Darren Aronofsky is taking his talents to television! Which these days seems to be the sexier place for narrative exploration for many creative types. Better yet, Aronofsky adapting a dystopian book trilogy by Margaret Atwood? Sign me the fuck up. TV is the NEW CINEMA, and our Ocular Globes are reaping the benefits.

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What’s up, good cretins? It’s Wednesday! The second best day of the week! Only being trumped by Thorsday, where myself and several other chaps dress up like The Odinson and have Thorgasms under the Slurpee machine at 7-Eleven. Mjölnir goes places, man! But what would Thorsday be, without Comic Book Day? Nothing! For I shant have such urges if it were not for the weekly arrival of the funny books. They’ve shaped me, my psyche, and the floor of convenience stores across the nation in ways we can only theorize about. This week in funny books sees People Totally Sinning, a Return to the Trees, Miles Morales’ posthumous idol, and more. Strap-in and check out the books I’m picking up, and then hit the comments selection with your own choice cuts.

A full list of this week’s comics can be found HERE.

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Skottie Young’s Rocket Raccoon #1 is poised to hit the shelves with the subtlety of a bazooka-toting raccoon! Get it? Rocket Raccoon loves his weapons, and he doesn’t seem very subtle? Eh whatever. The Young-powered title is looking like it’s going to drop on the market to the tune of 300,000 copies. I think it’s safe to say that the “risky” Guardians of the Galaxy movie is going to have a built-in star when it arrives.

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Shout out to J.J. Abrams for apparently developing a sense of humor about the recent leaks from the sets of Episode VII. In the past the dude would have moped into his room, pumped three or four loads into his Mystery Box, and passed out in a malaise. But perhaps he has found the Serenity Prayer, and taken to acceptance. ‘Cause while he has used Twitter to ask for the leaks to stop, he’s done it with a wink and a grin not typically found in the lad’s arsenal.

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If just the idea of Paul Pope doing a sci-fi short isn’t enough to get you to watch this film, I don’t know. You’re probably not one of us! And we shall cast you from this space-ship with stones and poop-filled socks. Seriously though.

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Fuckin’ astronomers DON’T KNOW SHIT. But don’t tell them that. Oh, no! One minute they’re decrying my idea that Mars is secretly terraformed, and the Bill Gates-led Illuminati is living on it. LIKE THEY KNOW EVERYTHING. The next minute the fucking ding dongs are announcing that they’ve discovered a Mega Earth. Which shouldn’t exist. according to previously understood Astrono-Theory.

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All the fucking Disney News! ALL OF IT. ‘Cause, you know. The Mouse owns Marvel and Star Wars, brewing up my childhood in a terrifying Mono-Culture Brew. After Dr. Strange’s directorial announcement yesterday comes today’s Star Wars spin-off reveal. THE MOUSE SHALL TAKE OUR MONEY AND DRINK OUR CULTURAL BLOOD.

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You know what movies come out in February? Typically? Cast-off movies. Fallen movies. Movies that the companies have no confidence in, wish to bury, silently hope to ignore until oblivion. And given everything I’ve seen out from Jupiter Ascending, I cannot say I’m surprised it has been banished into The February Wasteland.

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The “Luigi Death Stare” has been making the rounds since Mario Kart 8 dropped. This video right here is a glorious combination of FURIOUS LUIGI and HOVA.

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Tired of Star Wars news? Agitated over the Edgar Wright departure? Here’s some perspective, friends. A goddamn gorgeous picture of four fucking galaxy clusters smashing into one another. Remember, we ain’t shit! So, yeah, that pop culture headache really don’t matter in the long run.

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