How much does Mario fucking eat? How much does that fat fucking plumber gorge himself on, day to day? It was a question posed to me by ‘Bones a couple of days ago. I was playing some Super Mario Galaxy 2, and he came down into the Dungeon to give a “What’s Up?” and generally panic about one of his students finding him on Facebook.

During the course of watching my manipulate Mario into roughly three-thousand leaping jumps, backflips, and running something like nineteen miles, the thought struck him: how much does this guy eat? I mean, consider how much running around and general exercise gets! It’s ridiculous. All that bullshit, and he’s still got a gut that makes you go “God damn!” And it’s not like he’s just benching the bar, either. Dude is capable of flinging Zillion Ton Lizards into the air like it ain’t no thang.

So what’s up, Mario?

The guy has to be on some sort of linebacker diet. You know, twelve-thousand calorie wunderkind daily ingestions. He’s the only guy I know that can scale perilous death obstacle courses, and still have to sit down to tie his shoelaces. It’s okay though Mario, big is beautiful.

[via all games beta, click to enlarge]

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Oh fuck yes! A game that is based off of some of my favorite Sci-Fi bullshit such as Star Wars and Battlestar Galactica is getting its own movie. Fucking party!

via slashfilm:

Legendary Pictures has picked up the rights to the BioWare game   series Mass Effect. I Am Legend and Thor screenwriter Mark Protosevich has been assigned to write.

THR   says that Avi and Ari Arad will produce with Thomas Tull and Jon Jashni from Legendary. The project is early in development; Warner Bros. would co-finance and distribute worldwide.

This is redonkulously awesome news for a nerd like me. Jesus Christ, lord, don’t let this suck. The potential for rock is great when adapting this son of a bitch. Unfortunately, the potential for suck is probably just as great, if not superior. A favorite game of mine based off of favorite movies of mine is getting its own film? The cycle is now complete.

Insomniac Games, the dudes behind the Ratchet and Clank, Resistance, and Spyro are taking their dope-ass shit multiplatform.

via kotaku:

Insomniac Games, the studio behind Spyro the Dragon, Ratchet & Clank and Resistance, unveiled a deal this morning with Electronic Arts that will put their still unannounced, undated next franchise on the Playstation 3 and Xbox 360. Under the agreement Insomniac will retain ownership of the intellectual property.”There have been a lot of great reasons to make games for the Playstation,” said Ted Price, founder and CEO of Insomniac Games. “We have a wonderful relationship with Sony and will continue to work with them on Playstation titles.

“While Insomniac Games’ growth as a developer has been steady, it hasn’t seen any big spikes, Price told Kotaku. Making a game for multiple systems means that the developer and its games will be able to reach a broader audience.”We never wanted to limit ourselves,” Price said. “People are inspired here by having the opportunity to try new things. (Playstation 3 shooter) Resistance was a chance to branch out and we will continue to look for those opportunities.

“The latest chance is bringing Insomniac Games’ upcoming, all-new franchise set in a new universe to the PS3 and Xbox 360. The title is currently in production at the company’s Burbank studio, but Price remained tight-lipped about what it was.

Interesting shit right there. Pretty much the only reason I own my PS3 is for the console-exclusive titles from these boys and Naughty Dog. So the fact that they’re taking their ball and uh, letting other people rub it, is big news. Last month Bungie told Microsoft they were going to dabble in some polygamy, and this month Sony is tots no longer going steady with Insomniac. THE WORLD OF EXCLUSIVES IS FALLING APART.

[source: sugoi via gamovr]

Blizzard pretty much has a license to print money. Because World of Warcraft addicts do retarded things. Like pay twenty-five dollars for celestial donkeys to ride around with in-game. And I’ll be honest, I’ve been tempted to be that asshole. However, now Blizzard is going to charge people to use the game’s Auction House outside of the game.

via kotaku:

Blizzard has rolled out the first phase of the remote World of Warcraft auction house, allowing players to browse auctions on the web or via iPhone, with subscription-based bidding and auctioning coming soon.

Earlier this year, Blizzard revealed that it was working on a remote auction house, allowing players outside of the game to browse, bid, and post auctions from the web and mobile devices like the iPhone and iPod touch. Now that service becomes a reality, with the 2.0 version of the World of Warcraft Mobile Armory now available as a free download via iTunes, along with a page on the web-based Armory dedicated to auction stuff.

