Wolverine’s deep, furious crotch action can only mean one thing! A new fucking Marvel Vs Capcom 3 trailer! This one is a straight-up character teaser. We got Ryu looking butt-hurt, Wolverine with his crotch-groan of fury, Morrigan trying to rub down Iron Man, and other thrilling, exhilarating, creamifying shit going down. Stop listening to me blather. Hit the jump and check out the teaser.

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Variant Covers is the only weekly comic book column to feature headlines featuring puke covered boobs! Welcome to all ye enter, and I sure hope you’ve got a good taste for the depraved. Here at Variant Covers I give a run down of the comic books I’m excited for, catch my eye, or seem hilariously rotten in a given week.

Astonishing X-Men: Xenogenesis #2
The second issue of the most ridiculously named X-Title ever is arriving on shelves this week covered in puke, tits, and sociopolitical commentary. While I didn’t dig Warren Ellis’ first run on Astonishing X-Men that much, I really got into the first issue of Astonishing X-Men: Xenogenesis Fun Pukey Time. The storyline is centered around an African village that is giving birth to particularly mutant-looking children. The whole OMFG stems from the fact that once Scarlett Witch went all fucking insaneo and banished mutants from the Earth, ain’t none been born. Let alone the fact that generally muties manifest around puberty. Because you know, they’re an extended metaphor for adolescent longing as well as commentary on ostracized ethnic and cultural groups.

So shit is going down! What I really enjoy about the title is how Ellis manages to float political commentary rather elegantly into the affairs of a bunch of latex-bound demi-gods. In the middle of the first issue, Wolverine drops some knowledge bombs about Nelson Mandela that even if you disagree with, are pretty interesting to hear coming out of a mainstream comic book.

It’s a fun romp, and features ridiculous postures and absurd ass and tit shots by Kaare Andrews. And while I’m ultimately a horndog who finds himself aroused on occasion by the curve of inanimate objects, the artwork stems the line between ridiculously sexualized and rousing the inner feminist in me. There’s some sort of line that Andrews is straddling for even the most reluctant readers as myself, and definitely sending more engaged feminists into apoplectic aneurysms.

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Meta 4 #1
Meta 4! Metaphor. See what they did there? This comic comes out this week, and I’m particularly intrigued. I hadn’t read about it, but while skimming the release list this week it caught my eye. Even the title is a metaphor! Intriguing. And then I read the plot description which seems trippy enough to at least try out the first issue:

An amnesiac astronaut is helped by Gasolina, a muscular woman who dresses up as Santa all year round. As they travel New York City for one man’s answers of self, it becomes an expedition to overcome barriers that stand between us and a recognition of our inner selves.

Too bizarre to pass up for me. I have the feeling that the comic book is either going to be a refreshing exploration of metaphors and life through metaphor, or really just a pretentious bunch of hogwash. I’m hoping it is dope as fuck. If you stop and ponder how essential metaphors are to not only understanding and communicating with one another, but also as means to make sense of the world, the idea of the comic books pretty cool. Metaphors layered upon metaphors! I know, I’m a lame-ass literature nerd.

Mea culpa, mea culpa.

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[click to enlarge]

Matt Fraction pens my favorite monthly comic book, Invincible Iron Man. And Pasqual Ferry? The dude is utterly gorgeous. Like, ridiculously pretty. So the idea of the two of them teaming up for a run on Thor has me doing cartwheels of destructive glee.

via comics alliance:

I can’t WAIT to unleash our Thor on you unsuspecting humans,” said Fraction. “Things were intimidating enough when Pasqual, Matt, and I had to follow up JMS and Olivier– that we’ve got to take up arms after Kieron and company’s stellar stand makes it all the moreso. All we can promise you is that Thor will overflow with colossal and cosmic action, giant space gods smashing each other in the faces with hammers, and all of the earth trembling in the balance. In short: everything that has made Thor great.

Matt Fraction is promising “giant space gods” smashing one another in their fucking face. Win. Win.com/awesome.php

The dude from the best (not really) movie of all time, Jumper, who totally fights Anakin from Attack of the Douchesabers is going to be Spider-Man? Maybe? We’ll see?

via slashfilm

I’ll keep this short, since we have no reliable info to go on. The site Bleeding Cool  is reporting that multiple sources have told them that actor Jamie Bell has been tapped to star in Sony’s reboot of Spider-Man, directed by Marc Webb.

Well then! I really have no idea about this dude, save for the fact that no seriously, I enjoyed him in Jumper. Oh wait, he was fucking Billy Elliot?! I’m double sold.

As an aside, I knew my girlfriend was either a) crazy in love with me or b) crazy when I took her to Jumper like three weeks into our relationship. “Oh hey! Come see a shitty action movie with me, because I love lighthearted slop starring Robotic Jedi and Apparently Spider-Man!”

Nice!

