God damn. You guys know I love a lot of things, but there are seldom things I love more than both the original Bioshock, and retro-future art and universes. Well Jesus Christ, the covers to this month’s Game Informer bring the two together in ways that may cause inappropriate orgasming.

The three covers reveal the Handyman the Bioshock Infinite equivalent of the Big Daddy, as well as advertisements for what may be the equivalent of plasmids called Vigors. Who knows. The covers are ornate beyond reason, and total porn for geeks like me.

Hit the jump to check out the covers.

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God damn, I wish I was at PAX. Duke Nukem Forever is there, as his legions of my fellow geeks. I want to be basking in your musk and manipulating precious things with you. But I cannot. So I’m riding coat tails. Stephen Totilo over at Kotaku snapped a shit load of Duke Nukem Forever screens. They’re glorious. Hit the jump to check them out.

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A good god damn! I’m pretty fucking stoked about Duke Nukem Forever being resurrected. And as impressions are trickling in from PAX today, it’s become evident that The Duke is as absurd, ridiculous, sexist, and filthy as ever.

In other words, I’m excited. Let’s go through some of the utter absurdity found in the demo.

Kotaku:

The demo starts with a first person view of the urinal. You can make Duke urinate as much as you want. The wait is over!

Cue the Duke Nukem Forever logo and a camera pulls back to show that Duke, in first-person, was playing a video game. He’s got a gold Xbox 360 controller with the face buttons re-named as D, U, K and E. There’s a busty lady in a schoolgirl outfit near the bottom of your first-person view. And there’s a second one. One stands up and wipes her mouth.

P.S. The trailer being shown behind closed doors for the game includes strippers and a three breasted giant monster. Of the latter, Duke says, “Hell, I’d still hit it.”

Blowjobs, metatextual references to a game within a game, three-breasted monsters, and enormous guns. This game was designed by some sort of Dimension X version of me, where I can crunch math and program video games. Of this I am certain.

It was rumored, and now it’s confirmed. Duke Nukem Forever is going to hit the stands. When? I don’t know, but it’s really going to happen. The white whale of my teenage years, into my early adulthood, after being canceled, has been saved. By those talented motherfuckers at Gearbox Studios. It’s almost surreal. I’m going full-on purple priapism over this.

Kotaku:

2K Games has made it official. Duke Nukem Forever is alive and, well, in the hands of developer Gearbox Software, confirming our earlier reports that the Borderlands studio was helping to complete the game’s absurdly long development cycle.

The publisher announced this morning in advance of PAX 2010 that Gearbox Software was on the job, picking up where developer 3D Realms left off. Gearbox plans to ship the game within the next year, according to a report from the Wall Street Journal–the WSJ says both “next year” and “currently expected to ship in 2010.”

I am weeping uproariously at this prospect. It’s something out of fanboy wet dreams. Like, what are the chances that a classic 1990’s gaming franchise is pronounced dead after a god damn decade, only to be revived by one of the more prominent and popular gaming studios of the past few years?

It’s a beautiful world.

Source: 5Rob / Gamefreaks

Hell fuckin’ yeah, I’m looking forward to Arkham City. I dug the fuggin fug out of the original. Even if it lost steam and seemed to shoot its load far before the finale. Eh, what can you do? Seems to be a common problem with video games in the past year or so – I’m looking at you, Uncharted 2, and God of War III.

Today, these screens dropped, and they’re god damn gorgeous.

I’ve come to realize that Arkham Asylum/City is a haven for latex erotica. Every screen seems to be filled with some sort of rubber suiting, and gratuitous shots of tits. Must be why all of us damn perverts love it so much. Hit the jump to check out the screens. Lube up, party down!

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Enlarge.

Listen man! When I hit puberty while playing Star Fox 64, you know what the first thing I did was? I put the rumble pack right on my little barely-pubescent testicles and I felt the roar of stimulation. It just seemed so natural, you know? And keeping that in mind, I’ve been wondering where the fuck the Wiimote sex toys have been! Well god dammit, they’re finally here.

