Solid Snake. Naw, that’s not it. Liquid Snake? Don’t think so. What the fuck is Big Boss-Snake called? Phallic Snake? Flaccid Snake? Calling a Metal Gear guru to help me out. While you’re attending to my stupidity, I’ll be basking in the MGS V artwork that is adorning March’s Game Informer.

Hit the jump to join me.

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It seems like mere months ago I was laughing at the idea that House of Cards wouldn’t go past a second season. There were rumors that it was done after a second jaunt, and I was all pfft! LOL. Now grant you, it was a nervous laugh. But my posturing has been rewarded! With something like ten days to go until the premiere of the second season, House of Cards has officially been picked up for a third. Hellfuckingyeah.

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Apologies! Apologies for the tardiness! I didn’t know Rendar wasn’t able to do the column this week until he didn’t do it. I received a message by nightingale this morning. Told the bro to not go necking any beautiful androgynous bitties on the moons of Jupiter but goddamn if we don’t all have to learn from experience. Now the kid is in bed. Testicles the size of basketballs, scrotum the shade of an egg plant. Oh sure they’ll go down in time — it’s merely an intergalactic viral infection. But let’s not talk about the sores, the oozing, the buckets of indescribable white sludge that drain slowly down his bed within the Spaceship Omega. Those will be gone too, but at what psychic cost? For all of us?

Let’s instead quickly run down the various arts, farts, and shenanigans we’re enjoying this week. This is Monday Morning Commute.

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What is in a hashtag, bros? Brodettes? I ask you. ‘Cause either The Rock is rubbing us gently against the tip of his Green Lantern, or he is trolling the living shit out of us. In an Instagram picture filled with many other words, the hashtag at the end was worth like, a zillion more. Huh?

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It’s been rumored! Announced! Confirmed. John Romita Jr. and Geoff Johns will be the creative team on Superman. This does absolutely nothing for me, and in fact the presence of Johns’ means I’m actively disinterested. Does this mean I’ll skip their debut issue? Of course not. Well played, DC. You clever fuckers.

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Watch out for HH 24. That young stellar object isn’t fooling around, flinging electrons and protons without much fucks to give. I mean sure this infrared picture of the entire endeavor is gorgeous, but like the Siren upon the rocks, its looks can be deceiving.

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Oh man. This is some next level trolling ish right here. Some dude or dudette pretended to be Ubisoft, and at least temporarily/successfully filed to cancel their trademark for Watch Dogs. Shout out to this person before they’re assuredly ushered off to some communal CorporoGulag on the dark side of the Moon. Your penchant for destruction and anarchy is probably only going to be matched in size by your pain at the hand of robo-hounds and psychic ninjas.

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Ramona Flowers! How have I never had any Scott Pilgrim cosplay up in here yet? In like fucking five years! Gosh! Oh well. Here is an effort towards correcting that mistake.

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Good! Good!, I say. Quentin Tarantino’s The Hateful Eight could still happen. Was it last week when Tarantino was threatened to take his ball and go home after the script leaked? Or two weeks ago? Whatever the case. I can understand being furious but don’t cut your nose to spite your face, bro! #thatclichelife

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Hey! It’s the second half of the Amazing Spider-Man 2 Super Bowl trailer! First half dropped last week. Plus! A four-minute sizzle reel that Sony has dropped, detailing the various villains in the movie.

Say word?

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