THIS WEEK ON Dexter: First Blood

Did you miss this week’s episode of Dexter? Good for you. ‘Cause I watched the entire thing, and I’m happy to report that absolutely nothing of worth occurred. Oh man! Sippin’ the Hatorade. That’s me, right here. Naw, not even. The fifth episode of season five was unremarkable. That’s the long and the short of it.

And for anyone in the “give it time” bullshit mode, we’re a third of the way through. At this point in previous seasons, we were humming sexily along. Secure in our trajectory. Right now? Waiting for shit to take off.

Wake me up.

Tonight’s episode can be distilled down into three painfully telescoped plot-points, and two interesting moments.

Telescoped Plot Point #1 — Wait, one of our ATM people actually are murdered?

I bet you totally thought that Deb wasn’t going to strike pay dirt when going house to house searching for people who withdrew money from an ATM in a hurry. I was like, oh man, they’re not making any headway! And then, slam! Two corpses. Who would have thought! Gosh!

The whole cult thread is doing absolutely nothing for me. I’m not actually sure what was built upon in this episode as far as it goes. We got to see Masuka and a tattoo parlor — pointless! It’s all pointless because it turns out to be a sticker to a club. A revelation, which if we didn’t’ figure out for ourselves, we would have from this episode’s use of dialogue as sledge hammer exposition. Deb yells across the street, “It’s a not a fucking fucking fucking fuck tattoo, it’s a fucking club!

Previously in the episode:   Dexter comments to himself “An ankle bracelet! That can only mean one thing! This isn’t the guy!”

And finishing off the episode: A taxi drive barks, “Welcome to Miami!” despite the screen panning up four seconds later to Miami International.

Good lord. It’s like reading an issue of Uncanny X-Men from back in the day, penned   by Scott Lobdell.

Interesting Moment #1 — Dexter Is Fucking Crazy
Almost too short to mention, when Dexter realizes he’s about to kill the wrong guy, he flips the fuck out, and yanks down his kill room. It’s a fleeting moment, but it’s nice to see Morgan in his natural habitat: barely contained insanity. This is the sort of Dexter I want to see. Not monotone monologues about Harrison’s fate as his hellspawn.

Telescoped Plot Point #2 — Wait, LaGuerta Isn’t An Unfaithful Whore?
Man, they’re really doing a number on Angel this season. They’ve just dragged his character down into the depth of superficial exploitation for the sake of a convenient plot. Angel’s gone from playing some guy who bangs hookers, to a bar brawler, now to a jealous significant other? It’s absurd.

If you didn’t know that LaGuerta was being faithful to Angel, you need to eat more narrative. Get some more plot in your diet. It was fucking obvious. If you didn’t know that she was obviously doing something to help her man out, after he slapped down some dickhead in a bar, I am impressed at your lack of foresight.

The whole scenario could have been avoided if these two chucklefucks just communicated! Oh gosh. Silly married couples. When LaGuerta says that she’s coming home late, Angel doesn’t say anything. He just stares as she walks away, and then literally skulks about in the fucking bushes. Tremendous. Skulking. In bushes.

Hey Angel, next time, just ask where the fuck your wife is going! Don’t internalize that shit! My therapist tells me that shit will eat you alive! And yo, LaGuerta! You can’t be returning home late at night with weak ass excuses and not expect your man to become jealous.

However, half-credit goes to the Dexter writers for the inversion of gender roles with Angel and LaGuerta. The power dynamic between the powerful female and the prideful, less successful male is interesting, no doubt. It’s a shame that they’ve bungled an attempt at examining it. You know, just write Angel as a jealous wife-type who is screaming about lipstick on LaGuerta’s collar or some shit. Brilliant.

Interesting Moment #2 — Lumen’s Airport Search
When Lumen gets stopped at the airport, she gets the ole hands search. Invariably, this triggers something in alignment with her shock and trauma. The whole scene was super uncomfortable to me, and if they were trying to convey her horror, they succeeded. Good god damn.

There’s been parts, particularly past season, where the show played with perspective and used other visual techniques to more obviously mirror a character’s internal emotions. I’m a sucker for the film class kid, so I dig it. As the warped screen pinched and distorted with a pack of leering dudes eyeing her down, I wanted the scene to end. Which I am assuming was their attention.

Brief aside: Dexter should really just extend his code to serial rapists. I know, I know, it’s a slippery slope. If Dexter makes this exception, then everything can have the potential to be an exception. I acknowledge that. Whatever. Still. He’s all over Lumen’s ass for wanting to kill a rapist, saying it’s not allowed, blah, blah, because he’s not the one who was involved with raping you, and killing the other chicks.

Well then.

If I was Dexter, I’d find it in my heart to accommodate continual rapists who hang out underneath Pervert Bridge into my bloodletting.

Telescoped Plot Point #3 — Wait, Lumen doesn’t actually go home?
Get the fuck out of town! I was totally shocked at the last scene of the episode where its revealed that — gasp — Lumen didn’t take Dexter’s advice and return to her family in Minnesota. If it wasn’t painfully obvious when they had Dexter inexplicably leave her before watching her boarding, it was obvious when they cut to her getting searched by security.

What the fuck is wrong with Dexter? They guy is playing the serial killing game like a god damn jabroni this season. Breaking into people’s houses during the day? Or how about that really, really awkward conversation with Boyd’s pedophile friend I this episode? He just strikes up the chit chat with anyone he’s stalking these days. In really bad accents.

But the dumbest move of the season took place in the airport. Not only does Dexter reveal his entire name to Lumen, but then he fails to make sure she boards the plane. What the fuck is going on. Is there a better way to execute your storylines, writers, other than penning the characters as fucking invalids?

That’s about it, for the episode. The chick doesn’t go home, which was obvious. Quinn is still a douchebag, forming alliances with shady people with annoying voices. LaGuerta isn’t a cheat. And this season continues on being listless. Not awful, not remarkable. Listless. Formless. As forgettable as one of Dexter’s endless monologues.