Friday. Press Start! The top five things that caught my eye in gaming this week. I usually pen this son of a bitch on Thursday evenings with a rather set methodology. First, I scan the websites I obsessively refresh for news bits from the week. Then I begin jotting down shit that I found dope on a notepad. Eventually, that shit gets pruned down to five, and I crack open the WordPress. Of course, not before I’m ripped to the tits on caffeine and loud music. However, this is Friday, and I ain’t done any of that shit.

A melange of shitty scheduling occurrences has me smashing this out frantically. It’s 4:21 pm as I begin this pig. I am huddled in a bunker on the Eastern Coast of the United Empire. The caffeine-odometer is wavering, my time sparse. Buckle up, this isn’t ain’t going to be my best effort.

As usual, hit the comments box with your own potpourri of happenings from the week in polygons and geekery.

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#1: Force Unleashed II DLC Lets You Singe The Tits of Ewoks
As I’ve grown up, I’ve had a love and hate relationship with Ewoks. When I was younger, I thought they were the berries. I was the demographic to which Emperor Lucas sold his soul. They were cuddly, they had sick ass hats, and most importantly, they got to rest their head in forest floor of Leia’s crotch.

What wasn’t to love?

Then I grew up and I began to see the goonery of having a bunch of teddy bears overthrow the government. It seemed ludicrous. I became that guy, and to an extent I still am today. However, when I feel like spinning bullshit – and I’m a lit major, it’s our existence – I can almost giggle as I write it all off as parable. Don’t you understand it’s about the simplicity of nature being able to overcome the machinations of Man-Made Machinery? An obvious commentary on the might of pure spirit over laser guns.

But I know I’m full of shit, and it was a toy grab.

Soon friends, all of us angsty geeks will be able to rain hell on those fucking teddy bears. Say word, LucasArts is letting you zap the living shit out of Ewoks in a forthcoming DLC for Force Unleashed II. That’s right, let the hate flow through you! Who hasn’t wanted to scream in a spittle-covered redline rage at the beginning of the end for the Star Wars franchise?

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#2: Dumb Ass WoW Player Swallows His Authenticator.
Important philosophical question. Are the majority of WoW players are fucking idiots? Or rather, are there so many of us that the ratio of assholes to regular people is the same, but there’s so many of us that our idiots become obvious?

I’m not too optimistic.

A recent moment of player brilliance is courtesy of a dude named Preliatus. Obviously not his real name. I hope. Preliatus was sitting around, trying to come up with awesome role playing ideas, when he swallowed his authenticator. Preliatus swallowed the fuck out of his, and then did what anyone would do. Naw, he didn’t call a doctor. Or 911. Or the police. A fully failing in the functioning department nerd, he went to the official forums for help.

“I was sitting in my chair and biting into my authenticator while thinking about several RP related story arcs that I have planned,” wrote Preliatus “I swivvel [sic] around in my chair and presume to fall off it and shoot the authenticator into my mouth and down my throat.”

Help! I Swallowed My World of Warcraft Authenticator!”I have drank some of that stuff that makes you vomit, but I’m apparently resistant to a whole bottle of it. I am curious on what I should do.”

Part of me refuses to believe this shit is real. Not only is this dude a deepthroat champion, but he’s also an iron-clad stomach of doom. This dude is a circus act waiting to happen. I love how when WoW Tards panic, they’re so socially inept that instead of contacting social structures set up to provide citizenry with support, they regress into the only reality they know.

Speaking of which, be right back, I need to go check out the Auction House.

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#3: Microsoft Can Use Kinect To Spy On You For Advertisers. Orwell Inc!
More proof that Kinect is the End of All Things came out this week. Microsoft accidentally let slip to us, the prole public, that they can use Kinect’s camera to spy on users. Why, then they can just parlay that shit to advertisers. They will then digest us, and find out more powerful ways of glorious subliminal mind control corporate programming. Only a bit of this is bullshit.

