Press Start!: Gay Frontiersmen and Electrocuted Ewoks!

Friday. Press Start! The top five things that caught my eye in gaming this week. I usually pen this son of a bitch on Thursday evenings with a rather set methodology. First, I scan the websites I obsessively refresh for news bits from the week. Then I begin jotting down shit that I found dope on a notepad. Eventually, that shit gets pruned down to five, and I crack open the WordPress. Of course, not before I’m ripped to the tits on caffeine and loud music. However, this is Friday, and I ain’t done any of that shit.

A melange of shitty scheduling occurrences has me smashing this out frantically. It’s 4:21 pm as I begin this pig. I am huddled in a bunker on the Eastern Coast of the United Empire. The caffeine-odometer is wavering, my time sparse. Buckle up, this isn’t ain’t going to be my best effort.

As usual, hit the comments box with your own potpourri of happenings from the week in polygons and geekery.


#1: Force Unleashed II DLC Lets You Singe The Tits of Ewoks
As I’ve grown up, I’ve had a love and hate relationship with Ewoks. When I was younger, I thought they were the berries. I was the demographic to which Emperor Lucas sold his soul. They were cuddly, they had sick ass hats, and most importantly, they got to rest their head in forest floor of Leia’s crotch.

What wasn’t to love?

Then I grew up and I began to see the goonery of having a bunch of teddy bears overthrow the government. It seemed ludicrous. I became that guy, and to an extent I still am today. However, when I feel like spinning bullshit – and I’m a lit major, it’s our existence – I can almost giggle as I write it all off as parable. Don’t you understand it’s about the simplicity of nature being able to overcome the machinations of Man-Made Machinery? An obvious commentary on the might of pure spirit over laser guns.

But I know I’m full of shit, and it was a toy grab.

Soon friends, all of us angsty geeks will be able to rain hell on those fucking teddy bears. Say word, LucasArts is letting you zap the living shit out of Ewoks in a forthcoming DLC for Force Unleashed II. That’s right, let the hate flow through you! Who hasn’t wanted to scream in a spittle-covered redline rage at the beginning of the end for the Star Wars franchise?


#2: Dumb Ass WoW Player Swallows His Authenticator.
Important philosophical question. Are the majority of WoW players are fucking idiots? Or rather, are there so many of us that the ratio of assholes to regular people is the same, but there’s so many of us that our idiots become obvious?

I’m not too optimistic.

A recent moment of player brilliance is courtesy of a dude named Preliatus. Obviously not his real name. I hope. Preliatus was sitting around, trying to come up with awesome role playing ideas, when he swallowed his authenticator. Preliatus swallowed the fuck out of his, and then did what anyone would do. Naw, he didn’t call a doctor. Or 911. Or the police. A fully failing in the functioning department nerd, he went to the official forums for help.

“I was sitting in my chair and biting into my authenticator while thinking about several RP related story arcs that I have planned,” wrote Preliatus “I swivvel [sic] around in my chair and presume to fall off it and shoot the authenticator into my mouth and down my throat.”

Help! I Swallowed My World of Warcraft Authenticator!”I have drank some of that stuff that makes you vomit, but I’m apparently resistant to a whole bottle of it. I am curious on what I should do.”

Part of me refuses to believe this shit is real. Not only is this dude a deepthroat champion, but he’s also an iron-clad stomach of doom. This dude is a circus act waiting to happen. I love how when WoW Tards panic, they’re so socially inept that instead of contacting social structures set up to provide citizenry with support, they regress into the only reality they know.

Speaking of which, be right back, I need to go check out the Auction House.


#3: Microsoft Can Use Kinect To Spy On You For Advertisers. Orwell Inc!
More proof that Kinect is the End of All Things came out this week. Microsoft accidentally let slip to us, the prole public, that they can use Kinect’s camera to spy on users. Why, then they can just parlay that shit to advertisers. They will then digest us, and find out more powerful ways of glorious subliminal mind control corporate programming. Only a bit of this is bullshit.

Speaking at an investor’s conference on Thursday, a Microsoft executive offered that Kinect not only knows how many are in the room when an ad’s shown, but what kind of team colors they might be wearing. Uh-oh.

Welcome to the fucking future, where you willingly let devices into your home that can scan you, analyze you, and break down your raw data into marketing characteristics. The idea that the camera atop your television, or fuck, in your laptop can be used for anything other than you want is so obvious that it’s almost forgotten.

Don’t worry though, Kinect will fail! Wait, it’s already sold a million units? Fuck. Thought Police! Mind Crimes! Orwell’s ghost shakes his head, disappointed at all of us.


#4: Someone Pays $335,00 For Virtual Night Club.
Spying cameras mounted to your television? Welcome to the future. Paying $335,000 for a virtual nightclub? No seriously, welcome to the fucking future. This may very well be the shape of things to come. The nightclub is in a game called Entropia Universe, which I have to admit, I’ve never fucking heard of. Is this some sort of insane gaming clique that I’m missing? Is it chock full of orgies and cyber-snuff and stuff? I can sense, around the rim of this, something cool.

Anyways, what does $335,000 net you these days in make believe universes? Well, how about this: seven fucking bio-domes, a sweet ass stadium, a nightclub and of course, a mall. Duh. Jesus Christ, I try and comprehend this, and I just can’t. I am underpowered. My processor is faulty, futile, misfiring. $335,000? Again, this is either the shape of things to come, or pure insanity. Though the two of them can often be the same thing, no? Panasjuk explains:

When motion pictures were first invented there were a lot of critics saying that it is a novelty act and it would never amount to anything nor will be able to make any real money once the novelty wears off–last time i checked Avatar has grossed 2.7 billion dollars world wide. Most recent example is MTV and Internet but then you know those stories well enough. Virtual Universe is the next logical step in world entertainment and although there are a lot of critics and people shaking heads it is here to stay and take its ranks among the greats.

I suppose time will bare this bullshit out.


#5: Zynga Game FrontierVille Features 650,000 Same-Sex Marriages
You will know Zynga! That’s become obvious. The social game developer behind Mafia Wars and FarmVille and FrontierVille is ubiquitous as fuck. At a summit this week, Zynga CEO Mark Pincus revealed that “320 million people have played a Zynga game, and in Frontierville, 1.3 million of those people are married to a member of the same sex.”

That’s 650,000 gay marriages. What does it mean? Probably nothing. But to a bleeding heart idealist like me who wants people to fuck whatever hole they want, and marry whatever organic object they want? It’s sort of awesome. If life were only more like video games! We’d all be marrying who we want, throwing fireballs and respawning after we crashed our car after drinking too much yet again.

I’m out. Have a wonderful wondrous weekend, fools. If you’re so inclined, hit the comments with what caught your eyes this week.