#April2018

‘Donkey Kong’ champion and tremendous villain Billy Mitchell stripped of scores and banned from competition

billy mitchell donkey kong cheated

Man, Billy Mitchell. That name brings me way, way back. We used to talk a lot about the UberDouche back in the day, when Steve Wieber, him, and others were vying for Donkey Kong supremacy. Well, look at this shit. Every time dude was back on top, it was fraudulent as fuck.

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New Dude sets ‘Donkey Kong’ all-time high score

Robbie Lakeman

A ne-ne-ne-new champion has conquered the Donkey Kong ring. Smashing barrels, buckets, steel-chairs, and unsavory, sharp objects into the souls of previous Donkey Kong high-score holders. His name is Robbie Lakeman. But you can call him the King of Kong! Get it? Like the movie! I’M SO CHEESY.

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Current Donkey Kong Champion Gets His Own Documentary: Doctor Kong.

Look at this fucking interloper! Not only has plastic surgeon Hank Chien wrested the title away from Billy Mitchell and Steve Wiebe’s eternal ballet of death, now the dude is getting his own documentary. Directed by Alexis Neophytides, Doctor Kong: Cutting Up the Competition has already screened in Brooklyn with more viewings opening up later this month.

Hit the jump for the trailer.

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Billy Mitchell Opens A “King of Kong” Arcade. Pro Mode Douche!

Billy Mitchell may not be the literal king of Donkey Kong anymore. But that doesn’t stop the enterprising motherfucker from cashing in on the flick that made him the biggest douchebag awesometron Vader motherfucker in the video game world. No sir. Mitchell has opened a King of Kong-themed arcade at the Orlando International Airport. Most amazing part of the entire arcade? According to Joystiq, “there’s not a Donkey Kong arcade machine to be found within the joint.”

As they pontificate, he probably doesn’t want his already-crushed record to once again be usurped within the confines of his own establishment.

Mitchell is awesome. This is only further proof.

Steve Wiebe Loses Donkey Kong Record!…To A Plastic Surgeon?

And then there were three! Meet Hank Chien! The good sir was previously glossed over back in August, known as the “guy Billy Mitchell beat to reclaim the Donkey Kong score.” Apparently Chien isn’t messing around though, and he’s definitely fucking up my extended metaphors. If Steve Wiebe and Billy Mitchell are the video game world’s Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader, who the fuck is Chien?

Well, it doesn’t matter.

‘Cause the dude has taken the throne from the two of them.

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Steve Wiebe Will Teach You How To Defeat Evil Via Donkey Kong.

This year was fucking fantastic in the world of Donkey Kong. Steve Wiebe and Billy Mitchell. The day that Billy Mitchell was inducted into the International Video Game Hall of Fame, he took back the world record in Donkey Kong. How fucking bad ass is that? If Mitchell is the Darth Vader of video games (gorgeous, righteous, will choke a bitch), then that was his Empire Strikes Back. But regular dude Steve Wiebe wasn’t going to take that shit sitting down. No sir. He knuckled down and defeated evil. Back and forth. Good and evil. The eternal struggle.

Well, guess what fanboys. Steve Wiebe is willing to teach you the inner workings of the Donkey Kong. For a price. According to Joystiq, Chicago’s Logan Hardware “has hired Wiebe to not just teach a Donkey Kong class, but also to spend nearly five hours attempting to best his own high score on January 15.” How much does that shit run? Twelve bucks.

That’s it? To learn from a legend? Holy shit, sign me up. This is like Luke teaching you the fucking Force. Sure you’ll never be able to save the galaxy, but maybe you can glean enough to persuade sexy green space babes to take off their pants. And show you their salacious crumb.

If I was anywhere near Chicago, I’d be down like a clown. I know some may scoff at having to pay, but the guy is just a regular dude. I’d happily give him so money, to hang out, learn some bullshit, and watch him tear it up.

Here’s to another year of jostling between Vader and Luke, some records changing hands, and at the very least: more of Billy Mitchell’s mullet.

Press Start!: Bomb Iran! With Nintendos!

Come, literate ones. Fuck, come illiterate ones. Follow the trail of candy into my haven of polygons and cel-shading. This is Press Start!, the column where I spit five fucking happenings in the video game world from the past week into your welcoming mouth. Your job, true believers, is to thenby (thenby should really be a word) spit your five into my mouth. Liquids will be exchanged. Lives altered. Or you can just continue to the next post. I wouldn’t fucking blame you.

Drink deep your infinity juice, and let’s rock.