Speaking at an investor’s conference on Thursday, a Microsoft executive offered that Kinect not only knows how many are in the room when an ad’s shown, but what kind of team colors they might be wearing. Uh-oh.

Welcome to the fucking future, where you willingly let devices into your home that can scan you, analyze you, and break down your raw data into marketing characteristics. The idea that the camera atop your television, or fuck, in your laptop can be used for anything other than you want is so obvious that it’s almost forgotten.

Don’t worry though, Kinect will fail! Wait, it’s already sold a million units? Fuck. Thought Police! Mind Crimes! Orwell’s ghost shakes his head, disappointed at all of us.

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Check it out! We finally have footage of the Devin Townsend Project recording Deconstruction, the final entry in the four-album sequence. As promised, this material seems absolutely epic, technical, and brutal. Watch the video for insights!

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[images & words is the comic book pick-of-the-week at OL. equal parts review and diatribe, the post highlights the most memorable/infuriating/entertaining book released that wednesday]

Why is Batman successful? Is it because of a physique that pushes the limits of the human anatomy, an absolute mastery of sensory perception, an above-genius IQ, and billions of dollars? Yes.

And no.

In the internal logic of the comics-world, Batman truly succeeds not as a man but as an idea. More important than a single super-stud willing to risk his life in the name of crime-fighting is the very notion that such individuals exist. Criminals and evil-doers simply cannot run amok; doing so generates the very real possibility of being put in traction by a masked vigilante with emotional issues.

For the past seventy-one years, Batman has protected Gotham City. Now, the persona is being franchised globally as this week sees the premiere of Batman Incorporated.

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Denis Leary is swinging onto the set of the new Spider-Man movie. Puns, ahoy! Leary will be playing George Stacy, father of the inestimably superior Parker love interest, Gwen. Well, until she all gets her neck broken and shit. It’s casting that I wouldn’t have seen coming, but to be truthful, I wasn’t even contemplating Gwen’s family or the necessity of casting them.

I’m cool with it, as long as it doesn’t result in Lenny Clarke getting cast as anything but a corpse in the flick. Leary’s friend seems to be his sidekick, and seems to find his way into things the former is cast in. The problem? He is the anti-funny, eliminating funny within a thirty foot radius of anything he does.

Thoughts on the casting?

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Boarding Spaceship Earth during the Reagan administration, my childhood occurred in the early 1990s – an era fortunate enough to be blessed with some wonderful pop culture. Mark-Paul Gosselaar set the standard for high school hipness. Macaulay Culkin was bustin’ our guts with displays of suburban terror. And Metallica was reaching the masses while still saying something worthwhile.

But the best pop culture phenomenon was undoubtedly the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. In my day, these anthropomorphic creatures battled the forces of evil in cartoons, movies, comics, and video games – and it all kicked ass! We couldn’t get enough of these guys and their fun-loving ways.

Eventually, however, the TMNT love faded away. And this would have been fine. There’s nothing wrong with taking a backseat and being fawned upon by nostalgic nerds from time to time. But the problem is that the turtles were forced (no doubt against their will) to return to the spotlight in some straight-up bobo renditions.

The most offensive of all the later-day TMNT cash-grabs is Ninja Turtles: The Next Mutation. Long story short, this late 90s (*shudder*) live action series hoped to revitalize the franchise by introducing a female turtle. Ugh. Check out the press video below:

The worst part of the video comes as Dan Clark, executive creative consultant, attempts to justify the inclusion of Venus:

She brings balance to the boys’ lives — she brings a feminine influence into the house.

Wait, what the fugg is this guy talking about? Doesn’t he understand a damn thing about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? My generation didn’t love the heroes in a half-shell because they used the martial arts as a means of attaining spiritual enlightenment or holistic balance. No, we loved the turtles because they didn’t embark upon such bogus journeys. Instead, they used karate to beat the shit out of bad guys and impress hot newscasters.

