THIS WEEK ON: Dexter – Hello, Dexter Morgan


Goodbye Christine, we hardly knew ye. When you self-administered some shotgun therapy in last night’s episode, I shed a single tear. You had a booty that made my heart palpitate, and I was beginning to feel like we truly had a connection. And by that, I mean that when my girlfriend went home after watching it, I’d rub myself over my boxers to you.

I do have to chastise you for taking yourself out of the game. In effect, that means that your sociopathic dad could continue on his killing spree, now that some other douchebag has been framed. I’m not really sure why you expected Deb to forgive you, after you shot her, and murdered the graying dude who probably had saggy balls and weird spots on his ass who she was in love with.

That said, I’m not sure I should expect you to make much sense, you’re the daughter of a serial killer who saw her father cozying up to a dead chick in a bathtub of blood when she was just a child.

Adieu, Christine, you’ll be remembered.

Ya, Your Man Love You

This is the first awesome thing that Rita has done all season. She’s been running around like Crazy Baby Momma, she’s been going through Dexter’s shit. She’s generally been annoying as hell, just for the sake of being a source of agitation now that Dexter wears the cowl of Family Man.

When Dexter slugged that assfart Elliot for befouling Rita with his filthy tongue, I knew it could go one of two ways. Either she’d get pissed off because her man was decking dickheads with righteous right hooks, or she could realize that he was merely defending her honor. Or something. But she came through! Finally. It’s good to see her realize that her man Dexter is the quiet, stoic type. Or a serial killer. But just because he’s like uh, never around, and shady, and always making up lies, he loves her. And will pop a dude in the mouth for molesting her.

Well done, Rita. You’ve seen the light.

It's Fucking ON.

If you’ve been watching Dexter this season, the above image makes your goddamn head burst with excitement. The Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader of serial killers or some shit, in the same room. The Agent Smith and Neo, but hopefully without the awful CGI and philosophical pandering. The Magic Johnson and Larry Bird of people who stab people.

How the fuck does Dexter even get out of this room? Dude is finally exposed, his real life laying bare for Trinity to see. It’s okay though, since Kyle Butler is sort of a lame name.

But seriously, has there been a scene this tense on Dexter since Doakes found out that Dexter was a serial killer? It hasn’t been since Doakes was all “Mo’fuckah, you the Bay Harbor!” that I was thinking something like “I honestly have no idea how Dexter gets out of this predicament.”