Oh shit!, the sixth season of Dexter is here and it kicked off with some ripping bad assery from our favorite Homicidal Batman. I called dream sequence, the show called my bluff and we finally got to see him kill off a couple of douchebags in a rather novel way. Listen man, my serial killer needs to go beyond the casual chest stab every once in a while.

The show’s jumped a year forward and while I usually bemoan this trope maybe the meds are working and I’m not feeling nearly as critical. In that time Pock Mocked McGee and Deb have been hanging out and chaining annoying vulgar turns of phrase together. He’s been banging her and observing his penis’ clear presence in her Skeletor vaginal canal. LaGuerta divorced Angel which caused him to get a sweet ass beard. Also his sister is hot. Masuka’s still Masuka which is fine by me.

And in my mind: Astor and Cody were eaten by a Kraken, after being dismembered by a saw that was powered by an intensified version of their own cacophonous bitchings.

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Showtime has released a teaser for the sixth season of Dexter, as well as some plot details.

Hit the jump to check it out, as well as indulge in some specifics.

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I miss Eddie James Olmos and his utter and unrepentanting ownage as motherfuckin’ Billy Adama, savior of the human race. Oh Battlestar, how I weep for you when no one is looking. Good news!, for my pathetic ass. Motherfucking Edward James Olmos is joining a pretty outrageous cast for the next season of Dexter.

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When all is said and done, I enjoyed this season of Dexter. It started off weak as fuck, rallied for a good four or five episodes, and then last night, it ended. However, the more I think about the season, the more I’m not really sure what the fucking point of it was. You can disagree, and tell me there really doesn’t have to be a point, and maybe you’re right. But after twelve episodes, did we really actually go anywhere with Dexter? Take a ride on my disco stick and we’ll talk this one through.

Debbie Deb and the Grand Vigilantism
Last night’s episode asshole-clenching climaxed when Deb stumbled upon Dexter and Lumen as they cleaned up Camp Stab and Rape. I was certain at that moment that one of two things was going to happen. Either Deb was going to have Lumen and Dexter arrested, or she was going to realize it was Lumen and Dexter and let them go. You know, Huey Lewis and the News shit! The power of love! What actually happened? A cop-out that let her appreciate Dexter’s vengeful spirit without actually forcing her to confront him.

The cop copped out! Rimshot!

Also, maybe I’m making mountains out of mole hills, but I didn’t get what Deb at the very end of the episode when she said to Dexter “Yeah man, aren’t you totally relieved now that it’s all over?” Is she hinting that she knows about him? Or is it just a general comment on the whole situation? Or the rudderless season? Maybe Deb finding out about Dexter is the Jim and Pam moment of the show. Once they cross that threshold, it’s all downhill from there. The sociopathic equivalent of the Impossible Couple finally canoodling.

I made the mistake of actually reading criticism of the show before writing this (I usually blather first, read second), and some people are perturbed by how quickly Deb found Camp Rape and Stab. Really? The entire show has been running on magical IMPLAUSIBILITY DUST that powers everything. All the narrative mechanics and storyline happenings have been sprinkled by it for this season. That’s what happens when the showrunner of this Dexter comes from 24. Those screen writers actually pioneered implausibility dust.

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The second to last episode of a Dexter season seems to always be the most exciting. It’s when all the feces strike the fan accordingly, sending a flurry of corn-covered shit out into every facet of Dexter’s life. Last night’s episode was no different. And goddamn, did I love it. It set up the final episode, which could be titled every season: Dexter! How The Fuck Do You Fix This?

At one point last night I realized what should have been obvious: this season of Dexter is the best sociopathic rendition of a Shakespearean tragedy on television. Though to call a Shakespearean tragedy “sociopathic” may in fact be redundant.

All The World’s A Body bag!

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A thousand years ago, when this season was a bore, I couldn’t have imagined enjoying the season as much as I am. But none the less, episode upon episode continues to build upon the rocket doomship that Dexter and Lumen seem to be strapped onto. Unbeknown to them, the spilling of the Jordan Chase gang’s barrel loot has kicked off a cascading set of events that are building towards either the most plucky escape or their doom. I think it’s safe to bet on escape. But fucking how?

