Jesus Christ, these things make me hard. I found these Star Wars New Era 59Fifty caps over at the always fantastical /Film. They are ridiculously over the top and beautiful, in a geeky, obnoxious way.

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DC Holiday Special 2009 #1

It’s Christmas time, and that’s something even a godless agnostic pro-choice heathen like myself can get into. And   let’s be honest, it isn’t about going to church or anything anymore, it’s about getting drunk on spiked eggnog and making inappropriate comments to fourth-cousins you only see once a year. And with that in mind, I’m excited for the DC Holiday Special, because it lets me think about ridiculous situations I’d like to see.

For instance, I can’t help but wonder about the time that Hal Jordan finally got a little smooch from Barry Allen under the mistletoe. The sad thing is that he never knew about his wishes being met, because Allen pulled it off at the speed of light. He continues to pine for his unspoken love. And then there’s the time where Superman got drunk and told Batman he needed therapy, and the two of them shouted over Plastic Man’s witty quips that he was trying to use to calm down the situation.

Of course, I’m sure none of this is in the special, but ’tis the season and shit. It’s probably just a boring special where they’re all giving and shit to needy children or whatever. Hey dickheads, you’ve got pretty much God and a bunch of omnipotent beings gathered together, how about you give us something sweet for Christmas, like world peace, or some shit. No, you’re probably content to grab cats out of tries and fight assholes dressed in weird underwear.

The Distinguished Competition is also putting out a bunch of books that I don’t read, but may be pretty cool. Adventure Comics #5 sees Conner Kent throwing the fuck down with Superboy-Prime. Which sounds awesome, but unfortunately I haven’t read any of these issues leading up to it yet. Superboy-Prime worked his way into my heart when he exploded half the fucking lame characters in the DC Universe with right hooks back in Infinitely Final Crisis back in the day. And then there’s Booster Gold #27 which features Mr. Gold getting hung by some Black Lantern from a tree. Which, admit it, is pretty cool.

Invincible Iron Man #21

I never really got down with Tony Stark in funny books until Matt Fraction started writing Invincible Iron Man. I know that’s high treason in some circles, and for that I apologize. It’s not that I didn’t dig on the concept, but I was too young to be actively buying the issues where he was bottoming out and being a god damn alcoholic and stuff. It all seems pretty sweet, but I’m lazy and demented and I always forget to try and snag some back-issues.

Fraction effectively reduced Tony Stark to Lennie from Of Mice and Men in the previous arc, having him format his own brain like an organic hard drive and shit. So I guess that makes him, like, Robo-Lennie and shit. But now he’s all laying comatose, and it’s up to Bucky and Thor and a bunch of other peeps he’s wronged to reboot his skull and shit.

For a tech nerd like myself, the whole His Brain as Hard Drive type thing really gets me moist. Also, I feel sort of happy that I was correct when I predicted that the dude would reinstall Tony Stark onto his mushy headguts after he was done formatting. Question though: Why the fuck would they reboot his mind, if the secrets he was trying to keep from Norman will just be restored? Or perhaps it’ll be an older image of his brain, prior to the secrets or something? And if so, is that really Tony Stark, or is it as good ole Locke would say, another entity removed from the prior string of consciousness?

See, I’m already wet.

Also, it’s nice to see the Marvel Universe finally being pulled back together. There’s been like two years since Tony Stark and Captain America were no only BFFs, so the concept of them all coming together again to beat-on some Norman Osborn ass is exciting. Maybe then we won’t have another fifteen years of Dark Reign, and they can usher us onto some other storyline.

Modern Warfare 2 Ghost #2

If you’re like me, you didn’t know that Modern Warfare 2 had a comic book. And that makes sense, since if you’re like me, you’ve been too busy getting fucking owned by thirteen year-old kids in said video game. Seriously, there’s nothing more demoralizing than hearing a barely pubescent little kid shit talk me, and I can’t say anything, since he’s killed me fifteen times in a round. God dammit.

