The pieces are in place.   The guns are primed.   The powder keg is lit.   The shit is going down on Justified.   Take off your Stetson, throw your boots on a table, sit back and stay a while.

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This is just good business right here. The sequel to X-Men: First Class  is going to shoot around Jennifer Lawrence’s schedule for Catching Fire.  

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For many years,  Alamo Drafthouse Cinema has lurked out in Texas. Nestled in the asshole of America, its sweet offerings have eluded me. There was much too much a giant swath of land separating us. Now I may not be able to get out to Texas for the Alamo-Prime, but there’s a satellite approaching. The son of  of a bitch is getting a New York site. Hell yeah!

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BioWare is continuing to clarify what’s going on in Mass Effect 3: Our Attempt To Unfuck Cut, and it continues to sound like a bag of rotting dicks.

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Alan Wake: American Nightmare  has a new trailer featuring none other than the game’s antagonist Mr. Scratch reading off critiques and comments from gaming sites regarding the XBLA title. It’s good shit. I didn’t really enjoy American Nightmare, but I had no qualms supporting Remedy if it meant getting a proper sequel to Ally Waken.

Hit the jump to check out Mr. Scratch rippin’.

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 Welcome to Friday’s (no longer Thursday, because I apparently can’t get my shit together on Thursdays) most ridiculous column, Cinematic Polyamory, which — for those of you playing the home game — basically amounts to an ongoing list of the famous people I want to bang.

Last week, I opened with my two number one celeb spouses: Emma Thompson and Steven Spielberg. Today’s lucky duo have been on the list since 2005; celeb hubby #2 has been fixed at numero duo ever since I clapped eyes on him, while celeb wife #2 took about a year to get to her current spot. Never the less, they remain two of the most powerful actors today and someday I will be married to one or both of them. Because I have goals. And I always accomplish my goals. Just give me a pack of Orbit Wintermint gum, a pair of scissors, some lube, and a duck mask, and I’ll have what I want within an hour or so.

Terrified? You damn well should be.

As that Kabuki-looking chick from The Hunger Games says: ladies first.

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…All due respect to Miles Morales, but Imma go ahead and tap in Beyonce as my favorite Spider-Man. Just imagining her running around in a skin-tight Spidey suit has me…wait for it…slinging some webbing of my own. Too easy. I know. I fail. I know, I know. Leave me alone.

Trey Parker and Matt Stone have never been ones  to shy away from examining the absurdities of powerful institutions–religion being one that offers much fodder for inspired tomfoolery. South Park episodes that take a closer look at dogma typically deliver the goods in some capacity–be it a witty insight or riotous commentary–and last episode “Jewpacabra” was no exception thanks mainly to Cartman’s extended dream sequence that puts the destruction of Egypt in Exodus into an appropriately brutal light. Take a look after the jump.

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You have to hand it to  Alex Hutchinson, creative director for Assassin’s Creed 3. Dude lobs bombs at the internet and then doesn’t really back away from them. There’s a certain appreciable quality to the stupidity he’s displayed lately.

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Frequenters of the Omega! Mere passersby trying not to vomit into their hands at the content here. I beseech you all to humor me for the minute on some self-promotion. I need you to enhance the army. Promote our war assets. Join the squad of reprobates. OL can be found in a variety of flavors. Do us a solid. We need you. More flesh for the Monolith.

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