The unveil behind the creation of the Boyd Fowler posse popped off last night, and it was nothing short of satisfying. Nothing like some gang rape at summer camp to truly cement these dudes in the echelons of monsters. The creepiest part? Jordan not partaking in the ritual. Instead, the son of a bitch guides the rapes and murders, imploring his little lackeys to seize their primal desire. The dude probably goes home and burps his dong into a bucket. It is voluminous. Creeper creeping in the background, orchestrating everything.

What does this say about his drives, though? For someone who tells everyone else to go about taking what they believe is theirs, why doesn’t he actually partake in the ritual? Overlord of the Rape Gang?

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The Dexter season is officially rocking. I have to tip my cap to the late inning rally by the writers, salvaging countless episodes of build-up and turning it into a momentum-fueled final act of the season. Maybe last season did coalesce this slowly, but I never noticed it because of how taken I was with Trinity. Interjecting Jordan Chase into the season would have captivated me more quickly, but fuck, now that they’ve got me, I ain’t complaining. We’ve finally gotten the rocket-ship ass-clenching roller coaster we were clamoring for. We shouldn’t complain. We should take it! Take it!

I kick it crazy here over in the re-up section of Omega Level. I imagine that writing the weekly column is much like teaching a classroom . I can’t do the same shit every week. I’ll go fucking banana cakes. So I switch it up. This week we’re rocking the column in the form of the absolutely fucking pertinent questions about the remainder of the season that I’m going to pose. Your job is to ingest my nonsense, and then hit me with your thoughts. Let’s party.

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#1: Is Dexter the Coolest Feminist Ever?
I’m going to level with everyone. I’m really enjoying watching Dexter lay out dudes who put their hands on women. Watching him lay down the stink-fist on the abusive quasi-father of Astor’s friend last night had me fist pumping. Keep the fist pumping coming, yo! Tie that shit in with his pursuit of the Boyd Fowler Rape gang, and you have the coolest feminist ever. Sort of. I know I’m being ridiculous. But still, if there is anything that pisses me off more than a meathead demeaning of a chick, I can’t locate it at this moment.

Also, did you ever notice that Dexter’s continuously trying to fill the void left by his mother’s death? Ever since he was caked to the knees in her hemoglobin, he’s been searching for a proxy. He only gets close to women. Lila, Rita, now Lumen. And invariably, I’m noticing that they all die. He can’t seem to keep that maternal/sexual female figure on lock down. Much to do is made about Deb’s black widow status. But Dexter seems to get every chick near him killed as well.

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#2: Don’t You Want to Body Slam Petulant Teenagers?
Astor’s turn into a moody, bitchy teenage snot bag was groan-inducing and bothersome. Actually, she’s still a tweener or whatever, but still. I understand that losing your mother would fuck you up done good, but there’s something about whiny kids in television shows that makes me want to dragon uppercut their brains out of their skulls. Blah, blah, you don’t understand me. Blah, blah, oh my god how could you be porking Save the Last Dance so soon after Mom died?

She did serve the purpose of being Dexter’s means of reaffirming his humanity, but I’ll be damned if I could stand Astor in the majority of the episode. The little sap in me enjoyed their final conversation in the car, but for the most part I fantasized about someone throwing pies off her face.

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#3: How Does Dexter Escape Robocop?
Liddy is coming on strong, and something is going to go down between Quinn, Dexter, and Robocop. I love how his initial hiring at the hands of Quinn has been parlayed into his means of getting back at LaGuerta, and potential redemption. I’m never going to bet on Dexter getting caught, so every season it becomes “How the fuck does Dexter escape this?”

Any thoughts? Does Quinn go down in a blaze? Do Dexter and Lumen take him out? He hasn’t violated the code so what do they do with him?

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I have to hand it to the writers. I don’t know about anyone else, but I’ve found the past two episodes in a fucking row! to be engrossing like woah. Ignore the fact that the side stories continue to underwhelm aside from Robocop trying to bring down Dexter and Lumen. The Dexter/Lumen/Jordan chase story has grabbed me by my impressively miniscule genitalia and refused to let go. A certain sadness pangs around my empty gut as I realize that nothing gold can stay, especially a cute relationship between a serial killer vigilante and the woman he saved from a trip to a swamp.

