When I burp, my wife vomits and the cats leave the room. When microbes on Mars burp, everyone jizzes in their pants. Like, I get it. But also show me some charity. My digestive track is just a collection of cheese and caffeine.
Cloudy days here on the Blue Marble? Fucking suck. Cloudy days on Mars? A novelty, especially when Curiosity sends back images of them.
Ha! I knew the fucking Illuminati was hiding out on Mars. Now, it’s pretty much all but confirmed. Okay, okay, maybe not. But still. NASA’s Curiosity Rover has detected mysterious oxygen fluctuations on the Red Planet. Either way, it’s fucking awesome.
The Mars Curiosity Rover Guy has found conditions on the aforementioned Red Planet that suggest the planet was once suitable for life. The real question becomes (obviously), when did we destroy Ares before we fled here to the Blue Marble? Don’t fuck with me, I’ve seen the face on the planet and everything. It makes sense. Tell me, Illuminati! Tell me!
I spend far too much time telling you guys about my eating/masturbation habits in these intros and for that I want to sincerely apologise. No-one should have to endure that. From now on, I’m going to make a concerted effort to talk about video games more often, like I’m supposed to. This week I have been playing Assassin’s Creed 3. It’s so pompous, boring and devoid of purpose that I comfort ate a whole tray of brownies and jerked it into the mirror whilst I cried. True story.
Now Curiosity is just showing off. It is all on the Red Planet, having fun. Living the Bradbury dream. Now it is sending back total profile pictures of itself to post on the FaceSpace and shit. Not fair.
Bradbury high-fives all around! Curiosity has found evidence of an ancient stream of Mars. Now – dear friends – all we must do is channel our combined telepathic will into filling that stream with material of the cosmos, transforming it into a bubbling creak. Or something.
Ain’t nothing wrong with mussing around a little bit on Mars. Curiosity has deployed its laser, teaching a dumb Martian rock about the strength of human prowess. Or at least how much we like blasting things with phallic lasers.
Nothing much to say here. Just an illin’ point-of-view video of the rover landing on Mars. Tremendous.