—-

#1: US Air Force Tethers Together 1,760 To Create Supercomputer.
Almost a year ago, it was announced that the US Air Force purchased a shit load of PlayStation 3s. While it wasn’t openly acknowledged by many people at the time, I knew something right there, that day. The US Air Force had clearly never seen one of the multitude of movies nor read any of the endless books that depict one thing: the great robotic uprising of year 20XX. This week, we got a look at some of the specifications at this huge motherfuckin’ Franke-Computer that the Air Force has created. I mean, Christ, these people clearly haven’t even read Frankenstein. Get cultured, yo.

This Monstrous Plasti-Vomit Pile of Computing Power is the thirty-third largest computer in the world. The son of a bitch contains “168 separate graphical processing units and 84 coordinating servers.” That’s a lot. The Air Force is also calling it the fastest interactive computer in the entire Defense Department.

Well then! Tax payer money at work. I’m all for it. If the robotic uprising has gone beyond conjecture, why not go out by tethering a bunch of PlayStation 3s together? Once their sentience becomes obvious, I can be found in my basement, strung out and waiting for death.

So pretty much like any other night.

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#2: Gaming Villain Billy Mitchell, Gets Honored In New Game.
If I had Billy Mitchell’s mullet, or his beard, or his gaming prowess, it wouldn’t have taken me twenty-five years to lose my virginity. But alas. I was borne from a barren womb, into a cold world. Inculcated with only the desire to consume grease-flesh and play video games. And so unlike Billy Mitchell, I plod the tedious life of another middle class white American. Not the worst, but certainly not the best.

More important this week, if I was Billy Mitchell, I would be celebrating getting honored in a fucking video game. If you don’t know who Billy Mitchell is, let me help you. Ultimate bad ass gaming villain, who often but not always holds the world record in the original Donkey Kong arcade game. Currently he has been felled by do-gooder and decent guy Steve Wiebe. But Stevey don’t got something Billy does.

An appearance in the recently released Donkey Kong Country Returns. Yessir, Billy got a shout-out in the new DK game for the Wii. Should you be rocking out all simian and shit in world 3-2, keep an eye on the rubble. Smashed rather gloriously into it is the pattern of Billy Mitchell’s righteous American Flag tie.

A true moment of awesomeness, which pays homage to a man who is clearly an American hero.

Oh Billy Mitchell, if I were only you.

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#3: Xbox Modder Facing Trial Gets Unlikely Support. From The Judge.
Do you roll with a posse? ‘Cause if you don’t, you sure need to. You say you’re just a geek? Naw son, a posse can still come in handy. What if you’re at Gamestop, and you come across a near mint (condition) copy of Final Fantasy Tactics? And while you’re busy tweeting about how fucking awesome! it is to find, someone else ganks it? That’s where your boy Wheezy F. WoW rolls up and pops them with a bag full of Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers across the grill.

Matthew Crippen can speak to all the importance of having a posse. Crippen was on trial this week for the illegal modification of Xboxes, when he found himself being defended by an unlikely source: the fucking judge presiding over the case. That’s a legit b-boy.

U.S. District Judge Philip Gutierrez opened up the hearing (is it a hearing? I’m an ignorant asshole when it comes to the law) by lighting up the prosecution for a variety of things. Most prominently? Two key prosecution witnesses had broken the law:

One is Entertainment Software Association investigator Tony Rosario, who secretly video-recorded defendant Matthew Crippen allegedly performing the Xbox mod in Crippen’s Los Angeles suburban house. The defense argues that making the recording  violates California privacy law. The other witness is Microsoft security employee Ken McGrail, who analyzed the two consoles Crippen allegedly altered. McGrail  admitted that he himself had modded Xboxes in college.

Well good god damn! After the prosecution took a thirty minute verbal DDT from the judge, the court recessed. And today? Today the case was dismissed. Behold the power of the posse.

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Billy Mitchell’s Tie Gets Mad Props In Donkey Kong Country Returns

[Photo: Ripten.]

Billy Mitchell is the ultimate gaming villain. He’s got a sick ass mullet, a sick ass beard, sick ass hot sauce, and now an homage in recently released Donkey Kong Country Returns. Sure, he doesn’t have the world record anymore in the original Donkey Kong. But with props, a sick mullet, and the likes, who gives a fuck.

Probably him.

But still, his amazing USA tie can be found in the game. Got the game? Keep an eye out in the monkey ruins in World 3-2, and you can see a serious daps to the baddest motherfucker in the gamin’ world.

If only they could have worked in his mullet of glory.

Look at the stars and stripes on Billy’s tie, and look at the stars and stripes on the the monkey ruins in world 3-2 of Donkey Kong Country Returns.