Catharsis. Underpinning this entire episode, and perhaps the remainder of this season’s arc is Dexter’s chase of the impossible. Relief from the murder of his mother. Relief from the murder of his wife. The double-smash of the two female figures he’s cared for the most. As we’ve watched our boy throughout the seasons, he’s struggled with an inability to cope with what’s been done to him. His murder serves, at best, as a mitigation. He never feels completely fulfillment, or complete release from his demons. His dark passenger. His demonic b-boy. Whateevr.

If anything, the show has underlined his hobby’s his continuing fading effectiveness. As seasons have marched, each kill seemed to bring him less and less satisfaction. Cut to this season, and they’re empty loads being blown. No gratification. A rote behavior done with the hope for gratification, only to be filled with Jordan Chase’s accurately diagnosed hole. His killing relief has flat lined.

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Alright, check this shit out! First and probably last ever, Dexter live-blog! Well, it’s not coming to you live, but I’m going to squeeze this one out as the episode progresses. No idea how it’ll come out, but like I said to Tommy Parker in gym class all those years ago, let’s experiment! Kid decked me. Don’t tell my girlfriend. So if you’ve ever accurately described my Re-Ups as rushed, poorly edited, or off the cuff, you’re about to be correct a thousand times over.

Oh great, it’s the recap. Have you ever noticed how fucking long the recaps are? Between the intro, the recap, and the early ending time, I’m pretty sure Dexter episodes are only thirty minutes long. Frankly, if they cut out everything involving Angel and Maria, and Quinn, and Deb, and the episode was only ten minutes, I’d consider it a fair trade.

Everything is Illumentated? Ha! Oh great, Dexter monologue. Yeah, I get it. You’re complicated, bro. You’re a monster, and you’re upset. And stuff.

I have to say that I’m fairly depressed about the dissolution of Dexter’s family. It was a neat twist to the serial killer dynamic. And while inevitable, I’ve really been wondering the direction the show is going to take from thereon in. So far everything feels pretty fucking directionless.

Really, Dexter? Everything seems in its right place? Manageable? It’s great to know that it only took your wife getting gutted for that to occur. I’m glad to know that you can breathe easy now, given that your life is in shambles, and your kid doubles as a fucking coy device for furthering your blood rage.

Oh, are they going double narrative here? Lumen and Dexter both preparing for a kill that evening? In case you weren’t paying attention, Lumen is a Dexter analog, or something of that shit. You probably noticed that last episode when Morgan said over and over again, “You don’t know where this road leads! Roar! Roar! Don’t kill people. Especially innocent people. Like me! Have you seen my kid? He’s adorable! I use him to track down pederasts, and serial killers!

Hug him!

This live blogging shit is exciting! My tits are hard. Also, it gives me something to do when LaGuerta and Angel argue. Jesus Christ, this entire storyline is a nightmare. Angel is saying really hurtful things, but that’s okay, because he can slam a door and that’s pretty much like, telling Maria to go fuck herself. Her and her beautiful booty. Angel dude, you need some therapy. Or to go back to screwing hookers.

Oh, it’s that guy that apparently was Robocop. And he’s being really cute to Deb. But he’s got a good point, Pock Marked McGee, Quinn, is boning the sister of the guy he has a vendetta against. Not the brightest plan ever, but hey, when you absolutely have to bone the emaciated, curveless, potty-mouthed chick in your department, who cares who she’s related to? Get some!

What is this dog shit with Harrison cutely echoing his father’s behavior? Last week’s insipid twist that he’s somehow scratching other kids, and now Dexter is hearing him say “Die, Die!” Get the fuck out of here too, if you want to say that Dexter is projecting his own anxieties onto his kid.

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Did you miss this week’s episode of Dexter? Good for you. ‘Cause I watched the entire thing, and I’m happy to report that absolutely nothing of worth occurred. Oh man! Sippin’ the Hatorade. That’s me, right here. Naw, not even. The fifth episode of season five was unremarkable. That’s the long and the short of it.

And for anyone in the “give it time” bullshit mode, we’re a third of the way through. At this point in previous seasons, we were humming sexily along. Secure in our trajectory. Right now? Waiting for shit to take off.

Wake me up.

Tonight’s episode can be distilled down into three painfully telescoped plot-points, and two interesting moments.

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