Does this trailer for the Final Fantasy VII Remake look dope? You fucking bet! Am I excited? You fucking bet! Do I think the game will be good? Not yet! Square has been placed solely in the “Prove It To Me” category for now. I haven’t enjoyed a game of theirs since, what, 2006? But, I’m excited. Please, Square. Prove my skepticism unwarranted.
Square Enix has moved development of the Final Fantasy VII remake in-house. This development underscores, for me, the fact that I had no fucking clue it wasn’t being done in-house already. But, hey! I can’t wait to play this broken ass game on the PlayStation 6 Pro, in 2025. #EasyJokes
Well. I mean, there goes our trepidation about the FFVII being a piecemeal episodic adventure. Inserted, is our fear that Square will be mining the famous title for every last piece of material, in a Hobbit-esque nightmare extrapolation. Or, we could just be excited.
Hmm. Here is a bit of a wrinkle here, to the Final Fantasy VII Remake drama. Maybe you’re one of those people not upset with the changes to the combat system (hi! I like the changes!), and you’re feeling left out. You feel like you deserve something to huff and puff and fanboy fume about, too. Well, good news, fan looking for faux-outrage to glom onto. Square has announced that the FFVII:Remake is going to be “multi-part” — and I don’t know which of the next two options I hate more.
My initial excitement about an FFVII remake has given way to a stark reality. Namely that Square fucking sucks and they’ll find a way to ruin the remake. Because they fucking suck now and will change things.
Squaresoft-Enix-Eidos-Whateverthefuck straight trollin’ us now. The Company That Doesn’t Matter Anymore announced today that they’re bringing Final Fantasy VII to PS4. But it ain’t the remake we’ve been clamoring for over the past fifteen years. Just an upscale whateverashit port. Same one that has already dropped on Steam.
Square Enix likes to laugh at us after farting a sugary dollop of turd on our tongue. This is evident. They could be doing so many fruitful things, but instead they’re making Final Fantasy XIII-3: Lightning Knickers and launching cloud gaming services. It is evident there are no fucks given around those headquarters.
Tifa’s huge rack and Cloud’s huge sword. It isn’t science (or maybe it is?) why I got behind Final Fantasy VII back in the day. There was flowing breasts and enormous bladed phallic weapons to swing at objects of my desire destruction. My adolescent brain was careening on raw hormone. You see, I regularly destroyed compact discs for no apparent reason. More often than not, I’d crank open my Mortal Kombat II strategy guide and awkwardly rub my groin all over my carpet with odd feelings and gooey groin. This game brought together these two absurd occurrences, and wrapped it up with the emergent teenage sense of wonderment. As Cloud and his rag tag of condemnable terrorists rolled the fuck out of Midgar, the world opened up to them. I couldn’t help but feel the same fucking feeling, with friends getting their licenses and our own world map unfolding before our eyes. Granted, Cloud was saving the world (when not being some sort of eco-Jihadist piece of shit). I was getting fat off of Wendy’s chicken nuggets and cajoling friends into trying to buy porn for me. Cloud and me? Mutually assured bildungsroman.