Good afternoon, internet populace! This is Variant Covers, the column that throws an unedited and poorly written eye at the comic books I’m checking out this week. Per usual, hit me up with your pull-list for the week, and let’s ring in this new year with some fucking funny books!

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Choker #5
The fifth issue of McCool and Templesmith’s jaunt through a futuristic mindfuck noir drops this week. The series has come out sporadically, but every time that it arrives I greet it with a smile. I’m a total slut for profanity, and dystopian futures, so McCool and Templesmith are really just lobbing fastballs down the lane towards me. I’ll eat it up!

This second to last issue sees protagonist Johnny Jackson throwing down with the psychopathic drug-dealing ex-con who has a dickcrush for Jackson’s death. It promises all the violence and profanity I’ve come to love. Oh! And there’s vampires. Buy it for your fourteen year old cousin and show her what sort of shit the real dudes start.

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Who Is Jake Ellis #1
This miniseries starting tomorrow by Nathan Edmonson and Tonci Zonjic is the raging hotness. Want to be the cool kid in your comic shop tomorrow? Either pick this shit up, or act beyond indignant when they say they didn’t order it or sold out. You’re going to gain some credit, duders. I promise. You can’t stop there though. Wear your Lantern Corp ring of choice. You know, the one you got from Free Comic Day. Tie that shit together with your t-shirt of choice (I’m thinking the Alex Ross Obama shirt that’s super unique!) and you’re the pimp now, fanboy!

Seriously though.

The good news is that the comic itself sounds bizarre. Which is, as always, plus-forty points in my book. The premise? It’s centered around Jon Moore who “is the most sought after spy-for-hire in Europe’s criminal world. This is because of Jake Ellis, a psychic man who is invisible to everyone except Moore. When a deal goes bad, the only one who can protect Moore from Europe’s most dangerous criminals is Jake Ellis. No one but Moore can see Jake Ellis. But Jake Ellis can see everything.”

Odd, odd shit. Intrigued? Edmonson spoke with Tim O’Shea over at Robot 6, and its an interesting read.

Color me stoked.

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Watching the Thor trailer today prior to The Fighter got my balls tingling a bit more for the flick. Imma level with you: I would arm wrestle my girlfriend for a chance at Chris Hemsworth. And I’d fight dirty. Dropping elbows, spin-kicks. Eye gouges. A true hardcore arm wrestling match.

Well, when I got home, I found out that Hawkeye is totally making a cameo in Thor. Word? According to Slashfilm, “The Wrap says that Jeremy Renner will appear in Thor as Hawkeye. In some ways this isn’t new, because Jeremy Renner himself mentioned last year that he expected Hawkeye to show up in Thor.”

Well then. I don’t really know how Hawkeye fits into the Thor movie, but I’m not sure Marvel gives a fuck. They’ve been shoehorning the various Marvel characters into other titles since what, the original Iron Man? Yo Marvel. We get it. It’s an interconnected universe. Seriously. We’re nodding our head. Because we get it.

Completely sensationalist title! Ha! I got you! And I just stole your cookie, what the fuck are you going to do? But no seriously. Apparently Emma Stone was on Jay Leno last night, and she dropped the claim that she’s going to be around for a few web-slinging flicks. When Jay asked how long she’ll be keeping her blond hair, she responded “There’s a few Spidermen, so I may have to keep it for a couple of years.”

Wut!

Every Spider-Man dude knows that Gwen bites the fucking bullet hard. It’s one of the multitude of reasons that Parker is a whiny bitch. But! Could they be changing something? Is Gwen going to live? Sure, her surviving one film doesn’t mean she isn’t going to die eventually. However, let’s dare to dream. I’d be very excited if they decided to keep Gwen as Parker’s main squeeze.

Not only have we done the whole courting of Mary Jane, but I’m going to hit you guys with something: I fucking hate Mary Jane. Yeah, I know she symbolizes the impossibility that the average nerd can’t attain. What is more of an accomplishment than the dweeb acquiring the supermodel who gets him?

Not much.

But I’ve always preferred Stacy to MJ, and if this means she’ll be keeping a pulse for the foreseeable future, then good.

Happy holidays, ya’ll! May the deity of your choice smile upon you. May your stockings be stuffed. This is Variant Covers, where I run down what comic books I’m checking out this week. ‘Tis the season for some funny books. Especially with the snow, wind, and overall suckitude of the tangible environment these days in my neck of the woods.

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Neonomicon #3
Alan Moore’s Lovecraftian nightmare conjured into reality continues this week with the third issue. The phrase “mind fuck” is bandied about these days to the point of uselessness. But friends, I can’t resist. This comic book is a mind fuck of the strongest order.

Last issue saw a bathhouse orgy rape scene turn into the grandest of conjurations to summon some sort of reptilian creature seeking a fucking. I can’t remember a comic book so creepy that it gave me the chills. But Moore is crazy like a fox, and has chosen this venue to pontificate on the ability to write reality as a narrative, and other rather weighty topics. It’s the only comic that could be featured in a graduate course, and also be used to get fetish pornography thrown into a whole new venue.

Definitely not for everyone. But if you’re into horror, steam house orgies, or meditations on narrative, I think you’ll enjoyed this shit. As much as you’ll be horrified. You don’t see mythical creature cocks ejaculating into a woman’s mouth and not be changed. Just a little. (Lot.)

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Today at a press conference hosted at Midtown Comics in New York City, Marvel unveiled their next event. Titled Fear Itself,   the event is going to be broken into a seven issue miniseries, starting in April. The creative gurus behind it? Matt Fraction and Stuart Immonen. Yeah kid, now we’re playing with power. I’ve waited a long time for Fraction to get dealt an event, and it seems like I’m getting a Christmas gift early. Booyah! And Stuart Immonen? I’ve dug his artwork since finding him on Ellis’ Nextwave.

