Well god damn! I got the window opening, pumping in some crisp autumn air. I got enough caffeine pumping through my veins to kill a baby calf. And I got no pants on. That can only mean one thing: it’s time for Press Start! Welcome to your typical Friday den of debauchery. The column where I, in nothing resembling intelligent discourse, detail five things that caught my eye in the world of gaming this week. I implore you to rock the comments box, oh ye gamepad warriors, with the bullshit that you enjoyed.

Hit me.

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#1: 80% of Gamers Are Cool With 3D Gaming; 80% of Gamers Are Douchebags
A pretty depressing report came out this week. Apparently 80% of gamers are willing to use 3D glasses whilst gaming. Oh good lord. Ever since last December and Avatar, this 3D phase has been god damn killing me. Listen, if I knew seeing Navi tail-fuck plant life was going to bring this hell upon us, I never would have indulged my curiosity and seen the flick. I think we’re all very, very, very sorry for participating in the biggest culture Gimmick Fucking in god knows how many years.

I’m sorry guys. Seriously. And since it made a billion-zillion dollars, you probably are too.

What a world we live in, where twin blights are ravaging across the gaming landscape. Motion controls, and 3D gaming. Fuck man, I don’t want either of them. I don’t want to do karate kicks to tell a character to lay a smack down. And I don’t want to don goggles just to play a video game. God damn you, 80% of gamers. What are you doing to me? You’re ruining it all! This is some truly Fahrenheit 451 type shit we’re wading into. Incredible distances spanned between people, just sitting next to one another on a couch. No talking, just 3D goggles and the old internet pipes connecting us to one another in on a Battlefield map.

I despair.

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#2: Pair of Sonic Fans Release Better Game Than Sonic 4
Remember when Sega announced Sonic 4? They told us it was going back to being a side-scrolling wunderkind? We all danced in the streets and high-fived and screamed BLAST PROCESSING at the skies? Yeah, and then it was released last week. And it was mediocre at best, and we were all like, no seriously, why’d we think they’d get it right this time?

Well, cheer up, Charlie.

Super Sonic fans, Pelikan 13 and Mercury have released their own Sonic the Hedgehog Remake, and it looks fucking gorgeous. Behold the power of an inspired pair of nerds. The game is called Sonic Fan Remix and you can download it right here. A free game, gorgeous as fuck, and somehow more faithful to the franchise than the afterbirth that was burped up by Sonic last week across the XBL and PSN.

Maybe I’m being too harsh. I downloaded the demo, and it was decent enough to cause a “fuck, so close” lament. It just felt off, which is remarkable since the Sonic formula is so simple. Disagree with me? That’s cool, I’m glad you enjoyed it. But just watch the video and/or download Sonic Fan Remix, and tell me it isn’t a work of bonery. I double dare you.

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#3: Father and Son Team Up To Build Functioning Metroid Arm Cannon
A couple of weeks ago, I went to the midnight release of Halo: Reach. While I was there, I saw a dad and his son waiting to pick up the game together. I thought it was the coolest thing ever, so I told my girlfriend. I was all like “Man, I hope my son wants to go to midnight releases with me.”

She then gave me a look and told me that if my son wants to go to midnight releases with me, that we pretty much did the inevitable when mixing DNA with me: created a social retard. I saw her point, but a part of me died inside.

That’s why I dig this video so much. Eleven year-old Joseph DeRose and his father Tony went all out on Joey’s Halloween costume this year. They built a motherfucking functionable arm cannon from Metroid. Well, not functioning in the sense that it can blow people the fuck up and shit. That would be the dopest. But no, check it out: it’s got input codes to verify identity, multiple settings for different beams, and it lights the fuck up.

Like I said, endearing. The video is enjoyable, just hop around and get the inner workings of the arm cannon from Tony and his kid.

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[Source: karismatic]

What the fuck is going on here, exactly? Unlike last week’s reveal of Kobe Brytant wielding the Infinity Gauntlet, 2/3 of this picture makes no sense. First off, there’s no way a self-absorbed douchebag like Lebron James would wield Captain America’s shit. Fucking preposterous. He’s someone like Norman Osborn. For years, he was totally tricking everyone, casting a spell so they thought of him virtuous. But now we all see his god damn goblin visage. Unless they’re riffing on Rob Liefeld’s classic Captain America atrocity. In which case, yes, James’ ego is as out-of-proportion as Liefeld’s anatomy.

And Kobe in Iron Man garb? Well, I suppose they’re both talented and self-aggrandizing douchebags. Still though.

I’m totally sold on Durant wielding Mjöllnir though. Like Thor, he’s a third beast that’s often overlooked, but still carries some righteous fury in his frame.

Alright, I’m totally done being a dork about this. Artwork is dope, too.