The world has become a better, more orgasmic place today.

Destructoid:

“The device is attached to the accessory port on a Nintendo  Wii  remote control,” explains manufacturer Mojowijo. “The control is then connected to a bluetooth enabled PC running Mojowijo software.

“Using Mojowijo’s patent pending  Motion2Vibration  technology, the device is able to transform the varying motions of the control into appropriate vibration signals and send them to another selected device – in the same room or over the internet. (Wii gaming console NOT required). Essentially turning your Wii remotes into shared, remote controlled vibrators (aka wii vibrator or wiibrator!).”

The central gimmick here is that you get to control another person’s vibrator as opposed to your own, which makes them masturbation devices for people who should just be having actual sex. Unless they’re miles apart, in which case these things work over Skype.

A good god damn! You don’t even need the Wii! Hell yeah! Welcome to the world of robotic-claw-testicle-genital-stimulation! In the future this is going to be so passe, but right now I want to you know, manipulate genitals over the internet using a Wiimote. You don’t?

Yo! I know you’re sitting around wondering how you can define yourself through external expressive motions! How about by buying a really fucking expensive sweater, featuring Super Mario? Not sold, well how about if it’s through the website from the dude who created Earthbound?

Destructoid:

Shigesato Itoi, the man who created Earthbound, has an online store where he sells things that are rad. His store just released its “1st Season” catalog for 2010 and it features some really cool stuff. The most relevant to a gaming site is a really sweet wool sweater featuring Mario and Luigi.

The sweaters are 100 percent wool and made by hand. It’s all licensed and official too. Here’s the kicker, though: they cost ¥36,000 (US$435), and that isn’t even adding in whatever the shipping costs would be to get it out of Japan. I’m all for high fashion, but I’d rather just buy every Mario game ever and then find a Mario sticker and slap it on an old sweater.

Man, this shit ain’t for a nerd like me. For starters, I’m fucking poor. Also, I’m a man-child, which means within nine minutes of owning this sweater, it’d be covered in accidental salsa blasts and crumbs from a variety of things. But if you’re affluent, and chic, be a total douchebag and indulge in this sweater. Then send me pictures so I can simultaneously find you ridiculous/be fatally jealous of you.

And a good god damn. I knew that I was going to love Fallout: New Vegas. I just didn’t realize that it was going to cater to someone as warped and depraved as myself. Like, seriously. This game is going to feature (suggestions only, unfortunately) robotic fisting? You have to be god damn kidding me.

ESRB Rating via Destructoid:

There is also an extended sequence suggesting (no depiction) sexual activity with a robot (e.g., “Fisto reporting for duty . . . Please assume the position,” “I suppose I should test you out . . . Servos active!” and “Something wrong with someone if they got to f**k a machine.”).

Fucking stupendous. I wish I could describe to you how funny I find the suggestion of getting fucked by a robot, or more properly, fisted by one. And the fact that this is being featured in a big market game makes me hopeful that someday when the world of overrun by the robot apocalypse, they shall spare a whole legion of people like me, who were way ahead of the curve on the idea of Robot-Human fluid-based interfacting.

Confession time! Despite loving BioWare and everything they produce, I haven’t played Dragon Age: Origins. I know, I fucking fail. So hard, that it makes comprehension of said failure almost impossible to grasp. That said, the recently released Director’s Cut trailer for Dragon Age II has me losing my god damn mind.

It’s got almost everything that gives me a boner in life: a bad-ass dude with a ridiculously large weapon, power metal cords, and slow-motion combat. It’s god damn amazing. I was planning on conquering Dragon Age: Origins prior to the sequel dropping, and now I’m really fighting the urge to throw aside my backlog and play the son of a bitch.

I’m losing my cool with fervor, yo! Do need.

Hit the jump for the trailer.

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