Players can browse auctions, get notifications on when their items sell, and view the status of their pending auctions for free. Anything more than that, is going to cost you.

Coming soon, players will be able to pay $2.99 a month for the premium features of the Remote Auction House. Subscribing will allow players to bid on auctions, create new auctions from items in their in-game inventory, and collect gold from items sold, all without ever having to log into the game.

Several things.

First, I realize it’s an out of game service, so maybe it’s not fair to complain about them charging for it. But I’m going to anyways.

Secondly, I can’t imagine a world where I need to POST AUCTIONS SO BADLY that I am going to pay THREE FUCKING DOLLARS A MONTH to monitor bullshit. If I was rich, sure. Whatever. But I ain’t. And most of the people I know who play WoW are either on Food Stamps, unemployed leeching college assholes like myself, or suffer from disabilities such as Lazy Assholitis. We’re not rich folks. So it seems extremely, insanely luxuriant.

What a terrible idea, suck the players into the game even when they’re away from the keyboard. Or maybe what a brilliant idea. Fucking posting stacks of Heavy Borean Leather from the dinner table.

The sickness spreads.

Ah, Dude Huge. A man of my own heart. Not only is he the guy behind the HGH-Super-Boner-Testosterone-Fest that is the Gears of War franchise, but he’s also involved with Bullestorm, which is shaping up to be my most retardedly anticipated game of 2011.

How can this dude get any cooler? He can sound like he writes for Omega Level, and use masturbation metaphors to describe gameplay mechanics:

via kotaku:

“I’ll always be a staunch and loyal supporter of everything we do, but at the same time, as a creative, I always know we can do better,” Bleszinski said in the Official Xbox Magazine. “That’s actually one of my criticisms of Gears 2. I think we got a little too hung up on the scripted sequence, and that was always the joke: You don’t want the game to be masturbating…”

You don’t want the game to be…masturbating?

“… There’s a couple of instances where you’re fighting a bunch of guys and suddenly the chopper comes along and finishes them off and you’re like: ‘Fuck! I wanted to finish them off. You just finished the game for me.’ Or certain things with the truck where you can just hang out and let the game play itself without any fail conditions. There’s definitely a note to be taken from that to keep in mind moving forward.”

Preach on, playah! I know exactly what he means, too. There’s nothing worse than taking on some insurmountable boss, and having it cleaned up for you by some scripted sequence. There’s a thin line between epic action sequence, and the game feeling like a ride at Disney, where you have very little input. The difference between OMFG, Epic!, and Yawn, This Is Thunder Mountain.

[via all games beta : click to enlarge]

Ah, Marvel Vs. Capcom 3. Where Chris Redfield can zap Bruce Banner’s dumb face with a god damn electrified baton.

The fucking Bulletstorm fucking trailer features fucking Nine Inch Nails, fucking insane amounts of guns, space pirates, and fucking giant plants that fucking eat shit! I’m fucking pumped! Fuck!

No seriously, this game looks god damn ridiculous. It’s climbed to the top of my “Do Want” list. It’s an FPS for the No Attention Span, Strung Out On Energy Drinks generation. So pretty much a game designed for me. Just watch the trailer, and if you don’t like it, punch yourself in a soft and sensitive spot. Check out the trailer after the jump.

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The Mass Effect 2 DLC has been pretty mediocre. I haven’t even finished Kasumi’s Stolen Memory. But fuck me, yes I’m going to buy this:

via G4:

When sent to investigate a Cerberus research base that’s mysteriously gone silent, Shepard arrives to find Geth overrunning the base. The sole survivor, Chief Scientist Archer, paints a dire picture: an experiment to fuse a human volunteer with a virtual intelligence created a dangerous hybrid “VI overlord”. The rampaging VI has already attacked three other Cerberus bases, controlling any technology it finds in an attempt to break free—and unleashing Geth across the planet. Unless Shepard can infiltrate the VI’s fortress and shut it down, this homicidal intelligence will beam itself-off planet and wreak havoc on other systems.

Sounds good. Will probably be meh. I’ll spend the money anyways. I’m part of the problem.