Jeremy Renner plays a ridiculous bad ass in The Hurt Locker. And he plays a sharpshooting bad ass in 28 Weeks Later. So fuck yeah!, at him playing Hawkeye in the Avengers movie.

via slashfilm:

Man, the past twenty-four hours have been all Marvel, all the time. From Captain America and Thor concept art to more Cap casting and now this confirmation of a rumor that started around Thanksgiving of last year: Jeremy Renner is close to signing a deal to appear in The Avengers as the hero Hawkeye.

Righteous! Who the fuck is Hawkeye? You newbie! In the regular Marvel Universe, Hawkeye is a douchebag with exceptional aim with a bow and arrow. Then he died, and uh, became this guy Ronin, who had exceptional aim and shit with swords.

But in the Ultimate universe, dudebro is a master of bullets and gunpowder-based ownery. Since the Marvel Movieverse seems based off of the Ultimate mythos, here’s hoping Renner gets to be a bad ass with dual-wielding enormo-guns. And not some schmuck with a purple outfit and a quiver.

[via slashfilm, click to enlarge]

These are confirmed concept images of the Captain America suit from the upcoming movie. I dig the look of the suit. A lot. It’s got the whole paramilitary meets superhero costume thing going on, and well fuck, I’m sold. It’s more Ultimate universe than the regular ole’ 616, but they announced they were going that way a long time ago.

Try to ignore how douchey Evans’ face looks photoshopped into the whole thing, since these are concepts works and not actual shots. “But Ian, it may very well look assy once it’s filmed!” Well, you got me there. But for now, these images are theoretically cool. To me.

Hit the jump for a couple more pictures.

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[via diversitile, click to enlarge]

These things are super hawt. Like, ohmaigawd. Like I said when I was busy gushing over Nike’s Bioshock kicks, I can’t wear these. Size 15 feet. Freakishly large. It’s up to you chaps to buy a set of these, so I can live vicariously through you.

Welcome to Variant Covers, the joint where every week I glance at a Release List for the comic books coming out and mention anything that catches my eye in the world of Telekinesis, Perpetual Resurrections, and Really Firm Pectorals, Buttocks, and Breasts. Or generally, that’s what I do. But seeing as this is my column, fuck it, I’m going to do whatever I want to. Let not the column dictate my writing, let my writing dictate the column! Or some shit. Word.

Memorial Day and a five-week month have seemingly conspired to draw a really fucking boring week on my ass. I say this full aware that people who are reading this are probably excited for roughly nineteen titles and think I’m a complete dickhead. Whatever. Like I say every week what are you reading? Recommend something to me. I’ll read it, I’ll even probably enjoy it. But on a budget that is stuffed with comics and countless energy drinks, I don’t take many risks on my own. That said, the comic books are coming late this week, and what are coming don’t really catch my attention.

Nonetheless, it always saddens me when shit comes out a day late in the Comicverse. Fucking Memorial Day! I’ll trade a day of eating lobsters and drinking for the ability to snag my funny books on time. Who stops shipments of anything, anyways? This America! Dost Capitalism dare slow down for something as insignificant as recognizing those who have fallen for our right to pound Double Gulps and watch endless repeats of Sportcenter as we bloat and fart? [If you don’t get my sarcasm just close the window. I beg you.

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Cosplay Fever
You know it’s either a slow week or an awesome week when one of the most geeked out things I’m interested in is a compendium of all things cosplay. Cosplay is also amazing in my book. It operates on so many levels of rock, that it takes something calamitous for it to fail me. If the cosplay is awesome, it’s generally a woman or man wearing way too little and giving convention goers a look at some flesh. If the cosplay is terrible, then it works on a car crash sort of way. Either way, it is something to be entertained by.

I’ll never forget the four-hundred pound Jean Grey I saw at last year’s New York Comicon. She was a bulging sea of green and red. As I was sitting in line, it was probably the gravitational pull of her various oceanic waves of cellulite that caught my eye. But I was transfixed. Whatever sort of superfabric she was wearing was screaming for relief. Pulled so tight, it captured every cottage-cheese dimple across her biomass. I thought it was astounding. The lady was tremendous because either a) She didn’t give a fuck about her figure, she was dressing up. I respect that. Or b) she as delusional and thought she had it going on. Like I said, either way, kudos.

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Since I usually spend my time commenting on comic books that are coming out, as opposed to that I’m digging on, I don’t get to highlight titles rocking my ass. Batman: The Return of Bruce Wayne is currently deeply embedded in the windings halls of my fanboy heart. Morrison has the Man of Flying Rats tripping through time. It’s fucking odd, which I suppose isn’t anything new from a writer who has thought he’s communed with aliens. Wayne is falling through time, while also posing as a Biorganic Archivist at the end of linear timespace? Or something? Like I said, it’s insane. But it’s also an enjoyable examination of myths and superstitions throughout various timelines, from that of cavemen to the witch trials. Seeing how humanity has a tendency to make the supernatural out of what cannot be easily explained, and how fears play on one’s ability to reason clearly.

It’s super odd, and really, really different from the usual superhero event.