The Premise!
The story itself revolves around eight characters that Fraction plans on putting up against the God of Fear. This will also tie into some “secret at the heart of the Marvel Universe that had been hidden for centuries. Its revealing will ‘unleash something unspeakable, something that has been clamped down for centuries that will flourish and cast its shadow across the world.'” What would an event be without some sort of hidden secret or grand reveal?

Nothing!

If you want to enjoy events, you have to accept the tropes. I do.

Hit the jump for a Fraction and Quesada spouting off on the event, as well as some gorgeous promo artwork.

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[Enlarge]

For months Hickman’s excellent Fantastic Four has been building up to what I’ve assumed is a death to one of the members of the F4. So what happens to them after the Countdown to Casualty hits? It seems a beginning.

Issue one though? Is it a new monthly? Are they rebooting the numbering of F4? I must know! I must! Know!

My ridiculous excitement over this vague teaser is a testament to Hickman’s run on F4. His ability to bring wonder back into the overly status-quo and rote Marvel universe through intergalactic adventures has me sweating the comic book every month. In a world where everything seems beaten to death, and tropes ground into paste, he has managed to make the Marvel Universe feel enormous. There’s potential behind every door, universes to explore. Whatever the fuck this is, I want in on it.

Via.

Capcom dropped the cinematic trailer for MvC3 today, and good lord is it splooge. Through the means of some nefarious vial, they’re tying the two worlds together, and I wonder just what the fuck it means. Is it silly? Of course it but. But the trailer is an assload of Marvel and Capcom villains thrashing each other. If you can’t get down to Sir Arthur and the Hulk rocking out side by side, you’re fucking invalid man. Neg value.

Hit the jump for the trailer.

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It’s been a busy day for Jon Favreau, and Iron Man 3. First it was rumored that Favreau wasn’t going to direct it. Then it was confirmed. And now we have, courtesy of Slashfilm and the LA Times the reason behind his departure.

In an interview with Los Angeles Times writer Geoff Boucher, Favreau said the rumored reasons why he’s leaving Iron Man, such as money issues or lack of cohesiveness, where inaccurate. He’s still a producer on The Avengers and remains friendly with Marvel main man Kevin Feige. His main reason for leaving was to “find something that lights a fire” inside of him and also something that will “blow people away, which is easier to do with a project that isn’t loaded with built-in expectations.” So, basically, he wants some new toys to play with. He thinks of the departure as more of a “graduation” rather than “divorce.”

Well then. Hard to blame the guy, isn’t it? If he was genuinely burnt out on the characters and would have been mailing in a third movie, I’m glad it oped out of it. If you’re reticent to agree with me, check out Spider-Man 3. It’s mind-blowing how awful a movie can be when a director no longer has the freedom he wants, or the passion for the characters. I forgive you, Sam Raimi.

So Favreau is gone. Wonder who is going to step in. Thoughts?

Update: Deadline confirms Favreau’s departure. Balls.

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Thar be reports pouring out that Jon Favreau isn’t going to direct Iron Man 3. This isn’t an enormous surprise. Both Favreau and Downey Jr. didn’t like the Iron Man 2 script, and felt it was rushed out. As well, Marvel has been developing a reputation for being cheap as fuck, and Favreau may have been/may be anticipating getting low balled. And now there are reports that he has informed Marvel that he shan’t be returning for the third movie.

But still, fucking shit. Favreau’s a talented son of a bitch, and he clearly gets Iron Man.

Over at Slashfilm, they point out that Favreau was even recently wavering on the topic:

Vulture first reported the news of Favreau’s apparently (sic) departure from the Iron Man franchise. He spoke about the third film at length just last week and you can read our report here. The video, from MTV, is below and in it, you’ll hear Favreau talking about his uncertainty concerning Iron Man 3.

Slash then links to a transcript of said conversation:

Kevin Feige, who’s been involved with superhero movies with Marvel movies since the X-Men films, is very aware of his path and how to weave [things together], so in theory, ‘Iron Man 3? is going to be a sequel or continuation of ‘Thor,’ ‘Hulk,’ ‘Captain America’ and ‘Avengers’… This whole world… I have no idea what it is. I don’t think they do either, from conversations I’ve had with those guys.

Balls. I’m getting frustrated with Marvel’s insistence on lowballing directors and rushing bullshit out. When you have a winning director, let them do their own thing with the franchise. Trust me. Maybe Iron Man 2 would have been more than decent but forgettable if Favreau had been able to work at his own speed.

Ask DC about it? Clearly letting Nolan rock out for a bit and then return invigorated to a franchise has worked.

December, and the winter smiles upon us. Its dark bitter smile. Unless you’re one of those fuckers blessed with place of residence that keeps the climate balmy. For the rest of us? Let us escape into the panels, dialogue bubbles, and yes, even the occasional splash page to escape. Ah, escape. Much like I’m escaping into this list of comics that caught my eye this week, to abstain from writing a term paper.

Grab my hand and let’s fly.

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Strange Tales #3
The final issue of the second volume of Strange Tales comes out this week. Just buy this comic book, okay? It’s a collection of indie artists spinning their own unique take on the Marvel characters you’ve come to know. And love. And probably, to an extent, become apathetic to. I don’t usually say this, but even if it’s shitty, it’s probably worth buying. Show some love, so Marvel continues to allow some outside voices to spout off on the characters.

Consider it a dorky political move.

It doesn’t hurt that the comics themselves are generally well done. Some clunkers, but even then, they’re trying. I sound like a little league coach.

Onwards.

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