And a good god damn. I knew that I was going to love Fallout: New Vegas. I just didn’t realize that it was going to cater to someone as warped and depraved as myself. Like, seriously. This game is going to feature (suggestions only, unfortunately) robotic fisting? You have to be god damn kidding me.

ESRB Rating via Destructoid:

There is also an extended sequence suggesting (no depiction) sexual activity with a robot (e.g., “Fisto reporting for duty . . . Please assume the position,” “I suppose I should test you out . . . Servos active!” and “Something wrong with someone if they got to f**k a machine.”).

Fucking stupendous. I wish I could describe to you how funny I find the suggestion of getting fucked by a robot, or more properly, fisted by one. And the fact that this is being featured in a big market game makes me hopeful that someday when the world of overrun by the robot apocalypse, they shall spare a whole legion of people like me, who were way ahead of the curve on the idea of Robot-Human fluid-based interfacting.

Confession time! Despite loving BioWare and everything they produce, I haven’t played Dragon Age: Origins. I know, I fucking fail. So hard, that it makes comprehension of said failure almost impossible to grasp. That said, the recently released Director’s Cut trailer for Dragon Age II has me losing my god damn mind.

It’s got almost everything that gives me a boner in life: a bad-ass dude with a ridiculously large weapon, power metal cords, and slow-motion combat. It’s god damn amazing. I was planning on conquering Dragon Age: Origins prior to the sequel dropping, and now I’m really fighting the urge to throw aside my backlog and play the son of a bitch.

I’m losing my cool with fervor, yo! Do need.

Hit the jump for the trailer.

Keep Reading »

You know, if fucking Sonic 4 wasn’t announced and looking beyond super-gorgeous-time, I’d be bitter as fuck watching this video. But given the state of affairs, and that Sega may finally have gotten it, it just gives me a chubby for gaming lore, and geeks.

A dudebro who goes by the name of BlobVanDam recreated Sonic & Knuckle’s Mushroom Hill Zone in widescreen 2.5D awesomeness. It’s like peering into a manifestation of everything I’ve wanted out of a Sonic game since 1999.

At 47 seconds, it’s far too short. Just enough to get the parts a bit slushy with gaming lust, and then, done. Hit the jump to check out the video.

Keep Reading »

Bioshock Infinite ain’t set in Rapture. It’s set in Columbia. And it ain’t got a Big Daddy in it. Instead, those dudes who look like steampunk-ified Big Daddies? That new version of the Daddy is a Handyman.

Destructoid:

On the latest episode of the consistently excellent Irrational Behavior podcast, the beast was given a name — the “Handyman.” Concept artist Rob Waters details the origins and evolution of the character, saying it went from featuring giant mechanic crab claws to the hands (made out of porcelain, apparently) that we see today.

“The functionality problem was that claws are for grabbing, and not for pushing or punching,” he explains. “This guy’s actual functionality was to punch.”

Interesting. They’re a clear analogue (at this point, and to me, I know) for the Big Daddies of this new universe, but they have a different name. Here’s hoping they induce the same awe and terror as the Big Daddies did. Those son of a bitches freaked me out every time I tried to drill shotgun shells into their heavily fortified face.

The big question is, what does a Handyman sound like?

I’ll always have a thing for Yeoman Chambers. Primarily since she is the classic interstellar babe that I cannot get with. Alas. That’s like, you know, every chick on the planet. Or galaxy. Particularly ones that aren’t real. But Miranda Lawson from Mass Effect 2 was a cutie as well, and these cosplay pictures of her are certain both impressive and sexy. Sexily impressive. Impressively sexy.

Keep Reading »

Vanquish is silently sneaked up on my unsuspecting by gloriously gaping ass. Shit is coming stateside, washing up upon the shores of the Empire on October 19. But!, we’re getting a demo way before then. When, yo? The demo is droppin’ on PSN and XBL on August 31. That’s soon like woah.