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Matthew Vaughn, the dude behind Kick-Ass, and who was supposed to direct X3: Everything Fucking Falls Apart, is working on X-Men: First Class. Shit is getting fast tracked, and is coming out next year. And now they’ve got some casting. James McAvoy, who I refer to as “The guy from Wanted who made both my girlfriend and me very aroused” or “The dude from Atonement who was gorgeous and made me cry” is going to be Professor X. X-Cellent! LOL.

via slashfilm:

20th Century Fox has officially signed James McAvoy to play a young Professor X in Kick-Ass helmer Matthew Vaughn’s X-Men series prequel/reboot X-Men: First Class. McAvoy is certainly a capable actor who has done the comic book movie thing before with Wanted.

I can dig on it. I really like McAvoy both as a bisexual curiosity of mine, and an actor. He’s a bit of a strapping young lad, and I think I’ll enjoy his rendition of a young Chucky Xavier. It was such a drag watching Professor X and Magneto being played out in the first movies by a couple of feeble assholes. Yeah, I know, Patrick Stewart was like totalllllly Xavier. Whatever. Yawn. And Ian McKellan, dude, I love you. But you’re not Magneto. Magneto is supposed to be fucking physically imposing. Or at least not withered and goofy.

Just saying.

McAvoy as Professor Xavier? I’m down.

If this ain’t Variant Covers, then I’m fucking lost. Welcome to the weekly column where I haphazardly stare at the release list of this week’s comics and pick out the titles I’m sweating. Most of them it’s the usual shit! But who cares. It’s summer time, and the living is easy. Or at least I don’t feel bad for sweating through my shitty t-shirt for once, since I can just blame it on the weather and not my glands and caffeine addiction. After that fourth energy drink of the day I’m literally slathered in crevice juice. Crevice juice.

Secret Avengers #1
As I mentioned last week, we’re entering the Heroic Age. And no Age would be complete without seventeen Avengers titles to back it up, would it? So without having read them all, I’m going to blindly and foolishly tell you this: if you’re only going to read one Avengers title, pick this one up? Ed Brubaker has consistently rocked out on both Dardevil and Captain America through the years. The answer to the trivia question, “Who could bring Bucky back to life and not have it suck” will always be Eddie. And then there’s Daredevil. I can’t remember a more tortured and nuanced dude than Matty, and Brubaker took the reins from Bendis back in the day and it was a seamless transition.

So no, I don’t know what the fuck is going on in this title. Coming off of Siege, Steve Rogers ain’t no American captain anymore. Instead he’s dubbed some bullshit like “America’s Top Cop” (he’s Nick Fury), and apparently these are his Avengers that are also a secret. This is your on-ramp to the title, but I’m pretty sure it’s going to be the same as every other first-issue of a JLA or Avenger’s title these days: just the means through which the team comes together. For better or worse.

Around the Marvel Universe, there’s some other legit stuff dropping you might want to check out. For starters, there’s Fantastic Four #579. And if you read this column even semi-regularly, you’ll find me throwing rope over Hickman’s rendition of Marvel’s first family all the time. Buy this comic book, share it with your friends. Incontrovertible proof that Reed Richards can be more than a douchey guy in the Fox movie. I promise. Then there’s the latest issue of Thunderbolts, which has Luke Cage running the team.   And Juggernaut? What the fuck?

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Speaking of Cain Marko, what the fuck is that guy up to these days? Besides being on the Thunderbolts, apparently. I remember when I was growing up Juggernaut seemed so fucking cool. I mean, he was a guy who could run a lot, and smash stuff with his head. As a kid, this was precisely what I spent most of my time doing. Running into shit, and smashing my head. The idea that it would make me a bad ass, and not make girls laugh at me as my size 15 feet tripped was comforting.

Also, where’s my Juggernaut/Juggalos cross-over? This seems like an untapped brand, right here. What happens when the Juggernaut becomes a Juggalo? It seems like it almost makes too much sense. Let’s get this shit done!

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Sense and Sensibility #1
I’m pretty sure that if this comic book doesn’t feature zombies, no one is going to read it. Sry, yo! No seriously, who in their right fucking mind is going to buy this comic book? Academic geeks like me? Natch. I just spent five months reading British women’s literature from this time period. I have no desire to see this novel drafted panel by panel. Girls? Double natch. They’re all iCarly and shit. They don’t need to walk into the creepy comic store dungeon with their father and pick this up. So uh, who exactly? Completionists? Pedophiles? Maybe.

Is this some sort of reverse cash-in? With Pride and Prejudice and Zombies making everyone go fucking bananas, did they think that maybe slipping out another Jane Austen book in comic form, sans zombies, could drum up some interest? Who knows. I had to listen to the professor from said class drone on and on about how misogynistic P&P&Z despite the fact that a) half the class was female and b) they had dug it. So if anything, I’ve learned something about Sense and Sensibility from this exercise: if it’s not being misogynistic, it’s going to be too boring for people to pick it up.

(Don’t hate on me, I actually enjoy Austen.)

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