ll wield his hammer! Hahahaha. I AM MIGHTY ENOUGH F U.

[Variant Covers is a column every Tuesday that breaks down the various titles coming out that week in the world where Tony Stark is a sexy alcoholic. Most just puke on themselves.]

Iron Man #25

Wait a second! Tony Stark, who has been drooling all over himself in a hospital bed, is all of a sudden returned to full capacity? A week before the premiere of the movie. That’s a weird coincidence. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence. The dude has been crapping his linens for six months and now he’s rocking out in a sexy new Iron Man suit? Seems convenient. Hmm. Snark for Stark aside, I’m pretty jazzed for this comic book. It’s been well-documented and groaned over that my man-clit is seriously engorged over a) Tony Stark and b) Matt Fraction for a while. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m a broken record, I know.

That said, this shit is consistently one of my favorite comic books. Even if you don’t want to ejaculate over Black Widow’s leather, and even if you don’t care for RDJ and the movie franchise, I’d still recommend this shit. This is a jumping point for everyone (again how convenient), but in case you missed it: Stark had a shitload of blood on his hands, and a Green Goblin on his ass. Fraction managed to intertwine interesting concepts of human consciousness when he had Anthony formatting his brainpiece like a hard drive, and the by-now redundant trope that features Tony dealing with the idea that his technology has been used for muy malevolence. But yeah, let me not kid myself. I want to stroke Stark’s mustache and see him repulsor the shit out of some assholes in this edition. The tagline is “The Marvel Universe Starts Here”, and riffing off the the forthcoming Heroic Age, it makes sense.

Last Unicorn #1

If this doesn’t feature Tom Cruse, I’m going to be pissed. Pissed.

Green Lantern Corps #47

Featuring uh, lanterns and shit.

Anyone have any recommendations for DC comics? ‘Cause I have a confession to make. I’m not really a DC guy. I just don’t have a strong affection for Plastic   Man, and uh Animal Chick, and whoever the fuck else there is in the community. There’s a zillion universes, and the whatnot. It’s not that I’m prejudiced against them, it’s just that I don’t really delve into the universe that much unless someone makes a recommendation.

I’m not a Marvel Zealot or whatever. I always find it hilarious and sort of sad when people ascribe to one universe only, and fanboy rage at the suggestion that perhaps they’re missing something. It’s like fucking gang wars. Lines are drawn. Fat kids in Superman and Spider-Man t-shirts spit and write polemics about why their universe is superior. As I’ve often said, I tend to venture where the writers I dig are. I mean, Grant Morrison made Animal Man fucking awesome.

It seems like people are cheatin’ themselves by drawing these odd lines of demarcations.

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