I can’t wait to download the fucking demo, snort a couple of pixie sticks, punch myself in the groin, and scream in painful glee for the however-too-many-minutes-short demo this son of a bitch is going to be.

Enlarge.

—-

Oh shit, Ryan Palser is the man. The dude has gone ahead and recreated the A3-21 plasma rifle from Fallout 3. And let me tell you something, I used that fucking son of a bitch a lot! I can’t even tell you how many Communist sympathizers and Super Mutant pieces of irradiated bullshit I wasted with that slab of metal, plasma, and death. Well done, Ryan Palser. Well done.

Hit the jump for more picture of those gorgeous piece of death.

Keep Reading »

Hey Ma! Yeah you, Ma! Remember when you said that video games weren’t real? And that I shouldn’t cry over Aeris dying because she was fake? And that I was a disappointment and that you were glad you had a second child to correct your mistake?! Well guess what, video games are real! And Bowser died 3,000 years ago after totally kicking all shitloads of ass I bet.

Kotaku:

This extinct species of turtle was five-feet wide and weighed half a ton. It also looks a lot like a certain Nintendo villain.

The dog nose, the horns, the beaked mouth, the (relatively) enormous size…it’s official name is Meiolania platyceps, but it may as well have been called Meiolania Bowserus, so uncanny is the resemblance to Mario’s chief antagonist.

I know, Bowser and his Koopas are supposed to look like turtles, but this one goes a little further than looking like a turtle. I think it’s the horns. And especially the eyes. Those dark, angled, evil eyes

Well then, Mom! Take that shit. If you want to apologize, I’ll be sitting down here in my basement dungeon, penning epistles to Princess Peach about how fucking hot her ass is in that pink tuft of a dress. Slide the apology under the chain-links.

Insomniac Games have been bringing the fire for ages. Or at least like, ten years? Or something? Anyways, as much as I loved the first Resistance, I was pretty fucking meh about the sequel. Today they released the official live-action trailer for Resistance 3, and all is easily forgotten. Shit has got a quality vibe, and Insomniac has even publicly acknowledged the complaints regarding the second iteration. This all gets me several shades of pumped.

Hit the jump for the official trailer.

Keep Reading »

Bask in awe, you fucking geeks! Even at my height of World of Warcraft bonery, I didn’t buy any of their collector’s edition. And with my interest in Cataclysm tepid at best, I sure as fuck ain’t springing for this $80 son of a bitch. Of course I’m still getting the game, since Blizzard owns my soul. But mean, I’m saving up for the Intergalactic Nerdcore Mass Effect 3 package, I can’t be fucking frivolous.

If you are a dedicated douchenozzle though, this is what the package entails.

Kotaku:

Art of the Cataclysm art book, featuring 176 pages of never-before-seen images from the archives of the Blizzard Entertainment cinematics department and the World of Warcraft development team, as well as progressive visuals from multiple stages of development.

Exclusive in-game pet: he may not be a breaker of worlds just yet, but Lil’ Deathwing will still proudly accompany heroes on their struggle to save Azeroth from his much, much larger counterpart.

Behind-the-scenes DVD with over an hour of developer interviews and commentaries, as well as a special Warcraft retrospective examining the rich gaming history of the Warcraft universe.
Soundtrack featuring 10 epic new tracks from Cataclysm, including exclusive bonus tracks.

Special-edition mouse pad depicting Deathwing menacing the ravaged continents of Azeroth.

World of Warcraft Trading Card Game cards, including a 60-card starter deck from the Wrathgate series, two extended-art cards, and two Collector’s Edition-exclusive hero cards, marking the first appearance of goblin and worgen heroes in the TCG.

Full disclosure? I actually think almost all of the content is dope, save for the Wizards Cards and the mouse pad. Making-Of DVDs are some of my favorite shit in the world, and the artwork of WoW has always been gorgeous. Buy it for me, someone, treat me to a glorious Christmas present for all the prose I rattle off for you.