And what did they do when they weren’t beating ass? They ate pizza, went clubbing, and skateboarded. In other words, it was a total bro-fest.

And it was glorious.

Get out of my face with that Venus de Milo shit.

So, there was the announcement of a teaser for BioWare’s next big game at the Spike VGA. Then there was a teaser trailer for the teaser trailer released. And now? Now some rumor mongering may have officially just blown the entire thing wide the fuck open. Words are that the next big game by BioWare may be a Mass Effect spin-off in the vein of Call of Duty.

Kotaku:

The BioWare project teased earlier today by Spike TV’s Video Game Awards is not an early look at Mass Effect 3, according to a development source, but the multiplayer-focused Mass Effect spin-off currently in the works at BioWare Montreal. That Mass Effect game is not a massively multiplayer online version of BioWare’s sci-fi RPG series, but a game that’s designed to appeal more to the Call of Duty market, according to that source.

We’re told to expect player progression in the vein of Activision’s wildly popular online shooter along with some sort of single-player component that does not feature Mass Effect’s Commander Shepard in a leading role.

I’m torn. Any sort of Mass Effect is good Mass Effect in my book. In addition, I love me some Call of Duty. Combine that with the financial sense it makes to go this direction in a spin-off, and I guess I can’t complain.

But! Ha, I got you, there’s a but!

I don’t know man. I guess if there were other Mass Effect games, I’d prefer them to be closer to the feel of the series. I mean, I’m a fucking whore for BioWare, and the franchise, so I know I’ll pick it up no matter what. But I feel a reluctance at seeing them deviate too far from the space-faring epic that I love so much.

Who knows.

Maybe it’s the most ballin’, illin’ shit ever. Maybe it’s not even true.

Thoughts? Impressions? Sage-like advice? Hit the comments box.

Things I’ve always wanted to do in my life: partake in a confused, drug-fueled gay orgy where we’re all wearing Ewok costumes. (Don’t tell my girlfriend.) Throw a game-winning touchdown pass. And finally, beat a zombie to death with a fucking dildo. Well, if I choose to buy Dead Rising 2, it’s forthcoming DLC is going to allow me to accomplish one of these dreams.

Kotaku:

Per the ESRB on Dead Rising 2: Case West: “One game area-a lounge with neon ‘XXX’ and ‘Love’ signs on the walls-depicts a ‘massager’ item shaped like a sex toy; players can use the item to strike zombies and human characters.”

Yep. There is a wieldable sex toy. You can monster mash with an orifice smasher. This is pure gold. Did another me, from a different dimension where I had talent and skill, secretly design this game? I don’t own this game, nor did I like the original. I know, that’s nigh heretical in certain circles. But the idea of beating a zombie with an amazing phallic object (alright, all phallic objects are amazing) is enough to give me momentary pause. Damn, it’s tempting.

Some asshole on eBay is selling a copy of Dragonball GT for a lot of money. Like, a lot of money to the tune of $7,000. That’s seven-thousand Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers, yo. A lot of beef. And patty. Why the high price? Apparently it’s all rare and shit.

Destructoid:

Released in 1997, this fighting game is allegedly pretty rare. In fact, the seller increased his original selling price after estimating that a mere fifty sealed copies of the game existed in the United States. Back in the day, around 10,000 copies made it Stateside and it was incredibly sought after even back in the day.

The good news is that this seller isn’t the biggest asshole in the world. Who is it? The biggest asshole in the world is the fucking dildo who takes this schmuck up on his offer. Seriously. I mean, there are games I would pay a good amount for. Take Panzer Dragoon Saga. The difference is that “a good amount for” is something like $300. Not the $900 sealed copy. And I still don’t do that, because I’m   broke like woah. So don’t do it, tempted Dragondouche fanboys. For the love of God, don’t.

[Source: Blame It On the Voices via I Heart Chaos]

Your Wednesday evening moment of zen. I will allow you to fall into silence as everything begins to make (no) sense.