Apparently there is a dude who goes by the handle of Desk. And he is strong with the Super Street Fighter IV force. I am not. But Desk, this Desk chap, he can deliver the combo goodness. Homeboy is challenging anyone on the interwebs to replicate his 126-hit combo with Ms. Chun Li. Anyone who can pull it off will net a sweet $50. Now listen, I’m fucking hopeless. I can’t string together anything beyond a five-hit combo, and that’s only with Ryu! Why do I play as Ryu? Because when I was little, he was neat. Yeah, I said it. I’m one of those legion of Street Fighter gamers who never grew up, and just wants to throw fireballs ad nauseum.

Hit the jump to check out the video of Desk’s combo. And then do it, do it for me.

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Blazer Bratcher is an artist from Denver, Colorado, who was given a most righteous task: a commission by JJ Games to create a 3D Samus Aran out of old video game cartridges. Approximately 179 of them. Amazing. Hit the jump for more images of Bratcher’s glorious 8-bit construction.

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Ah, easter eggs! I’ve never actually found one, but I’ve always imagined myself stumbling across one and feeling like a fucking boss. But I don’t. However, a Kotaku reader was playing thorugh New Vegas when he stumbled upon the very corpses of those dumb asses Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. You know, the selfish pigs who wouldn’t let Luke go pursue his dreams. According to the article, the corpses of these two assholes holding back the god damn dopest, whiniest Jedi ever, can be found on the dusty trail outside of Nipton. I’m there!

Peter Jackson came out and announced the cast of The Hobbit today. I feel like I should be really jazzed, or excited, or something about this. Unfortunately, that something is apathetic. In fact, it took a good two minutes of “Ian, this is shit people care about, you should probably blather about it already!” to get me writing this. I’m not sure why I don’t, and I know I will be excited about the movie once trailers start dropping and the such. But for now? Mehcore. However!, here is the cast list, featuring the official confirmation of Martin Freeman, the dude from the BBC version of the Office as Bilbo.

Slashfilm:

Richard Armitage (MI-5, Captain America) as Thorin Oakenshield, leader of the Dwarves, whose grandfather ruled the Lonely Mountain settlement destroyed by Smaug.

Aidan Turner (Being Human) and Rob Kazinsky (EastEnders) as Kili and Fili, nephews of Thorin.

Graham McTavish (Secretariat) as Dwalin, blue-bearded, first to arrive at the home of Bilbo Baggins.

John Callen as Oin, skillful fire-maker. Brother of Gloin.

Stephen Hunter (All Saints) as Bombur, the fat, sleepy and slow member of Thorin’s company.

Mark Hadlow (King Kong) as Dori, strongest of the Dwarves, who carries Bilbo on his back at one point.

Peter Hambleton (The Strip) as Gloin, brother of Oin, initially suspicious of Bilbo’s worth, but eventually convinced. Father of Gimli from The Lord of the Rings.

Also returning are Sir Ian McKellan as Gandalf, and everyone’s nightmare, Andy Serkis as Gollum. Well there you go! Be excited, b-e excited for me.

Who the hell releases four screens of something. I’ll tell you who, fools. I’ll tell you good and plenty: Irrational fucking Games. Why and how do they do it? The answer is the same: because they know fanboys of Bioshock (okay, only the original, the sequel was meh-tastic to me) will eat anything Infinite related right up. Gobble it up out of their hands like fuggin’ swine. A piggy pig. Swine like me? Need/want/have to have anything Bioshock Infinite related? Hit the jump for the four new screens.

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Damien Canderle reimagined our buddy Link as a wizened, old bad ass son of a bitch as part of ZBrush Central’s “Age of Legends” contest for Comicon. I don’t think I need to elaborate, but this all smacks of fucking righteous awesomitude. Not that we’ll ever see something like this, but the beard itself makes Link beyond fierce, and the attention paid to the outfit is stupendous. Damien Canderle, you are one talented, jaw-dropping son of a bitch. Slow clap.

Hit the jump for more pictures of Sir Elder Link.

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Views From The Space-Ship, aka Desktop Tuesdays, aka Desktop Thursdays is a (theoretically) weekly column where I show you my worlds.

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[images & words is the comic book pick-of-the-week at OL. equal parts review and diatribe, the post highlights the most memorable/infuriating/entertaining book released that wednesday]

It’s hard to fathom now, at this point. It’s hard to conjure in my mind an idea that I once held: Mark Millar is the best fucking comic book writer right now. It seems so fucking alien to me. Kick-Ass 2 #1 only drives home a belief that I’ve felt nagging at me since the middle of his first Kick-Ass run. Either the dude is out of ideas, mailing it in because he’s been stretched too thin, or he simply doesn’t care. His work has fallen into empty, pointless, paint by the numbers self-parody. And this is the same guy who used to inspire me.

He isn’t cool anymore. He’s just trying too hard to be shocking. He isn’t insightful anymore. He’s mashing the same tired tropes over, and over, and over, and over again. Let me break it down for you in something resembling MILLAR VERNACULAR:

KICK-ASS 2: FUCK ORIGINALITY, REHASH! TASTE THE SUCK!

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