I’m simultaneously surprised and not surprised that there’s a comic book for MW2, especially for Ghost. Ghost is like the Boba Fett of MW2, he’s quiet, barely around, and he kicks a shitload of ass. Plus, he’s got a skull on his face, and those thirteen year-old kids I fucking despise probably want to grow up to be him.

But at the same time, the plot to MW2 was pretty much a rejected 24 plot. Don’t throw tomatoes at me, I’m just saying. And that’s cool, because who the fuck plays the game for the single-player campaign, let alone story?

I predict a thousand bullets and lots of violence in this comic book, and at least fourteen nerds orgasming per comic book store.

I don’t really want to talk about anything anymore, other than Final Fantasy XIII. It’s okay though, because I misinterpret signals. For instance, with your dull expression and glazed eyes, I’m assuming that you’re totally stoked that I’m rambling about it again. Like, how, you know, Lightning is totally sweating on me. And she’s gorgeous. And I bet she has like a futuristic spaceship, and she listens to Mastodon, and she seriously loves when I fart and get crumbs everywhere.

Monday Morning Commute. Every Monday I’m going to detail the various things I’m either currently or will be watching, reading, playing, and listening to in the next seven days. It’s Monday. You’ve got a long week of school, work, or compulsive masturbation to get through. Tell me the arts that you’re indulging in, to stave off suicide.

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Mark Millar and Steve McNiven’s Nemesis is going to be fucking amazing. Why, you ask? Skeptical fucks! I’ll tell you. For starters, it’s by Mark Millar and Steve McNiven. They did Marvel’s Civil War storyline, but more importantly, they did OLD MAN LOGAN this year, which is pretty much the greatest fucking Wolverine story ever. EVER. Also, Millar is a true fucking pimp and has ripped off runs on Wolverine, The Ultimates, The Authority, and Fantastic Four which make your asshole pucker, as well as his creator owned Wanted, and Kick-Ass.

And then there’s the premise:

From Comic Book Resources:

Millar: Yeah, a lot of people who’ve read it have been coming up with hilarious tag-lines. “What if Batman was The Joker?” is the tame one. “What if Batman was a total cunt?” is maybe my favourite, although it’s hardly going to be an ad. Marvel President Dan Buckley sort of paid me a compliment, saying, “This is such a stupidly simple and obvious idea. I can’t believe nobody’s ever come up with it before. You are the master of the stupidly simple idea.” Which I suppose is kind of flattering because everyone said that about “Kick-Ass” too. It’s almost too simple.

But, yeah. “Nemesis” is a reversal of the Bruce Wayne or Tony Stark archetype. What if this genius billionaire was just this total shit, and the only thing that stood between him and a city was the cops? It’s Batman versus Commissioner Gordon, in a weird way. Or maybe a super-villain version of “Se7en.” A billionaire anarchist up against ordinary people. The Joker’s the best thing in the Batman movies, so this guy is a bit of an amalgamation of all the stuff we like.

If you’re not sold? Fuck you. March 2010. I cannot fucking wait.

Goodbye Christine, we hardly knew ye. When you self-administered some shotgun therapy in last night’s episode, I shed a single tear. You had a booty that made my heart palpitate, and I was beginning to feel like we truly had a connection. And by that, I mean that when my girlfriend went home after watching it, I’d rub myself over my boxers to you.

I do have to chastise you for taking yourself out of the game. In effect, that means that your sociopathic dad could continue on his killing spree, now that some other douchebag has been framed. I’m not really sure why you expected Deb to forgive you, after you shot her, and murdered the graying dude who probably had saggy balls and weird spots on his ass who she was in love with.

That said, I’m not sure I should expect you to make much sense, you’re the daughter of a serial killer who saw her father cozying up to a dead chick in a bathtub of blood when she was just a child.

Adieu, Christine, you’ll be remembered.

This is the first awesome thing that Rita has done all season. She’s been running around like Crazy Baby Momma, she’s been going through Dexter’s shit. She’s generally been annoying as hell, just for the sake of being a source of agitation now that Dexter wears the cowl of Family Man.

When Dexter slugged that assfart Elliot for befouling Rita with his filthy tongue, I knew it could go one of two ways. Either she’d get pissed off because her man was decking dickheads with righteous right hooks, or she could realize that he was merely defending her honor. Or something. But she came through! Finally. It’s good to see her realize that her man Dexter is the quiet, stoic type. Or a serial killer. But just because he’s like uh, never around, and shady, and always making up lies, he loves her. And will pop a dude in the mouth for molesting her.

Well done, Rita. You’ve seen the light.

If you’ve been watching Dexter this season, the above image makes your goddamn head burst with excitement. The Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader of serial killers or some shit, in the same room. The Agent Smith and Neo, but hopefully without the awful CGI and philosophical pandering. The Magic Johnson and Larry Bird of people who stab people.

How the fuck does Dexter even get out of this room? Dude is finally exposed, his real life laying bare for Trinity to see. It’s okay though, since Kyle Butler is sort of a lame name.

But seriously, has there been a scene this tense on Dexter since Doakes found out that Dexter was a serial killer? It hasn’t been since Doakes was all “Mo’fuckah, you the Bay Harbor!” that I was thinking something like “I honestly have no idea how Dexter gets out of this predicament.”

Alright, I have no idea what’s going on in this picture. I had to look up the cute girl’s name, and it happens to be Vanille. And I think she’s riding a summon. And it happens to be a giant beast like thing that is also a dual gatling gun. This game is going to change my ass on a molecular level. It’s going to give me powers and shit.

For the second week in a row I headed to the package store hoping to find a brew based in coffee or espresso. And for the second time in two weeks, my hopes were powerbombed. Am I asking for too much? Is it unreasonable to think that I deserve a beer that tastes of coffee? Hell, I’ve dreamed of drinking such a liquid since 1996 and I’ll be damned if this fight is over.

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Oh, holy shit! The Bayonetta demo came out today, and I obviously downloaded it almost instantly and played it with my pants off. Duh! Double duh! And my first impressions? It really, truly, genuinely is Devil May Climax. I know that Bayonetta’s creator is also Devil May Cry’s, but god damn. Kamiya, you truly don’t give a fuck. The inventory system is identical, the story even seems to have the requisite foil for Bayonetta – some other chick with glasses and shit.

The entire experience is fucking bananas. Like, I really had no idea what was going on when the shit started. The game throws you into some battle with a zillion enemies that look like, that’s right, Devil May Cry clones. One thing I was digging on the fact that the game is decently difficult. I had to adjust my desired play technique, which was juggling the shit out of enemies and hoping other baddies around me couldn’t snap me out of a combo.

It’s been a while since I played DMC, but I thing you’re invincible during a combo, and can’t be interrupted for the most part.

Whoops. This shit forces you to dodge, or die.

At one point I was spinning on some weapon round and round like a god damn stripper, while shooting people with my shoes. That’s the sort of shit we’re dealing with here.

During the middle of some battle, I think it was a boss battle, the game commanded me to smash a button to climax. Yeah, you’re inputting commands to climax. And then Bayonetta went all bat-shit crazy and unleashed a torrent of ass-whupping and…stuff happened. I really don’t know what’s going on during combat for the most part,it’s all too much for even my over-caffeinated, twitching senses.

Bayonetta really ain’t going to be anything other than Devil May Cry starring some chick in leather and with gravity-breaking curves. I’m cool with that. But if you’re expecting anything more, you’re probably going to be bummed out. But let me repeat, it’s Devil May Cry, starring a chick with guns for high-heels. Don’t be a douche.

I decided to break down the Final Fantasy XIII cover. Intelligently. For starters, it’s interesting to see Lightning looking forward to something off-screen. Perhaps she is troubled by something, and she is gazing at something forthcoming. Her sword is drawn as though there is an imminent threat. Her one leg poised suggests she is assuming a position of authority.   Her lips are pursued, her mind contemplating the forthcoming battle. Her one arm bandaged, suggesting that you know, she is a wounded bird, a person not quite whole, but willing to strive towards something.

LOL.

JK.

LOOK AT HER FUCKING CREAMY THIGHS.